Scars That Wound: Scars That Heal
by Dedeen
Summary: What happens when a Linstead undercover op goes sideways. Who will protect who?
1. What Happened?

**Hello everyone! A couple months back I was inspired by penwielder62's cpd meta, "erin & jay: scarring, marring." This little one shot is brilliant and I wanted to expand on the idea: What would happen if a Linstead undercover op went sideways. Who would protect who? **

**I own nothing.**

* * *

 _Chicago PD!_

Erin hears distant voices yelling. Their voices reverberate against the cold warehouse walls as footsteps hit the pavement.

 _Here! They are here._

 _Call an ambo…_

 _Oh God…Get the medics in here NOW!_

Erin feels her body being jerked forward. Images of the horror _they_ were just put through flashes in her mind - she jolts in response.

"Where's Jay? I-I n-nee-d to see'em," she chokes out. "W-Where is he?"

"Let's get you checked out first," a voice says, pulling her back.

She sees the paramedics agglomerated in a corner and listens as they call out.

 _Start compressions!_

 _Clear!_

Nothing _._

 _Clear! Again._

 _Clear! He lost a lot of blood! Get a line in._

Erin struggles against the tight hold on her. "Noooo! He c-can't... Nooo! Jaaay!" The physical and mental pain blinds her as her shattered body falls unconscious.

 _Clear!_

Nothing _._

 *********** 5 hours earlier***********

Erin slowly opens her eyes.

Her vision is blurry and all the near noises are muffled by a constant ringing in her ears. Gradually the shadows before her begin to take shape and her eyes widen as she takes in her surrounding – a warehouse, bare, except for an old pickup truck. She tries to move, but finds her arms and legs bound to the chair. Panic rips through her body like an electric shock. She tries to tug at her bindings but a slow, crippling ache ascends her spine. She panics. She tries to flex her arms and wrists, stretching and pulling, but her efforts are futile.

 _"Hey, stay still."_

She hears a whisper miles away.

"Jaaay?" she mumbles, but her words are muffled by a gag in her mouth. She finds it hard to breathe, the pain continues to throbs more intensely and she groans audibly.

"Erin, stay still," Jay insists, trying to pull her from her frenzied state. He knows what _they_ will do to her once they know she's up.

Erin finally focuses her eyes on Jay, kneeling on the floor a few feet from her - hands and feet tied behind him, shirt tattered, red bruises and dried blood caked on his face.

"Stay as still as you can," he says calmly.

She focus on his low, calm voice and tries to keep her breathing under control. "Wh-What happened?" She chokes out, wracking her brain for answers. _What's this place? Why are we here?_

Before Jay can answer, the sound of a door screeching open interrupts her thoughts.

"Oh look who's up!"

Erin looks to Jay and sees his face become ghostly pale. She keeps her eyes glued to his until she feels someone grabs a handful of her hair and jerk her head back. She jolts against the pull as a hand runs over her cheek. "So pretty. I would hate for it to get messed up."

"Leave her," Jay says boldly. "You got me. You don't need her."

Erin eyes the man, but his face is hidden behind a black ski mask.

"Oh, I need her," he says trailing a finger from her cheek, then down her neck. The feel of the man's breath against her neck makes Erin gag.

The masked man points a finger at Jay and says, "Since you're not telling me what I want, maybe she will."

The man lets go of her hair and Erin's head bobs forcefully forwards. He walks around her and picks up a steel pipe from the ground. He point the pipe at her – eyes menacing. "So, I know you're cops. What I don't know is what made you want to poke around my business?" He yanks the gag from Erin's mouth and asks, "Who snitched?"

Erin is silent. Fear knotting her stomach.

The man sweeps the cold pipe under her chin. "C'mon, not you too."

To her surprise (and terror) the masked man swings the steel pipe and strikes Jay's torso. Jay grunts through clenched teeth and bends over in pain.

Erin swallows her shrieks.

"Get up!" He yells, violently placing the pipe underneath Jay's chin. Jay slowly moves back to his knees. The menacing man turns back to Erin and asks again, "Who was your informant?"

Erin's eyes lock with Jay's and he silently shakes his head, _don't say it._

Erin bites her lips, forcing herself to swallow her words. As a result, another blow, this time to his back. The sound of impact makes her stomach lurch. Jay falls lifelessly to the ground. The man pokes him with the pipe and Jay groans in response. He forcefully pulls Jay's head back and the blood from a wound on his temple drips down his cheek.

"I need a name," the man asks impatiently. "Your time is running out."

Jay sees Erin's resolve start to crumble. "D-Don't," he mumbles. "It's o-ok-ay."

Unable to watch, she lets her gaze falls to the ground. She doesn't see the masked man's fist until it is too late and connecting with her jaw. Pain explodes and she can immediately taste blood. He punches her again, this time harder. Blood oozes down the side of her mouth.

"Stop!" Jay screams. "She doesn't know anything."

Erin finally looks up and the man's eyes is positively sinister. She spits out blood.

"Look," Jay says, blood spewing from his mouth. "She was just a decoy. She doesn't know anything."

"A decoy, huh?" He picks up the steel pipe once again and strikes the wooden legs of the chair Erin is bound to. She topples to the ground, shoulder first. The man climbs awkwardly on top of her, applying all his weight on her side. He delivers several more blows to her stomach, leaving her desperately gasping for air.

"It's me you want!" Jay shouts frantically, watching Erin struggle to breathe. "Why don't you untie these ropes," he hisses. "Maybe then it will be a fair fight, you fucker."

Jay's words fall on deaf ears because the man continues to punch, splitting her lip, until Erin's no longer screaming. He reaches for the metal pipe, but stops abruptly when he sees movement out of the cover of his eye.

"Boss, we need you in here," rings voice from the far corner of the warehouse.

The masked man lets the steel pipe fall to the floor with a loud clanking noise, startling Erin. He takes decisive steps towards the corner of the warehouse and the only thing that's heard is the loud thud of the door shutting behind him.

"Erin," Jay calls.

Blood is dripping from her temples and her eyes are slowly closing shut as it begins to swell. "Erin, stay with me," he urges, even though his own head is spinning.

"Hm-hmmm," Erin groans.

"The arm of the chair splintered when it hit the ground. Do you think you can break it?"

Erin tries to move, but pain radiates through her body, as if it is on fire.

"Give it a few pulls," Jay encourages.

Erin ignores the pain and tries to jerk her arms while swaying the chair so that she can have more leverage, but the arm rest doesn't budge. She continues to yank and strike the arm rest on the cold ground, but nothing. She does this until she's exhausted from the effort.

"It's not budging." She puffs out defeated.

"It's okay," Jay says.

They lock eyes. Jay opens and closes his mouth, but the words are lost on his tongue as their ominous fate looms over his head. Trying to remain positive - for Erin's sake - he attempts to formulate a sentence, but he is cut short by the door creaking open again.

"Stay down," Jay whispers. "Don't move."

This time, two masked men walk towards them. They whisper amongst each other while stealing looks at the two detectives beaten on the ground. Jay strains to hear what they are saying, but the entire left side of his head throbs in pain, making it difficult to concentrate on anything.

"Let's not make this harder than it has to be," the original masked man states. He struts towards Erin and bends down, brushing the hair off her face. It is then that somethings clicks inside her. She can either give in or go down swinging. She slowly opens her eyes and stares pointedly at him. The man's hand ventures out, brushing against her neck, trailing down to her chest. But Erin squirms under his touch and spits in his face.

"Feisty," he says wiping his face. "I like it." He then slaps her hard and her head hits the pavement.

"I told you," Jay begins. "She doesn't know anything. She was bait."

The man's attention shifts to Jay. He walks the few steps to him and socks him in the stomach, then knees him a few more times. Blood spews freely from Jay's mouth. The man then grabs Jay by his shirt and delivers a punch straight to his jaw. The cracking noise doesn't go unnoticed by either.

"Who's the CI that had you meddling in my business?" He asks angrily.

Jay doesn't answer. He spits out more blood, instead.

Frustrated, the man gets up and nods to the second man, who then reaches behind him and pulls a gun and points at Erin.

Jay's eyes widen. "She had nothing to do with this," Jay insists. "If you're going to point a gun at someone, point it at me."

"Okay," he says and without a wasted second, he cocks the gun and pulls the trigger. The loud bang reverberates against the walls of the warehouse.

"NO!" Erin cries out as the blow knocks Jay to the ground. "Get up!" Erin demands. "Get up!"

Jay moans and shifts and Erin breathes a small sigh of relief when she sees the bullet only grazed his bicep. Blood oozes down his arm.

"Again, who's the CI? I won't miss this time," the man threatens, pointing the gun at Jay.

Jay slowly collects himself and wobbles to a kneeling position. His whole world rocks up and down, swopping form side to side as searing pain pulsates down his arm. "If you let her go," he says breathlessly. "I-I will tell everything you w-want to know."

The man lowers his gun, interested.

"No!" Erin shakes her head. "You don't have to do this," she says, staring pointedly at Jay. Tears mixed with blood run down her cheeks.

"If you let her go, I will tell you everything you want to know," Jay repeats.

"I won't let you—" Erin began,

"She's nobody," Jay cut her off, keeping his eyes transfixed on the original masked man. Not daring to look at Erin, guarding his resolve.

"You wanna play games, now," The man sneers, pacing. "Why should I trust you?"

"If you don't, you will have nothing," Jay retorts.

The man laughs cynically and exchange looks with his partner. He approaches Jay and delivers an uppercut to his face, which slams his head against the wall behind him. Jay falls limply to the ground. His vision becomes blurry and the only thing that registers is Erin's strangled screams.

"Tell me _everything,_ detective."

Jay's lips move, but no words are heard through the gurgle of blood that pours from his mouth. He tries again and barely mutters, "Let her go first."

The masked man nods and gestures to his partner. Jay turns and with great difficulty he sees the man cutting Erin free from the chair – her body falls limply to the ground.

"She's free," he says scornfully – a sinister smile never leaving his mask covered face.

From the corner of his eyes he watches Erin press her hand against the cold floor, her back heaving as her lungs fights vainly to fill with air. Jay can see she is trying to say something but struggling and no words come out. He looks at her and her eyes are desperate, wide, and shining. Then, it's almost like he can read her mind.

Before Jay can say anything, Erin charges after the masked man.

* * *

 **Whew! That was intense. Let me know what you guys think. Part II will be up soon. Cheers!**


	2. Just Enjoy the Show

**Thank you to all who took time to read and review. I'm glad that torturing our beloved Linstead didn't turn you guys off... Hopefully this next chapter won't leave you guys at my doorstep with pitchforks.**

 **I own nothing.**

* * *

 _Before Jay can say anything, Erin charges after the masked man._

Erin comes up behind the man and puts him in a headlock. The man stumbles and she uppercuts him, knocking him on his back. She jumps on top of him and lays out a couple of quick punches. Erin gets another punch in before the second man slams her down on the floor. Two against one. The man pulls himself together, wiping the blood from his upper lip, then pins her down with a knee to her chest. His hands grabs her wrists as he climbs on top of her – the adrenaline coursing his veins putting him in overdrive. Erin fights for air, but his knee bludgeon her ribs. Erin's consciousness dims and her vision goes gray.

"Finish her off, boss," the second man says.

Jay shakes the fog out of his head, watching this scene unfold in horror. "Let her go!" he pleas.

The man takes a second to look back at Jay. The short distraction lends Erin's a window of opportunity and she crawls away from underneath the man, catching her breath. Her limbs tingle like they are being struck with a thousand invisible pins. But the man is quick to jerk her back. He yanks her button-down shirt and buttons fly everywhere.

"She needs to be taught a lesson," he sneers.

"GET OFF OF HER, YOU M-MOTHERFF-FUCKER!" Jay demands, pulling at the bindings on his arms and legs with enough force to rip his limbs off. "IT'S ME YOU WANT."

"Just a decoy, huh? I bet she's a little more than that," he mocks.

Jay glares at the masked man with all the contempt he can manage. He squeezes his eyes shut as his resolve erodes away. The dam around his heart crumbles as he watches Erin struggle while he bears witness.

"Let her go and I will tell you anything you want," Jay tries again.

"I will, once I'm through," he adds mockingly.

In the meantime, Erin kicks and tries to push him away, but he shoves her face against the pavement. She still fights, but he holds her in place. He then takes her by the shoulders and smashes his lips forcefully against her neck. But Erin pulls free and lands a hard punch to his cheekbone, stunning him. His eyes darken and once again his weight is pushing on her chest. He pulls a small pocket knife and slides it across her cheek with enough pressure that it breaks the skin. Erin yelps in pain.

An endless rush of rage courses through Jay's veins. "IS THAT HOW YOU GET OFF? CAN'T GET A GIRL, SO YOU FORCE YOURSELF ON ONE?" Jay says tantalizingly.

The man doesn't look his way. Words seem to no longer have an effect on him. He goes for Erin's belt buckle and she opens her mouth, but screams without a sound. Her face turns blue-red and tears pour down her face. He strikes her jaw and she sees flashes of light as he strikes her again and again. She's on the brink of unconsciousness for a few seconds, enough time for him to pull away and pull down his zipper.

The realization of what's about to happen makes Jay explode from the inside out. "YOU FUCKING PUSSY. HOW ABOUT YOU COME ASSERT YOUR POWER OVER ME, HUH? THAT SHOULD GIVE YOU A _REAL_ RUSH."

The man is straddling her now, keeping her legs down by sitting on them. He is smiling; there is triumph in his dark eyes. He pulls her pants down and Erin screams at the feel of his fingers against her skin. He strikes her again without warning, her head flies back. The feeling of domination and release when he strikes her is enticing and he continues to batter her over and over as she tries to move her legs and twist out of his hold.

"IT'S ME YOU WANT!" Jay yells desperately, his face a mask of unadulterated rage. "YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT."

Erin knows what's about to happen and her own tears begin to choke her. Through blurry vision she sees this man towering over her, getting off as she continues to fight him. Then it dawns on her, _he wants me to resist_.

"I WILL KILL YOU! YOU HEAR ME? I WILL KILL YOU!" Jay exclaims.

"Just enjoy the show," the man says, then winks at his partner. "I will let you take a turn after."

The man is between her legs, looking at her, waiting for her awareness to kick in. But Erin doesn't give him the fight he wants. Her eyes cloud over and she remains perfectly still beneath him. He tries to get a rise out of her by running his rough hands over her chest, exposing her breast. He then toys with the fabric of her underwear and in that moment Erin wants to die.

In the meantime, Jay's temper deteriorates. Rage as scorching as white-hot iron flashed in his eyes.

He is in a state of extreme frenzy. Angry tears rage forth from the outside corner of his eyes. He can't bear to watch what's about to unfold. He yells and screams, but it seems to have no effect. He cannot let this happen. The bindings on his wrists and ankles become scarlet red and blood drips like paint on the ground.

"YOU BETTER MAKE SURE YOU KILL ME BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH MY OWN HANDS."

Meanwhile, Erin impassiveness irks the masked man. He hits her again for the anger and emptiness inside of him. For the first time he feels angry. He grabs her chin with his right hand, his fingers drilling their way into her skin and holds her head firm while he speaks.

"C'mon now, don't croak on me. The party is just starting."

The man grins down at Erin with lusty, needy, dark eyes. He reaches inside his pants and begins to pleasure himself. He laces his free hand through her hair, drawing it tighter and tighter until her head is lifted from the ground. Erin flinches and her eyes meet Jay's. She silently mouths the words, _It's okay._

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH," Jay begins. "MY TEAM IS PROBABLY ON YOUR TAIL AND YOU BETTER HOPE YOUR LEGS CAN OUT RUN MINE."

The man heaves a frustrated sigh. "Can you shut him up," he asks of his partner.

"WHAT? ARE YOU HAVING ISSUES…PERFORMING?"

The man stops. Jay knows he hit a nerve.

Jay laughs mockingly. "NOT SURPRISED."

Jay knows this is a risky move – entice the man who is currently calling the shots. But he is not thinking clearly, not when Erin is involved. There is another emotion, one stronger, more powerful that is currently dictating his actions.

Love.

His unwavering love for Erin.

"Shut your fucking mouth," the man demands through clenched teeth.

"Why don't you come do it yourself," Jay says sternly, unflinchingly.

Pushing Erin away he says angrily, "Tie her up. I will finish her later." He zips his pants and walks menacingly towards Jay.

Erin is shaking, dead white, eyes dilated. She wants to vomit. She flinches when the second man grabs her and drags her to a corner and cuffs her to a pipe. Tears of relief rush to her eyes, but her face sinks in gloom, knowing what is about to happen to her partner.

The man looks Jay straight in the eyes, "Let's see if you're really tough."

He grabs Jay by the neck and punches him several times, further shattering his jaw. He searches for the steel pipe and strikes Jay's torso repeatedly. The sound of ribs and bones snapping like tree branches echo off the walls of the warehouse. Erin screams until her throat becomes bloody and raw. She feels her heart being ripped off from her and cut into a million pieces. The pain of watching Jay sacrifice himself to spear her life is unbearable. The man continues his vengeful tirade until Jay crumples in an awkward heap, unconscious. Blood oozes out of his mouth and nose.

"FUCK!" The man yells irritably, running a desperate hand through his masked face.

"You were not supposed to kill him," the other man informs him.

"Shut up!" He yells angrily and without any preamble, the man stomps off towards the door. The second man walks up to Jay, nudges his foot against his ribs, but he doesn't move. He then shakes his head and follows the other man out.

"Jay!" Erin yells, her voice hoarse. "Jay, get up. C'mon!"

But he is immobile. Blood pools all around him.

"Don't do this. Don't leave me like this. Jay! Get up!"

Tears flow down Erin's face and she screams for him until her head begins spinning and black dots cloud her vision. She is flooded by an agonizing loss and by an overpowering sense of unreality and disconnection, punctuated by acute grief. _This is it,_ she thinks. She lets her head hit the pavement, reveling in the coolness against her flaming cheek. Her whole body feels cold and numb. She feels lifeless, but through some cosmic mistake her heart is still beating. She looks at Jay and tries one last time to call his name, but the word vaporizes on her tongue.

 *****x*****

 _Chicago PD!_

Erin hears distant voices reverberating against the cold warehouse as footsteps hit the pavement.

 _Here! They are here._

 _Call an ambo…_

 _Oh God…Get the paramedics in here ASAP._

She feels her body being jerked forward. Someone is taking a hold of her, awakening all the pain. Images of the horror that they were just put through flashes in her mind - she sees the masked man's eyes, hears his voice and she automatically jolts in response.

"It's alright. Erin, it's me," she hears the soft bellow of a familiar voice.

She opens her eyes and through her blurry vision she sees Hank standing over her.

"You're safe, kid," he slings her arm around his shoulder and lifts her up.

Erin disregards the pulsating ache, gathers every little bit of strength she can muster, and stumbles out of Hanks hold. "Where's Jay? I-I n-nee-d to see'em," she chokes out. Her throat hurts badly. "W-Where is he?"

"Let's get you checked out first," Hank says, pulling her back.

She sees the paramedics agglomerated in a corner and listens as they call out.

 _Start compressions!_

 _Clear!_

Nothing _._

 _Clear! Again._

 _Clear! He lost a lot of blood! Get a line in._

Erin struggles against Hank's tight hold on her. "Noooo! He c-can't... Nooo! Jaaay!" The physical and mental pain blinds her as her shattered body falls unconscious.

 _Clear!_

Nothing _._

* * *

 **Thank you for reading. I will try to polish the next chapter and have it ready as fast as I can! Cheers!**


	3. Critical, But Stable

**Happy #OneChicago day! I hope we get a lot of goodies from the cast. Again, thanks for all your reviews. Ya'll sweethearts!**

 **Here's the next installment.**

 **I own Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!**

* * *

Faces poke through the haze in her vision. Blinking hurts, breathing hurts, everything hurts. Faces slips in and out of her view. She doesn't understand the voices, the noisy beeps and alarms. She fades in and out for three days. She sees the masked man's eyes in her dreams, yells for Jay over and over again. But every time he slips away and out of her reach. Cold sweat beads on her forehead, heart lodges in her throat. The pain returns. She wants to ask about Jay, but she always fades out.

When she finally regains consciousness, she feels a sharp pain on her left side. She clumsily searches for the cause, only to have her hand restrained by five sturdy fingers.

"It's a tube draining liquid from around your lungs."

Erin focuses her eyes and sees a nurse, clad in blue scrubs, standing over her.

"Do you know where you are?" She asks.

"Ho-spi-tl?" Erin rasps.

"Yes." The nurse smiles. "I know having this tube is uncomfortable, but," she says sympathetically. "When the liquid turns clear we'll pull it out," she informs.

Erin floats between wakefulness and a drug-induced sleep while the nurse bustles around taking her vitals. Erin fights to stay awake and focus, but her head is spinning. She wants to ask about Jay, but the nurse soon leaves. She tries to push herself up on her elbows, the pain hits her like an eighteen-wheeler. Every part of her, especially her ribs, hurt. Dizziness assails her and she falls back onto the pillow. She lets out a low moan.

"Hey."

Erin feels a hard, calloused hand touching her arm. She slowly turns and sees Hank sitting next to her bed, a sad smile on his face.

"How're you feeling, kid?"

Erin groans. She feels exhausted and emotionally fatigued. She wants to tell him this but there's only one thing on her mind. "J-Jah-y?" Erin asks. "Where's Jay?"

Hank's silence is telling. He shifts uncomfortably in his chair and takes her hand between both of his. "He is in the ICU."

"I-Is he okay?"

Hank takes a moment before he says, "It's not good."

Erin shuts her eyes, ignoring the pain in doing so as hot tears roll down her cheeks. "W-What are they saying?"

Hank releases a heavy sigh. "He's in bad shape. No prognosis."

Erin turns away from Hank, looking up at the fluorescent lights in her hospital room. Unwelcomed images from that night invade her mind - every bone-cracking blow, every clink of the steel pipe. Despite the physical pain, there's a deeper pain she feels right now. This sort of pain will gradually make her mind retreat in on itself, as it tries to pretend this isn't happening.

"It's all because of me," she cries.

"It's not because of you."

"He was beating him and I did nothing," Erin says, releasing a tear soaked cry. The effort pulsates pain to every nerve ending in her body. She winces, struggling to endure the throbbing ache.

Hank notices Erin's face pinch in discomfort. "I'm going to call the nurse."

"No," she wipes her face with the sleeve of her hospital gown. "I-I need to s-see h-him." Erin says, struggling to pull herself up. "I _have_ to see him."

"Not yet, kid," Hank says with a gentle hand to her shoulder. "You have some healing to do."

"Hank, please? I need to see him."

Hank releases a deep sigh. "How about you get some rest while I go talk to the nurse?"

Powerless to fight Hank or the medication surge, Erin concedes with a slight nod of her head. She takes a deep breath ignoring the ache on her side and tries to clear her mind of all the thoughts that are running through it. Sleep pulls and drags her into its quiet. However, her slumber is interrupted many times, though, with dreams – nightmares, really, about that night.

It is not until the following day that the doctors concede to Erin's incessant pleas about seeing Jay. With great difficulty she slowly sits on a wheelchair and is pushed down the hospital hallways by Hank. Once they get to Jay's ICU room, Will meets them outside.

"Hey, Erin. Dr. Lang said you're doing better." His voice sounds strangely constricted. Erin notices the tired, uneasy look on his face, which is pale white, and gaunt. His brown eyes are surprisingly bright, but rimmed with red, and black half-moon shadows hang under them. It looks like he hasn't slept in days.

It looks like he's been crying.

Erin takes a deep breath, trying to steady her herself. "Yeah." One side of her swollen lip pulls in a feeble smile. "They pulled that tube off of my side." She shifts uncomfortably and winces. "H-How is he?" She asks tentatively.

"Critical, but stable."

Erin nods and looks back at Hank, silently urging him to push her through the doors.

Will slowly opens Jay's hospital ICU room, allowing Hank to push Erin inside. As soon as Erin sees what is supposed to be Jay lying on the bed, her heart stops. He is unrecognizable. The bruising and the swelling are extensive on his face. It's like someone stuck an air pump under his skin and pumped away. His mouth is a blob of purples and reds, all bruised and stitched around a breathing tube. There are stitches across his left cheek, just under his chin, and on his forehead just below his hairline.

Erin can't help the tears that effortlessly spill down her face. She can't come to grips with the fact that it's _Jay_ lying there. Hank pushes her all the way to the edge of the bed and she reaches to grip Jay's hand, carefully, feeling how warm and dry it is, how his pulse beats in his bandaged wrists, how tangible his hand is in her hand.

She inhales a shaky breath and asks, "How bad?"

Will clears his throat. "His jaw is shattered and wired shut. The bone in his left eye socket is broken, as is several of his ribs. He had extensive internal bleeding. His spleen ruptured and his left lung was punctured. Both ankles and wrists are fractured. Both kneecaps are dislocated. We put him in a coma because there was extensive head trauma, but so far his brain scans have come back clean…." Will pauses. He looks like he has more to add. Erin is quick to pick up on it.

"What? What else? I want to know."

Will hesitates before he adds, "We think he suffered a spinal injury." He takes a deep breath, and then adds, "They operated on him two days ago to relieve the swelling between three of his lumbar spines. We won't know the extent of it until he wakes up."

"W-What are you saying?"

Will is silent.

Erin fears of asking the next question, but she has to know. "Will he be able to walk again?"

"We don't know."

Hanks places a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Hey kid, I'm going to go get some coffee. Do you think you'll be okay for a few minutes?"

Erin nods, swallowing the lump in her throat. "Yeah."

Hank gently squeezes her shoulders one last time before he leaves the room. Will follows. Erin tries to keep her breathing under control as the images from that day assault her mind.

 _She has nothing to do with this._

 _It's me you want._

 _Let her go._

"You asshole," Erin says. "What were you thinking? Huh?" The beeps and the swooshing sound of Jay's ventilator is the only response. "You don't get to play hero. Not for me." Erin cusps her mouth to retract her grief. "You better wake up, or else I'm going to be pissed." She wipes the rolling tears with the back of her hand. "I need you here, okay? So, come back to me."

Aside from the beeps of the various machines keeping Jay there, stillness lies over his ICU room. Erin pays close attention to the EKG monitor: the waves, the intervals, watching it every time it spikes up and down, up and down. She can feel his pulse, thudding, fighting to keep him alive. With great difficulty she pushes herself up and runs a hand over his hair and kisses his forehead– letting her lips linger on his skin. Erin sits with Jay for longer than she cares to know, but it isn't long until her body begins to voice its discomfort. She doesn't care, but the nurses wheel her back to her room.

Later that night, Hank returns with a proper dinner.

"Thank you," Erin says, even though she has no appetite.

"Hospital food will kill you."

Hank's attempt at comic relief is lost on Erin. He clears his throat and says, "I'm really glad you're okay, kid." He reaches for her hand and squeezes it. "Jay will pull through," Hank assures her. "He's too stubborn not to."

One side of Erin's bruised lip pulls up in a smile.

"Do you think you can tell me what happened?" Hank says.

Erin knew she would eventually have to talk about it. She opens the take out boxes, slowly sifting through them. "All I remember is making small talk with the bartender while Jay was talking to Ramirez's boys. The next thing I remember is waking up duct taped to a chair. Jay was on his knees with his arms and legs tied behind him. The men wore masks. They wanted to know who snitched. When we didn't give them anything, they tried to beat it out of us."

Hanks nods. "We found a bloody steel pipe on the scene—"

"They used the pipe. Their fists, knees. At one point a knife… one of them shot jay in the arm." Anger slowly boils inside Erin as she wipes a few pesky tears from her cheek. "Then one of the guys got impatient. Jay tried telling them that I wasn't involved. He tried bargaining with them that if they let me go he would tell them everything. They cut my binding off and I saw the opportunity and I jumped on the guy. But it was two against one and I lost. One of the men got handsy with me. He ripped my shirt and pinned me down…." Erin shakes her head at the memory still raw in her mind. "He went for my belt, my pants….And that's when Jay lost it. He kept enticing the guy until he let me go and beat him until he was unconscious."

Hanks places a comforting hand on her blanket covered leg.

"There was so much blood." She slowly catches her breath and composes herself. "Did you catch them?" Erin asks. "These were not Ramirez's henchmen."

"We're working on it. You worry about getting better."

Hank stands up and runs a hand over her head. "I will type up an IPR for you." He pauses for a moment and opens his mouth but no words come out. Erin stares at him, watching his pain project from his eyes.

"You and Daniel are the only things I have left," Hank says, his rumbling voice low.

"I'm still here," Erin assures him, taking his hand in hers. "Go home. I can see you haven't slept in days."

Hank nods. "I will be back first thing with breakfast."

Erin smiles. "Thank you."

Hank gives her hand one last squeeze before he leaves.

Later that night she wakes up in cold sweat. The nightmare had come again. The coldness that envelops her is authentic. She rubs her arms and with great difficulty she sits up and pads slowly to the bathroom. There she looks herself in the mirror for the first time. Purple and red hues spread across her face. A quick glance causes her to recoil, and then she remembers the pain. She gingerly fingers her bruises and the cut across her cheek, not knowing which is worse: how she looks or how she feels. Anger seeps into her core.

She returns to the bed and lets exhaustion taker her under, hoping the nightmares won't return.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Working as fast as I can to get the next chapter out. Look out for it no later this week. Cheers!**


	4. It Would Have Killed me

**Happy CPD day! I a appreciate immensely all you kind words. Best fandom ever!**

 **Here's the next chapter.**

 **I own nothing.**

* * *

Jay's clinical state deteriorates in the next few of days and Erin seems to slip backwards too. However, her decline has nothing to do with her wounds. They further isolate Jay and limit visitation. So Erin has to sneak out of her room to see him. The nurses learn to turn a blind eye when they see her shuffling down the hospital corridors. If they try to stop her, she'll just keep on trying.

She walks past the ICU front desk, nursing her sore ribs, and tiptoes into Jay's room. He is still immobile on the bed. She can tell the nurses have changed the bandage around his arm and on his wrists. The scruff on his face is evident now and his strong body has grown leaner. Despite his bleak prognosis, Erin thinks Jay is healing. Just last week his face had been pale, almost pasty, but his cheeks seems to be tinged with a healthy pink color now. Others wouldn't have noticed this small change. But even in this dimly lit hospital room she can still see these minuscule improvements.

She lives for them.

She pulls up a chair and for a few minutes she listens to the pelting rain drum against the window.

"They are talking about discharging me soon," she says. "But I'm not ready to go home yet." Mostly because she'll see all the empty spaces Jay has left behind.

"Hank offered for me to stay at his place," she pauses then adds. "I haven't given his an answer yet."

She takes his hand and brings it up to her lips. "They want to begin weaning you off the medication, letting you wake up. But they don't know if you will be able to handle it. Will thinks it's best to keep you asleep for now." She presses her lips to his palm and adds, "I just want you to open your eyes."

She continues to sit by his bedside, as she has so many times now, fixated on every beep and swoosh of the ventilator breathing for him. Looking at him she can feel the pain beneath the covers as though it is affecting her own body. She feels somewhat deserving of it. Soon her eyelids close in unrelenting sleep as it claims her until a nurse offers to take her back to her room.

It takes two weeks, following a second lung collapse, two additional spinal surgeries, and a systemic infection, for Jay finally to wake up. It takes him a couple of minutes to clear the fog in his head, but he gradually slips into full consciousness. He starts, not recognizing his surroundings, and despite his injuries, he thrashes clumsy on the bed.

"Jay, hey," Will snaps his fingers until his brother's eyes focus on him. "Don't try to move. You're in the hospital."

Jay looks up, but it is as if there is a grey film smeared across his eyes. He rubs them and immediately feels dizzy with pain. He releases a low, guttural groan through his clenched teeth.

"Your jaw is wired shut, buddy, so don't try to talk either."

Jay closes his eyes and waits until his mind stop swirling. He feels his brother's hand on his shoulders and after a short time (or was it a long time?) he hears noises, then people talking. Will is asking him a question. Are _you in pain?_ His body aches all over, but he can't open his mouth to tell him this.

"Jay," Will tries again. "Are you feeling any pain?"

Jay nods slowly.

"Okay. Do you remember what happened?"

And just like that his mind races to seek the answer to his question. He is perplexed at first and then remotely recalls what happened until it hits him hard. Jay nods exasperatedly. His head is still foggy and it feels like someone's siting on his chest, but the events come pouring back into his brain. He begin grunting until his brother hands him a notepad and places a sharpie between his fingers. He begins to wobbly write the letters, _E. R. I..._

"Erin?" Will asks. "She's okay," he says.

But Jay is not convinced, and points to Erin's name on the notepad.

"I promise she's okay. Way better than you. She's come a long way and has a few broken ribs and a fractured shoulder, but she's good."

Jay's body relaxes, but Will can still feel the tension underneath his fingertips. Jay's face grimaces as his sore muscles flare up in pain.

"I will get you something for the pain," Will says and sits down on the bed. "But first we need to get a full workup done on you."

Will pages the medical team that has been working with Jay and they perform a full battery of tests. His overall cognitive health is good, his upper body strength and coordination are also deemed good. However, his overall lower body strength and motor movement are critically poor and spasmodic. But after hours of incessant testing, the horde of doctors finally leave his room. Jay impatiently motions to the notepad once again, pointing at his earlier scribble.

Will chuckles at Jay's insistence. "I will go get her. Scouts honor, but first," Will pauses. "We need to talk about you."

Jay frowns.

"Your jaw was severely shattered, and so was you left eye socket, but both are healing nicely. Your ribs are also on the mends, but you might still feel pain when you take deep breaths."

Jay nods. He's had a few broken ribs before.

"Your left lung was punctured and when they went in to fix it they saw that your spleen had ruptured. We kept your lung, but we had to remove your spleen."

Jay gives Will a faint smile.

"Your wrists, ankles, and kneecaps were also badly injured, but are also on the mends."

Jay jerks his writs and feels just the slightest pain there.

"You had some critical head trauma when they first brought you in, so we put you in a coma for a bit. But miraculously all your screws are intact."

Both brothers smile. After a silent moment, Will's face clouds over. Jay is quick to notice it.

"Jay," Will begins somberly. "You also suffered a spinal injury between your third and fourth lumbar vertebra. We operated on your back twice and relived some of the built up pressure. You haven't lost any motor movement, but we think you might have isolated nerve damage. We don't know to what extent."

Jay looks puzzled as he tries to digest what Will is telling him. He shakes his head. _Will can't mean that… No, he can't_.

Will sees the questioning frown on Jay's face and adds, "You might experience some difficulty walking."

Jay looks solemnly at his blanketed-covered legs and moves them underneath the sheets – the slight disconnect between his brain and muscles becomes suddenly obvious. Panic rips through him like an electric shock. His eyes become fiery with anger and his breaths become labored.

"This diagnosis is speculation on our part," Will quickly adds. "This is not your verdict."

Jay shakes his head and averts his eyes to the blank, white wall in front of him.

"Jay, physical therapy—"

Jay slowly turns towards Will and shakes his head. His anger turned into tears.

Offering a kind smile, Will tilts his head, gazing into his brother's glassy blue eyes, trying his hardest to hide his own tears. Maybe this is not the time to delve into this. "Why don't I go get Erin," Will says. He pats his brother on the shoulder and adds, "I'm really glad you're back."

With a heavy heart, Will leaves and walks down the hallway, past the doors of the ICU. He reaches Erin's room and slowly pushes the door open. "Erin?" He drums his fingers lightly on the door.

Erin's head snaps away from the television screen. "Hey, Will."

"How are you feeling?"

"Good. Being discharged within the next few days," Erin says, but melancholy laces her voice. "Updates on Jay?"

Without any preamble, Will says, "He's awake and asking for you."

"What? When?" Erin asks, kicking the sheets off her legs. Will is quick to help her off the bed. "He woke up? Like really awake? Cause he's been fading in and out for the last couple of days since they took him off his meds."

"He is fully awake now."

"Oh my God! H-How is he?"

"He's been asking for you."

"I have to go see him." Erin smiles – a big, blissful smile. She feels weightless for the first time since she woke up. "Does he know about—"

"I told him," Will says. "He's not paralyzed, but only time will tell if she will be back on his feet."

Erin nods sadly. She aches for him. But he is alive. "I have go see him," she repeats.

Will assists Erin walk down the hallway. She treads slowly and uses Will as her support. Her injuries are slowly healing and most of the swelling has gone down. But the guilt she feels for having Jay nearly sacrifice his life for her is still eating her inside.

They reach Jay's room and Erin can barely contain her excitement. How long has it been since she last felt his touch or seen those beautiful blue eyes looking into hers? Her heart feels like it is going to explode.

Will pushes the door open and Jay and Erin immediately locks eyes.

"Jay..." Erin says almost breathlessly.

Jay opens and closes his eyes as relief washes over him when seeing that Erin is okay. He gingerly extends his arms towards her. Erin, in turn, abandons Will's support and wobbles on unsteady feet towards the bed and crashes clumsily with Jay. She feels the sobs wrack her body. The physical pain she feels from the effort does not compare to the relief of finally having Jay reciprocate her hug.

"Hey," she says, looking at his smiling, glassy eyes. "I missed you."

Jay grunts and moves a hand to her cheek and squeezes her chin lightly. He shifts and winces underneath her weight and she slowly eases off of him.

"Sorry," she says. "I'm just really happy." She pulls his face in and plants a small kiss on his bruised lips. "Feeling okay?"

Jay nods.

Will approaches the bed and says, "Have the nurse page me if you guys need anything." He grabs the notepad from earlier and places near Erin. "I will check to see how soon we can remove those wires from your jaw and maybe find you an ipad."

Jay gives Will a thankful nod. As soon as his brother is out the door, Erin gently nestles herself against Jay on the bed. How much she's missed him. Missed their talks, even their disagreements. Jay in turn places his lips against her hair. He then reaches for the notepad and begins scribbling things down. Erin watches his hand clumsily move across the pad.

 _U ok?_ She reads.

"Yes, I'm fine. I have a fractured shoulder and a few broken ribs."

Erin sees a flicker of worry cross Jay's face. He releases a frustrated sigh and goes for the notepad again.

 _Did he do anything else?_ Jay writes, underlining the word _else._

Erin quickly understands where he is getting at. "No, he didn't do anything _else_ to me."

Jay looks skeptical.

"They didn't." She shakes her head for emphasis. "After he was done with you he left. The next thing I remember is Hank hoisting me up."

Jay breathes a sigh of relief. He takes her hand and bring it to his lips.

"You saved me," she says and wipes a pesky tear from the corner of her eye. "Don't ever do that again."

Jay offers her an easy smile. He reaches for the notepad and scribbles, _always._

"You could've died and you almost did. Whatever he was going to do to me wouldn't have hurt me as much as he hurt you."

Jay picks up the pen and writes, _it would've killed me._

Erin sighs. She takes his bruised hand and brings it to her lips. No more words passes between them – none is necessary. In fact, words tended to muddle things. Without words, what exists between them is simple and sweet. Jay and Erin stay snuggled together in the small hospital bed. Time is nonexistent. But soon enough word gets out that Jay's is awake and the team, including a revolving door of 21st district officers, come visit.

The sun is low in the horizon when Erin and Jay finally part ways. But as the metaphor goes, they are still climbing the mountain and probably will for a while, but the terrain seems to have leveled out a bit. The trees are beginning to clean and we can almost see the first of what is sure to be many summits on the path ahead.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading. Now, let me run a work on the next chapter. Cheers!**


	5. Hey, I Got You

**Happy Halloween!**

 **Here's the next installment.**

 **I own nada.**

* * *

Jay's recovery is slow and tedious and even then not necessarily guaranteed. The wires on his jaw come off and so does the tube draining built-up fluid from his lungs from his most recent surgery. Despite being bed ridden and confined mostly to his hospital room, Jay is coping as well as expected. Erin wants to help him navigate through these uncertain times, but he's been closed off. She knows he's trying to protect her from his demons.

Erin knocks on the door to his hospital room and pushes it open. Jay is sitting on the bed, working with a physical therapist. He looks like a young boy. He's lost a lot weight and strength and is all arms and legs. It's hard for Erin to see him so frail, so breakable.

She smiles politely at the man in blue scrubs. "Sorry, I can come back later," she says.

"Stay," Jay says, beaming her a smile. "She can stay, right?" Jay checks with the therapist.

He nods. "Of course. Maybe having an audience will be more motivating."

Erin smiles and perches herself on a chair by the door. She watches the physical therapist attempt to have Jay push against his hand with his feet. Any other time Jay would have probably pushed the scrawny man through the wall, but is now having a hard time applying steady pressure to the doctor's hand. He pushes for a few seconds, then plops back on the bed – drained. Erin continues to observe as he stretches Jay's legs and keeps pushing and pushing to strengthen his muscles and to get more flexibility from his joints. The session comes to an end when Jay is visibly exhausted – physically and mentally.

She can see the frustration bubbling in his demeanor. But she has just the thing to cheer him up.

As soon as the therapists leaves she walks up to the bed and places a small peck on his cheek. "Look at what I have," she says pulling two Jell-O cups from her pocket.

Jay smiles, "Red? I'm impressed, they usually only have the yellow or green flavors."

"I know people," Erin says smugly.

She hands him a cup and a spoon and pulls a chair to sit with him by his bed. They settle in a comfortable silence for a bit, just listening to the sounds of the hospital around them.

Erin breaks the silence first. "Physical therapy seems to be going well," she says.

Jay doesn't say anything, but Erin hears a lot from his silence.

"Look, your recovery won't happen overnight. So, celebrate the small victories. You couldn't even lift your legs a few days ago."

Jay looks up from his Jell-O cup. "I know," he says glumly.

"You made it this far. Don't give in now."

"You are turning into an afternoon special," Jay mocks. "When are you giving the sex talk?"

Erin laughs and shakes her head. "You won't be needing the sex talk for a looong time," she jokes.

"What?" Jay says in mock hurt, throwing his hand over his heart. "You know, I think it would help speed up my recovery," he says and tugs at her hand until she is standing flush against him. "A little bit of this," he says, pecking her lips.

Erin places her empty Jell-O cup on the bedside table and circles her arms around his neck. "You really think it will help you get better?"

"Of course," he says assertively.

"You sound sincere," she says.

"Don't I though?"

Erin chuckles and leans down, kissing him lightly. Because they miss the intimacy, the kiss slightly picks up and Erin begins to climb on the bed. His tongue runs over her upper lip like always and as usual she parts her lips letting him in. It's slow and lingering. Jay then moves his lips away from hers, pressing them against her throat, peppering it with kisses. Her fingers slip under his shirt, tracing the now lean planes with her fingers. She lets them trail down his stomach, which causes him to suck in a sharp breath of air.

"What?" She says worried.

"Sore," he says against her lips.

"Oh, I-I'm sorry," Erin says, pulling away.

Jay chuckles, not letting her move another inch. "It's okay. I'm okay."

Jay takes his finger and lifts her chin so their eyes meet. The smile she tries giving him is weak at best. But he leans in and kisses her, slow and deep, but he can now feel a bit of hesitation. So, he slowly pulls back, drawing in a ragged breath while savoring the taste of her. He pulls her closer into his arms and give her a hug he felt she needed.

**x**

It takes him another two weeks before he can attempt to stand on his own. Erin is discharged soon after, but it's almost like she wasn't, since she's constantly at the hospital. Jay continues with physical therapy and his slow progress continues to frustrate him. His brain knows what to do, but it's like his legs are not listening.

Today Erin is trying to push him a little further.

"You ready?" Erin asks.

Jay is sitting on the edge of the bed with an arm across her shoulders for support. He is about to attempt to walk up and down the hallway without aids for the first time.

"I think I am," he says and pushes off the floor. He stands wobbly for a few moments, but quickly finds his footing.

"C'mon," Erin says nudging him forward.

Jay looks down at his girlfriend, scrutinizing all the little nuances crossing her face. The purple/bluish bruising has mostly faded, only a faint scar lingers on her left cheek. Jay still remembers the knife breaking through her skin when that scumbag slid it across her face. Jay quickly shakes off the memory. He pulls her closer with the arm that is draped across her shoulder for support and drags his socked feet across the floors slowly making his way out the room. Out of nowhere a sharp jab on his lower back causes him to lose his footing.

"Hey, I got you," she says, steadying him. Erin watches the frustration balloon inside of him. "You got this," she assures him.

"I'm scared I'm going to hurt your shoulder," Jay admits.

"You're not going to hurt my shoulder," Erin assures him. "My shoulder is fine."

He looks at her skeptically, but continues to shuffle his feet down the hallway. They walk up and down the hallway a few times until Jay's hand inevitably goes to cradle his lower back. The pain ultimately getting the best of him. They walk back to the room and Erin helps Jay settle on the bed.

"Not bad for your first time," Erin says. "Some people can really make a mess of it."

Jay chuckles at her innuendo. He remains silent and Erin is quick to notice.

"PT seems to be helping, uh?" She pipes up.

"I don't know," Jay waves it off.

"What do you mean? A few days ago you couldn't even stand on your own. You just walked up and down the hall, like, three times. No aids."

Jay shrugs. "I just don't want to get my hopes up."

Erin frowns. "Jay, you're coming back from this."

Jay reaches for her hand and pulls her down until their lips touch. "You're optimism is endearing, but I have to face the fact that I might never get my badge back. The earlier I accept it, the easiest it will be. You saw what happened to Roman."

"That's a little defeatist."

"I'm just being realistic."

"Babe, you'll be back on your feet, just… take it a day at a time and stop thinking so negatively."

"I'm not thinking negatively. I'm actually looking forward to riding those automatic wheel chairs around and getting the good parking spots."

"That's an awful thing to say," Erin says and smacks his shoulder.

Jay smiles and asks, "So, when are you going back to work?"

Erin sees his attempt to change the subject. She lets it slide. "The city doctor cleared me yesterday for desk duty."

"I bet you didn't get full clearance because of your shoulder."

"I told you, my shoulder is fine."

Jay nods and is silent for a moment before he asks, "Has Hank mentioned anything about the case?"

Erin shakes her head. "They apprehended a few bottom feeders, but the head is still out there."

Jay bites the inside of his cheek.

"They know we got our eyes on them," Erin says. "They are being careful. But they'll slip up, and when it happens we'll nail them."

"Yeah," Jay agrees. "I want to be there for that."

Erin nods. "You will."

Her mind unwittingly reverts back to that night. She will never forget _his_ voice, or the menacing look in his eyes. She spent countless hours etching all the memories from that night in her mind. So when they finally apprehended the bastard, she will be able to make his life a living hell. She should be celebrating that they made it out alive - that things might finally get back to normal. But she can't muster up no relief. Some days she falls in a daze, and all she can think about is how much she almost lost.

"Erin?" Jay asks.

"Uh?" Erin hums, startled out of her daze.

"Where'd go?" Jay asks, noting how Erin's gaze shifted a million miles away.

Erin shakes her head. "Nowhere," she says dismissively. "I was just…" She lets the sentence linger.

"Hey," Jay says, reaching for her hand. "Have you talked to Dr. Charles?"

"No. Have you?" Erin retorts, not meaning to be so defensive.

Jay thinks for a moment, biting his bottom lip, before saying. "If I go see him, will you?" Jay worries that Erin's silent struggle will ultimately pull her into a hole he won't be able to pull her out. When she doesn't respond, he tries again. "If I agree to see Dr. Charles, will you come with me?"

Erin releases a nervous chuckle. "It's part of the requirements to get fully reinstated."

Jay nods. "So why are you dragging your feet?"

"I'm not dragging my feet. It's just…" She pauses and looks up at him. "Therapy has never been for me."

"Erin—"

"I know," she cuts him off. "Hank already gave me the lecture."

Jay snakes his arm around her shoulders and pulls her close, planting a kiss on her temple. "We'll do it together."

Erin looks up at him and nods. "Okay."

The hospital room door opens and in walks Hank, followed by the rest of the team.

"Hey, No hanky-panky," Adam says.

Erin and Jay roll their eyes and pull slightly away.

"See everyone, Jay is doing just fine," Adam jokes and walks up to Jay pats him on the back. "Glad to see you're up and at it."

Jay smiles. "Thanks."

"Hey man," Antonio chines in. "Looking good. You'll be in the bullpen before you know it. You too Erin."

Erin smiles and watches Jay strike up menial conversations with the team. Jay smiles and tries to take in his team's optimism –all their encouraging words and cheeky jokes. But Jay knows his outlook is bleak. If he is lucky, walking is the most he will do. There's no feeling of self-pity. Jay knew the risks when they pinned a badge on his chest. And having served as a ranger, seen the things he's seen, Jay also knew there is always someone worse off than him.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Cheers!**


	6. Acknowledge it, and Let it Go

**Sad about no PD last night. But congrats to all the Cubs fans out there!**

 **Here is Chapter 6!**

 **I own nothing.**

* * *

Jay and Erin are sitting across from Dr. Charles in his office. Erin's leg bobs up and down as if it is made of rubber. She fidgets nervously, drumming her fingers against her lap. She feels as if she is headed back into that warehouse – to relive that nightmare. She turns and fixes her eyes on Jay. Jay gently places his hand on her frantic knee and beams her an easy smile.

"Let me just start by saying how pleased I am to see you guys," Dr. Charles says candidly. "And extremely sickened by what you guys went through," he adds leafing through a stack of papers in front of him. "For a moment there I thought I was reading through a Stephen King novel."

Jay and Erin glance at each other.

"I know this is sort of mandated, but what do you expect to gain from this?"

Erin and Jay are silent. They look at Dr. Charles and shrug.

"Let me rephrase my question," Dr. Charles says. "If this wasn't mandated, would you want to talk about what happened that night?"

Erin shakes her head. "Honestly, no. I feel that by talking about it I'm forced to re-live what happened and that's not something I want to do."

"Understandable." The doctor nods. "How about you, Jay?"

"I wouldn't chose to talk about it either," Jay says honestly.

"Okay, so let's start small. Tell me about the case you were working on."

Jay clears his throat. "I had intel from a CI that a drop was going down in a club in Grand Crossing. This crew was moving major kilos and we had our eyes on them for a while. So, Erin and I went undercover as buyers. But somehow our cover was blown and we were taken."

"According to the report, they tortured you guys for information on your CI, right?"

"Yes," Jay nods.

Dr. Charles takes a moment and leafs through the report in front of him once again. "I think I would have given up my CI," he adds in a hush tone.

Jay chuckles and a faint smile pulls at the corner of Erin's lips.

"It is a thought that goes through your head," Jay states.

"So, explain to me why didn't you?"

Jay exhales. "By revealing our source we put not only the CI's head on the chopping block, but also their family."

"And the team," Erin chimes in. "They could track it back to Intelligence. You never know."

Dr. Charles nods. "Could you, perhaps, have given them a fake name?"

Erin nods. "The CI's identity was our bargaining chip. And if we lie, there is no coming back if they find out, which they eventually do."

"In other words, we would no longer be an asset to them," Jay clarifies.

Dr. Charles nods, thinking about the information they shared. "At any time did you consider giving your CI up?" Dr. Charles asks.

Jay looks at Erin. "Yes. I tried to bargain with them. I told them if they let Erin go I would reveal my source."

Dr. Charles observes Erin shaking her head while wringing her hands on her lap. "How did that make you feel, Erin?"

"Angry at him for offering to give _our_ bargaining chip for _my_ life."

"Why anger and not gratitude, perhaps?" Dr. Charles asks.

Erin is silent for a moment before she says, "Anger because he made that decision alone." She turns to Jay and says, "We are partners. We should make life or death decision together."

When Jay is doesn't respond, Dr. Charles prods, "What do you have to say to that, Jay?"

Jay breaks eye contact with Erin and says, "There was no decision to be made. Choosing to put her life before mine was as natural as…breathing."

Dr. Charles watches Erin's eyes glisten.

"Erin," Jay turns to her. "The chances of you getting out was better than mine. If I could get you out, maybe we could spare more carnage."

The room falls silent. Dr. Charles notes that the trauma, although extensively physical, is more emotional.

The doctor clears his throat and asks, "Erin, wouldn't you do the same for Jay? If you thought his chances were better?"

"Yes," Erin says without a second thought.

"Then why do you feel angry if you would do the same?"

"I don't know," Erin shrugs

"Guilt?" Dr. Charles suggest.

"Yes. Maybe. But my chances weren't any better than his," Erin says defensively.

Dr. Charles watches Jay shake his head. His dismissive attitude rings a bell in the doctor's mind. "Jay, could your choice to put your life on the line for Erin's have stemmed from the fact that the intel came from your CI and maybe in the back of your mind you thought it was your fault?"

Now it's Jay's turn to be silent.

"Jay?" Dr. Charles asks. "Do you think this was your fault?"

After a moment, Jay admits, "Yes." He shifts uncomfortably on the couch. "There is that, but even if the intel hadn't been mine, I would have reacted the same," he adds.

"Jay," Erin says softly. "This wasn't your fault. No one blames you." She puts her hands on top of his and adds, "I don't blame you."

"I-I should've asked more questions, you know? I let my guard down. I should've been more thorough with the leads."

"It's completely normal to feel guilty." Dr. Charles chimes in. "But despite any supposable oversight, what happened is not on you. I can assure you everyone feels a certain level of guilt for what happened."

"So how do we move past this?" Erin asks openly.

"You train – like building a muscle," Dr. Charles says and both, Erin's and Jay's forehead furrows in confusion. "When you feel a certain level of guilt, acknowledge it, and let it go." Dr. Charles takes a deep breath. "Slowly you'll stop allowing the guilt to cloud your mind. As long as you recognize it."

Jay reaches for Erin's hand and squeezes it.

"This is a good place to stop. I will pencil you guys down for two more sessions, as it is required, but if you feel you want to do more, that's okay with me."

Erin stands up and pulls Jay up with her. Jay shakes Dr. Charles's hand and says, "Thank you."

"Yeah, thank you," Erin repeats.

Dr. Charles slightly bows his head in acknowledgement of their appreciation. "I will see you guys next week."

Jay and Erin leave the doctor's office a little lighter – a little closer.

**x**

Jay is officially released from the hospital two weeks later. The sun is just setting in the horizon when Erin walks into his room and leans against the door.

"You ready?"

"Yeah," Jay says. He pushes himself off the bed and takes slow, unassisted steps towards the door just as a nurse pushes a wheelchair in.

"I don't need that." Jay waves it off.

"Hospital policy," she adds.

With a defeated sigh he slumps down on the chair and Erin happily wheels him out. When they reach the automatic doors to the outside, he is greeted by the entire Intelligence team. Jay smiles and slowly pushes himself off the chair.

"He's a free man, ladies and gentlemen," Adam says.

"How does it feel to be out?" Antonio asks.

"Really good," Jay says and Antonio pats him on his back.

"Glad you're out, bro," Kevin says.

"Thanks, Kev."

"I bet Jay can still outrun you, Ruzek," Kevin teases.

Jay laughs, but deep inside he knows that might never be the case. He might never be fully back on his feet. They might give him his badge back, but stick him behind a desk. So instead of relying on hope alone, he wants to be realistic. He needs to prepare himself for the most likely outcome, which isn't a good one.

Soon, the group disbands and bids their goodbyes, with pats on Jay's back and the ever-overstated promise that he will be back in the bullpen in no time. Jay is grateful for their support and appreciates the comradery, but he knows they are just being positive for the sake of being positive.

He slowly walks towards the awaiting 300, smiling when Erin's beams at him.

"Want to stop by the district? I'm sure everyone will be happy to see you."

"Maybe tomorrow," Jay says.

"Dreading the stairs?" Erin asks, although she knows that's not the reason he would avoid setting foot back at the district.

"Maybe," he says with a small smile.

"You'll be running up and down those stairs in no time," Erin assures him, hoping he understands the underlining meaning of her words.

"I don't know," Jay says and averts his eyes to look out the window. He doesn't want to talk about this again.

Erin looks at his down crest façade. How many times does she have to remind him that a full recovery is attainable and very much possible? "Jay," Erin pulls his attention back to her. "This will take time. It won't happen overnight." She reaches out across the seat and takes his hand. "We're doing this together, remember?"

Jay nods, brings their intertwined hands to his lips, and kisses her hand. Maybe her enthusiasm alone will be enough for both of them.

**x**

A week flies by and Erin is back to full duty, while Jay has a revolving door of caretakers helping him at home. Physical therapy and a cocktail of medications allow him to get around, but not without difficulty. It takes another month before he is cleared for desk duty – which Hank had to pull a few strings to make it happen. It frustrates him that he can't be out in the field, but at least he is not cooped up at home and can put his pent up frustration to good use. Even though Hank keeps a tight leash on him, for his own preservation, Jay still pushes the envelope and some semblance of normalcy returns.

It's late one evening and Jay is lying face down on the bed, ice pack resting on his lower back. With a sympathetic smile on her lips, Erin climbs on the bed. She runs her hand down his bare back and moves the ice pack a little lower, where she knows it's sore.

"Do you want me to massage your back," she asks.

"Yeah," he says, his voice muffled by one of Erin's many pillows. "I think that would help."

She discards the ice pack and takes the medicated massage oil from the nightstand. She pours some on her palm and rubs her hands together, warming the liquid. She starts from his upper back and works her way down to where she knows is sore. She lets her fingers run over the surgical scar there and feels his muscles tighten under her touch.

"Does it hurt here?" She asks.

"A little," he says, further stiffening his muscles as Erin kneads the spot.

"Did you overdue it in PT today?"

"I don't think so. They had me jog and I didn't feel pain until he used the electrical shock pads."

"Maybe it's just your muscles waking up. You haven't really used them in a while."

"Yeah, maybe," he says.

"Think of it as if you're just starting to work out again after a long hiatus." Erin kneads his lower back a little more before she moves to his shoulders. "When are you seeing the city doctor?"

"He doesn't want to see me until I get the all clear from the physical therapist."

Erin can hear the frustration in his tone. "You are almost there, babe. You've made so much progress in such a short amount of time. Give it another month and you'll be back to full duty."

Jay slowly turns to face Erin. He pulls on her hand until she is lying down, face to face with him. He plants a small kiss on her lips. "Thank you for the massage."

"I wasn't done." Erin says, smiling insinuatingly at Jay. She locks her fingers behind at the nape of his neck, and adds, "You know what would _really_ help?"

Jay chuckles. "What?"

Erin moves so that she is now hovering over him. "Some of this," she says planting a few kisses on the hollow of his neck. She kisses a trail up to his ear and whispers, "How about this?" She says as her hand travels to the edge of his shorts.

He pulls her closer and they kiss lingeringly. Jay gently pulls takes off her shirt, and Erin watches as he undoes her bra and slowly slides the thin fabric from her shoulders. He then pulls her close and kisses her deeply, his tongue contorting with hers. Erin slowly sinks herself into his chest and his lips travels to her shoulder, then neck, then her lips, before traveling down to her breasts. Jay then, with some difficulty, rolls her on her back and hovers on top of her.

Seeing Jay's face pinch in pain, Erin askes, "You okay?"

"Yes." He gives her a reassuring nod.

The night rolls on and they find themselves deliciously exhausted and in Jay's case, pleasantly sore. They cuddle close that night, resting together, catching their breaths. As the days go by, Jay's progress stalls with minor setbacks and it is puts additional stress on their relationship. So they learn to bask in these seemingly perfect moments because it's not every night that they end up in each other's arms.

* * *

 **Uh-Oh, I sense trouble head. Again, thanks for reading!**


	7. I Don't Want to Hurt You

**I apologize for the wait. Things got hectic on my end. But here is ere's the next chapter.**

 **I own nothing.**

* * *

Over the past week tension builds up between Jay and Erin. Jay's pent up frustration and anger sometimes gets the best of him. He tries to bury these feeling, but they often surface. Erin aches to be there for him because at times he turns his pent-up frustration against himself. Lately tough, he has turned it outward, and Erin's support seems to further aggravate him. She would be lying if she said the situation isn't wearing her out.

One fateful morning, while Erin is getting breakfast ready, she hears Jay cursing up a storm from the bedroom.

"Hey, everything okay?" Erin says, poking her head inside the bedroom. She keeps her tone light and casual.

Jay, who is sitting on the edge of the bed doesn't look her way, but Erin sees a flicker of annoyance ripple on his face.

"Need help?" She says nonchalantly.

"No." Jay says curtly. "I shouldn't need help to put my damn socks on."

She watches him struggle as a second set of expletives are ousted from his lips.

Erin slowly pads inside the bedroom and perches herself in front of him. "Let me help you."

Jay lets out a frustrated sigh and plummets backwards on the bed. He covers his face with his hands and says, "It's okay, Erin, I got it."

His voice is small and muffled and his tone is laced with pain and aggravation. But Erin ignores all this and bends down in front of him and slips his socks on his feet.

"Now stop pouting. These are just socks," Erin states.

"It's not just the socks. It's everything." Jay lifts himself up to a sitting position and says, "It's the constant reminder that I can't do the most menial things."

"Jay, it's temporary. It's ALL temporary."

"It's been months," Jay shoots back. Disappointment dripping from every word.

"Jay, you were in the hospital for nearly two months. You had two surgeries on your back alone. The doctors didn't even know if you're going to be able to walk again. And here you are…walking all over my nerves."

Jay rolls his eyes. "You don't understand."

"I DO understand. I'm here with you, aren't I?"

A mix of irrational hurt and anger spread across his face, as if her words cut right through him. "I don't need pity, okay?"

"That's not wha—"

"If you're here because you feel some weird guilt for what happen, don't. Do what Dr. Charles said, 'Acknowledge it and let it go.' I appreciate the help, but I can take care of myself." Jay stands up, wobbles to the closet, and pulls his jacket off the peg behind on the door.

Jay's words didn't really register and Erin looks at him dumbfounded. She hasn't seen him this angry. She knows he is not mad at her, but more so with himself.

"Jay, where are you going?" She asks, trying to ease the tightness in her chest.

"Work," he says curtly. His voice is hard and low. He walks away from her, his spine stiff, afraid if she sees his face, she'll read the emotions in his eyes – emotions doesn't know how to deal with now.

Erin sees Jay turn away and a fresh ache seizes her. "Jay—" Erin calls after him, but he slips his shoes on and marches out the front door.

Erin is left empty and confused. How did things get so out of control so quickly? She definitely is not sticking around because of guilt. She is here because she loves that stubborn guy more than anything. She understands what he is going through because she is here with him, at every doctor's appointment, at his physical therapy sessions – she's there. She sees with her eyes and feels it in her heart his pain and that's why she understands what he is going through.

Erin releases a defeated sigh. Maybe understanding isn't enough.

**x**

A few days go by and things don't get any better between them. It seems that every conversation they have snowballs into an irrelevant argument. Jay is hurting and Erin doesn't know how to help him. Eventually, Jay decides to go stay with his brother and Erin feels the wind being knocked out of her when he makes the announcement.

"What are you talking about you're going to stay with your brother?" Erin hisses.

"I-I need…time."

"Time for what?"

"Just… I need time, Erin. We need to cool off." His eyes turn dark blue.

Erin takes a step back, but doesn't back down. This is too damn important. "Look I know things haven't been butterflies and rainbows lately, but this is your home. Our home."

Jay sighs. "I just need to get my head on straight."

"And you can't do it while you're here?"

Frustration bubbles at the surface of his skin. "I've tried okay. I've been trying to deal with everything, but I can't. Not…here."

Erin is taken aback. She's supposed to be his partner and what he is telling her right now is that during this bad patch he can't find solace while he is with her.

"Okay," Erin says, her tone turned cold. "You're angry. Fine. Tap out." Erin feels she should probably stop before she says something she might regret, but she can't stop the flow of words. "Go and stay with your brother. Get the support you need from him and not from the one person who you should lean on."

"Erin, it's temporary until I figure this out."

"No, I get it," Erin says coldly and walks towards the door. "Your message is loud and clear."

"Erin, don't—"

"No." Erin pulls her jackets off the coat closet. "I'm going to give you space. Staring now," she says and marches out.

Jay stares at the door in a frozen state of mind. "I don't want to hurt you," he utters to no one in particular.

**x**

When Erin eventually returns home a dark stillness surrounds her apartment. Jay usually leaves a light on, making their apartment welcoming, but tonight, as she slowly walks inside, there is no movement, no welcome. No Jay. A horrible realization comes to her in a flash, the details of their fight hitting her all at once blinding her with panic: Jay is not coming home.

Since that night, they have only seen each other at work. Their conversations barely veers on topics outside of a current case. It's like they are strangers. Jay has alienated himself and his overall attitude has been indifferent, borderline cold. Erin is trying to grant him the time and space he supposedly needs, but she is starting to think about how this might be the beginning of the end.

Eventually the dust settles and so does their tempers. She arrives at work early one morning in hopes to talk to him – at least to catch up on how he is doing, ease back into his world. But he doesn't arrive until everyone is already there. She watches him walk in – shoulders hunched, face stoic. His limp is a bit more pronounced and a closer look lets her know he is not wearing any socks.

Jay walks straight down the bullpen and turns towards the locker room. Erin sees her chance. She casually gets up and strolls in his direction. She peeks in the locker room and sees him resting his forehead against the cold lockers. She watches him pull a paper from the inside of his jacket, toss it inside his locker, and shut the door with a forceful smack. Erin is momentarily startled and Jay notices her standing by the door.

Their eyes lock and Erin says, "Hey."

"Hey," he says with a small head nod.

Erin slowly enters the locker room, but stands guarded, hands crossed over her chest. "How's it going?" She asks.

"Going," he replies, attempting but failing to mask the melancholy in his tone.

Erin doesn't want to play games with him. But she's not ready to voice the one question that has been on her mind lately. So instead, she asks, "What's the paper you tossed in the locker?"

Jay looks taken aback, but quickly masks his reaction. "It's nothing," he tries to brush it off.

"Jay," Erin says taking a step forward. "What's in that paper?"

Jay exhales annoyed. "It's nothing." When Erin stands her ground looking directly at him, Jay concedes and says, "It's a stupid prescription."

Erin frowns and waits for him to elaborate.

Jay exhales and slumps onto the wooden bench. "The doctor did a cat scan and saw some swelling in my lower back."

At the moment Erin forgets why they are at odds with each other. His demeanor alone makes her heart tighten in her chest.

"Is it bad?" She asks.

Without looking at her he says, "I'm getting steroid injections to see if it helps. If it doesn't my next option is surgery to relieve the pressure – again."

Jay looks downcast and Erin wants to discredit his pessimism, but maybe she should really listen to what he is saying.

"They can only relieve the swelling so many times, you know?" Jay continues. "The other option is fusion surgery and if it comes to that….I'm officially done."

"Look, Jay—"

Jay stands up and says, "Not right now, okay?"

"I was just going to—" Erin tries.

"Don't. There's nothing to say," Jay adds and tries to walk past Erin, but Erin grabs his arm.

"Wait," she says. The question she's been meaning to ask him lingers on her lips - the reason she followed him here. For a fraction of a second she contemplates on just letting him go, but she doesn't.

"What about us? Is there nothing to say about it too?"

Jay's facial expression softens a little, though it remains unreadable. But that same flicker of feeling moves through his eyes.

Erin sees the change in his demeanor and pushes the subject further. "What happened to _doing this together_?" She then goes for the kill shot. "What are _we_ right now?"

"I, um, I just have had a lot going on and…" Jay stammers, gut burning.

"Then say that," Erin states. "We have barely talked, and when we do see each other it's like you're avoiding me."

Jay clears his throat and shifts his stance. "I'm not avoiding you," he says – his voice harsher than he'd intended. "It's just… I'm not in a good headspace right now."

Jay begins to leave, but Erin blurts out, "Is it over?"

The question whooshes air from his lungs. Jay opens his mouth to answer, but Antonio sticks his head in the hallway leading to the locker room and says, "Halstead, Lindsay, we have a case."

Jay looks at Lindsay for a second longer before he silently follows Antonio to the bullpen. Erin remains behind an extra minute to get her head back in the game.

 _Is it over?_

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. You guys are the best. Seriously. Writing this fic has been very cathartic for me. Cheers!**


	8. You Deserve Better

**Hello! Happy early turkey day! I'm thankful for having found a great fandom full of wonderful humans! Thanks for your support.**

 **Onto the next installment in this fic...**

 **I still ow nothing.**

* * *

Days go by and the status quo between Jay and Erin remains the same. She no longer feels the need to push the subject and he doesn't demonstrate any inkling to want to ameliorate the situation. Erin was devastated at first, but now she's complacent. Although things are still up in the air, she knows deep dpwn that it's done between them.

It's a typical Thursday morning. Erin is sipping on her coffee, sifting through her emails when Hank walks in, his face a mix of anger and gloom. He wordlessly places the pictures of two police officers on the board and informs the unit that a beat car found them, tied up, beaten, and left for dead in a warehouse in the outskirts of the city. They were taken to Med, but neither made it.

"Vice cops. Partners. Kidnapped while undercover. Ring any bells?" Hank says, anger seeping into his voice, darkening it. "We let them do this again. This is on us." His breath heaves with indignation, with suppressed fury, but with effort he manages to control himself. "Forget all ongoing cases. This is your only case."

Erin can't concentrate on the words as they leave Hank's mouth. Blood begins pounding in her ears like a drum. Overcome with queasiness, Erin excuses herself from the bullpen and retreats to the bathroom where she lurches her lunch down the toilet. The memories resurface, the pain, the agony tightens her throat and all she can do is focus on breathing. In spite of herself, the tears trickle down her cheeks. And no matter how hard she tries, she is unable to disconnect herself from _the masked man_ – his putrid scent, the menacing timbre of his voice, and the dark look in his eyes.

She presses her hand to her temples, easing the ache within. Moments later, Erin hears footsteps approaching. She knows by the slow, paced gait that it is Jay and she feels all sorts of emotions welling up once again.

He slowly pushes the bathroom door open. "Erin?"

Erin wipes her mouth and says, "Hey."

"You okay?" He asks, although the answer to his question is written all over her face.

Erin grips either side of the sink and lets her head hang low. "That could've been us."

"But it wasn't," Jay quickly adds.

"They got away with this again," Erin says angrily, swallowing the lump in her throat.

"We're gonna catch them," Jay assures her.

He walks all the way into the bathroom and places a comforting hand on Erin's back. So comforting that it strips her strength away and tears fills her eyes. It's the first time in weeks that he has touched her. Now as they stand, staring at each other, he gently wipes a runaway tear from her cheek with his thumb. Erin finds it difficult to stop herself from leaning into his touch. But with what can only be deemed as super human effort, Erin fights the urge and takes a step back. Jay instantly drops his hand and shoves it in his pants pocket.

After a silent moment Jay adds, his voice just above a whisper, "I'm sorry about… _us_. I've been…angry. But," He pauses – his clear blue eyes cloud over. "You deserve better."

"Don't," Erin warns, knowing exactly where he is taking this conversation. She's not mentally ready to handle it right now. "We can't possibly have this conversation right now."

"Erin, listen," He says calmly. "I'm barely holding myself together. You deserve better."

Erin is not ready to delve into this, but she knows Jay won't open this avenue for conversation again. She exhales slowly and says, "You don't get to stand there and tell me that. If you no longer feel anything for me, that's fine. I'll get over it. But don't stand there and tell me I deserve better."

"Erin, my back is not getting better. I'm a liability. I don't want to drag you under with me."

"Is that what this has all been about? You not wanting to drag me under?" She scoffs.

"You deserve someone who has your back one hundred percent of the time. I can't be that person anymore."

"Do I look like I give a shit about that?" Erin says curtly. "No one can give one hundred percent all the time. It's not realistic. Why are you choosing to go through this alone?"

Jay is silent.

In the past few weeks, Erin has come to the conclusion that Jay's injury affects his ability to do the one thing he loves to do – serve and protect. When that is in jeopardy, so is his identity. She sees that he is hurt, both physically and mentally. But she loves this stupid man and it breaks her heart to see him suffering alone.

"Babe," Erin begins. The pet name slipping past her lips unnoticed. "I've learned to lean on you, maybe it's your turn to lean on me." Erin takes a deep breath and says, "I don't care about _baggage_. God knows I have a trunk full." She takes a step and is face to face with him again. "I'm not with you because of some warped guilt." She pauses before she adds, "I'm with you because I love you."

Jay eyes glistens. He loves Erin and it's breaking him to shut her out of his life. But he's been mentally unstable and he hated what he was doing to her while they lived together. She deserves better. But the broken look on her face right now…he can't control what his heart wants to do.

He gently takes her and pulls her to a hug.

To say that Erin is surprised is an understatement. She is so overwhelmed by how much she'd missed this, missed him. She's been pushing her emotions away and out of mind when it came to Jay that the tears come back all over again. She pulls away slightly and looks up at him, and the way he is looking at her now…she hears everything those eyes say, and she soaks it all in. Her lungs were ready to explode, her heart was ready to burst from her chest.

When he leans towards her, she forgets everything. Everything but his touch. His lips find hers, brushes gently across them. They are warm and soft and everything she remembers. She touches his face, loving the familiar angels, the rough feel of his jaw. After a moment Jay pulls away slightly, and in that moment words can't begin to describe the ache of sheer longing they both feel.

"I'm sorry," he utters.

Erin hears regret in his voice. "Don't…Don't say that," she whispers.

"We should go back," he says, motioning with his head towards the door.

Biting her bottom lip, Erin looks up at his eyes and nods.

Jay slowly turns on his heels and walks out of the bathroom, leaving Erin alone with a whirlwind of unanswered questions swirling in her head.

**x**

The next few days, the team doesn't rest, eat, or sleep. The bullpen becomes their home and this becomes their only case. Two fellow cops died at the hand of the same men who almost took two of their own. The coffee pours endlessly and the stacks of takeout boxes pile up in the kitchen. The white board is filled with leads and pictures, but also with many question marks. Everyone connected to this ring either drops off from the face of the earth or is found with a bullet in the head.

They are close – but not close enough. The frustration runs high and the overwhelming sense of defeat balloons inside each of them. There's always a setback, a cold lead, a dead body and it all points to one man, whose face is replaced with a question mark on the white board.

"Where we at with forensics?" Hanks asks.

"I put in a rush order," Ruzek says. "Crime Lab should be sending their findings any minute now."

"What about John Doe here? Have we got an ID?" Hank asks, pointing to a gruesome picture of a dead body on the board.

"We didn't get a hit on his prints, but Mouse is trying to run him through the FBI database," Atwater chimes in.

"The plates on those two cars left at the warehouse came back. They were reported stolen from Humble Park two nights before the kidnapping," Antonio adds. "Whoever is behind this knows how to play the game."

Hank itches his forehead, irritated. "Jay, how about your CI for that original undercover bust?"

"Daniel Cerce?" Jay asks. "We interviewed him a few days back. He doesn't know anything. At the time he was working at the club as a bouncer. He's not involved."

"Are you sure?" Hank asks.

Jay let out a frustrated sigh. "We checked his financials, we had a beat car tail him for a week… He's not involved."

"What about the club owner?" Erin pipes up. "He must know something," Erin says, standing from her chair and walking towards the board. "He could've easily gotten the intel that Jay and I were cops sniffing around his club and made a buck selling the information."

"The club was never the target," Jay points out. "Danny overheard a conversation outside by the two men with the coin slot on their foreheads," Jay says, motioning to two pictures on the board.

Hank thinks. "Who's the club owner? Does he have priors? Any suspicious affiliation?"

"On it," Mouse pipes up.

"Al, Ruzek," Hank signals to the two men. "Put a tail on him. I want everything on this club. Talk to your CIs and find out if there's any shady business coming in or out of that club. Find any leverage on this guy."

Turns out, the club owner is clean, but his son, Jeremy Juarez, has a rap sheet as long as they come. Forensics quickly links him to the crime scene where the vice cops were found. This is the biggest break the unit has had on this case to date. A new sense of purpose is pumped into the unit and they gear up to grab this guy.

Although Jay is sidelined from all field work, he helps Erin get ready at the loading dock - mostly out of habit. They don't talk, but they've reached a mutual understanding, an agreement of some sort. These guys needed to be caught. This is what is most important right now.

Hank approaches them and throws Jay his vest. Jay is startled, but his surprised face gradually turns confused.

"I need you there to make an ID and you," he points to Erin, "I want you to keep an eye on him. Wait with the beat cars until I say so." Before Erin can protest, Hank raises his hand and stops her, "This is nonnegotiable."

Erin suppresses her rebuttal and Jay is quick to note her frustration. As soon as Hank is out of earshot he says, "Sorry that I got you on babysitting duties."

"Nothing to do with you. Hank's keeping a tight leash on me." Erin says and adds, "I think he is having you come to babysit me and not the other way around."

"Nonsense," Jays says with a grin. "He wants to make sure I don't injure another vertebra climbing the walls of this place while you guys are out there catching Juarez."

"Speaking of it, how's your back?" She brings up the topic.

"Some pain," Jay offers. "But not like before."

Erin nods and says, "Good. Those steroid shots seems to be working."

Jay shrugs.

The walk together to the 300 and it's nostalgic. It's the first time in longer than they care to remember that they partner up. Although, they've suppressed any and every emotion concerning them in the past week, they can't hide the smile that pulls the corners of their lips.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Enjoy the Holiday! Cheers!**


	9. I Don't Want to Be Alone

Wow! It's been a while and I apologize. Life got hectic and then the holidays bulldozed over me, but I'm back with the next installment of this story.

 **Here's a recap:** Jay and Erin got kidnapped/tortured. Jay sustained a spinal injury, which inevitably messed with his ego and he distanced himself from Erin (moved out of their apt). Time went by and two cops were kidnapped and later found in a warehouse - just like Jay and Erin, however, they don't make it. This brings everything back to the surface for Erin and Jay. They are trying to work the case while navigating through their personal issues. This chapter picks up right after they find a suspect in the cop killings.

I own nothing.

* * *

Jay and Erin drive to Juarez's house in silence. The only sounds heard echo from the police radios propped on the dash board. Erin's adrenaline is pumping stronger than ever, temporarily suppressing her headache. She's trying not to think about her personal problems right now, but it's proving to be a rather difficult task since the main reason for them was sitting mere inches from her. When she pulls up to a house in Albany Park, she sits back, watching the team surround the place.

In the meantime, Jay watches Erin fidget in her seat.

"What's on your mind?" He asks.

Erin doesn't respond. But Jay sees the cogs in her heard turning as she conjures an answer his question. After a moment, Erin takes a deep breath and says, "Nothing, it's just…"

"What?"

She doesn't want to bring their personal life up right now. So she tells him what's been on her mind since they caught a break in this case. "I keep mulling over that night. I keep thinking where we went wrong. How were we outsmarted by scum like Jeremy Juarez?"

"Erin, they knew we were coming. We weren't expecting it," Jay says softly. He suppresses the urge to run his hand over the barely-there scar on her cheek. "There was nothing more we could've done."

Erin locks eyes with Jay. She's actually surprised about how level-headed he is right now. Any other time he would've defied Hanks order and skipped on right to the house.

"I don't know how you are doing it," she verbalizes her thoughts.

"Doing what?"

"Being calm and collected, while I just want to go in there and rip people's head off."

Jay chuckles. "I want to do more than just rip their heads off," Jay assures her.

They hear talking over the radio and soon enough the team emerges from the house with the perp in tow. Jay and Erin jump out of the car and walk the short distance to where Juarez is being restrained by Kevin. Erin examines his face, mainly his eyes, and shakes her head.

"He is not the one," she says.

Juarez jerks against Kevin and Jay clumsily shoves him against Alvin's car. Pain shoots up and down his back. Before he can say or do anything, Hank says, "Not here." He looks at his team and says, "Put him in the cage."

The drive back to the district is again silent. But now there's a sense of disappointment. Perhaps, in the back of their minds, they thought they were going to catch a bigger fish, but from the looks of it, it is probably another bottom feeder with little information and little incentive to share. When they arrive back at the district, they wait for Hank at the loading dock. Jay stands, leaning against the wall, while Erin paces. Juarez keeps his head down in the cage, he hasn't uttered a single word, but Erin hopes that will change soon.

The sound of footsteps coming down the stairs pulls Erin from her trance. She looks at Jay and he has his gaze fixated on Juarez. She wishes she could see what's going on in his head, though, it doesn't take a lot to see flash of anger in his eyes.

Hank appears calm and relaxed. He slowly unlocks the cage and takes a seat next to the perp. Alvin leans by the door, watching.

"Look, we got your prints from the warehouse where two cops were killed. I don't think you're the brains of the crew," Hank says. "I don't make deals with cop killers, but today is your lucky day."

Juarez looks up. "I want a lawyer," he states.

Hank chuckles dryly. "Look around. No one knows you're here. If you were to…I don't know, disappear? No one would know."

Juarez looks up, panic flashes in his eyes.

"You know who I am. I'm sure you know my detective over there," Hank says yanking the perps head by his hair to show Jay, still leaning silently against the wall. "And there," Hank jerks his head towards Erin. "Now, I'm going to let them do to you exactly what was done to them, unless you can tell me who's your boss."

Juarez hisses.

"You have a choice to make and I'm giving you ten seconds to make it."

Jay begins to take slow steps towards the cage.

"10…9…8…" Hank counts.

"I don't have a boss," Juarez spits out.

"…7…6…"

"Look, I was called to that warehouse to pick up a load. I know nothing about killing cops."

"5…4…3..."

"I'm telling you, man. I was there to pick a load. I do runs."

"2…."

Juarez sees Jay walking past Alvin and pulling the cage door forcefully open.

"Ronnie Sulks," he blurts out desperately. "I do the runs for him. I swear. He buys the shipment and I pick it up."

"Ronnie Sulks, the pimp on Harding?" Hank asks.

"Yes, I don't ask questions I just do the pickup."

"From that warehouse?" Alvin pipes up.

"Yes."

"What about the warehouse on Irving?" Jay interjects. "Have you ever picked up any load over there?"

Juarez is silent.

Jay cracks his knuckles and shoves Juarez against the wall. "The warehouse on Irving. Who does the pick up there?"

"There hasn't been a pick up there in a long time," Juarez mumbles.

"But who did the runs over there?" Jay insists.

"It wasn't Ronnie. I-It was another crew. I swear man!"

Jay lets him go. The excruciating pain I his back weakening his every muscle. "I need a name."

"I-I…I don't," Juarez stutters.

"A name," Jay repeats.

"They are going to kill me, man!" Juarez pleas desperately.

Hank who's been watching the exchange, stands up and places a hand on Jay's shoulder. "Maybe I should leave you two alone," he says and walks out of the cage. Hank stands back with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Look, all I know is that there's this guy. People call him Ghost. That's the name I heard when I picked up Ronnie's load a week before the cops were found. The warehouse in Irving Park is his stomping ground."

A look of disbelief crosses Alvin's face. "Ghost?" He repeats and looks to Hank. Hank takes a deep breath.

Jay sees their silent interaction and asks, "Who's Ghost?"

When neither Hank nor Alvin respond, Erin approaches them, looking between the two older men and asks, "Who's Ghost?"

 ****x****

The entire team agglomerates in the bull pen, watching Hank pin a photo to a spot where a question mark once was. As soon as Jay and Erin sees the man's face they know. It's him. And just like that, all the memories from all those months back come rushing back. Erin can feel his breath against her neck, his fingers against her skin, and his grave voice taunting her ears. For just a short moment, she's pulled into this vortex of recollections.

 _His hands on her belt buckle._

 _The sounds of his zipper opening._

 _His weight as he straddles her, keeping her legs down._

 _His diabolical smile._

 _Her pants being pushed down._

Jay is quick to note her dazed look. "It's him." Jay says and places a comforting hand on Erin's back. His touch quickly pulling her back. "That's the guy."

The team looks to Erin for confirmation and she nods.

"This is Gerard Bolton," Hank says. "Alvin and I have had many run-ins with him. He has been apprehended a few times, but witnesses have recanted or disappeared. They nicknamed him 'Ghost' because no one can find him."

"He hasn't been on CPD's radar for years," Alvin adds.

"He is at the top of the list now," Hank says. "Jenkins and Saraiva," Hank pins two additional pictures on the white board. "Are his old-time associates. If Ghost is back in town these two will know something about it."

The team is further briefed on Bolton's history and immediately afterwards they scatter to examine old case files to try to find additional intel on Bolton.

Jay sees Erin quietly walk out of the bullpen and make her way to the locker room. He waits a few minutes before he follows her there and finds her pacing. He reaches for her arm and she immediately starts – her defensive senses somewhat hyped up.

"It's me," Jay says, both hands up.

"Oh, I, um, thought, um…" she stutters.

"He can't hurt you anymore."

"I know," she says, shaking her head, as if to get rid of the ill feelings clouding her mind. "It was just..." She pauses, searching for the right word. "…hard, looking at him again. Seeing his whole face staring back at me."

Jay reaches for her again, this time she welcomes his touch. "I'm sorry for what he did to you." Jay's voice is just above a whisper.

Erin locks eyes with him. Her breathing quickens as the images flashes like a broken horror movie. Her eyes glisten. "I-I can still feel his hands," Erin shutters. She looks away and says, "I wanted to die."

"I promised I was going to kill him." Jay pauses. His eyes boring holes right through her. "I keep my promises. He is going to regret the day he laid a single finger on you."

"After all these months…" Erin sighs. "I'm still letting him inside my head," she admits miserably. "I'm angry at myself for giving him space."

He doesn't know what to say to her because he has also let that man rob him of his sleep. Many nights he has laid awake, hearing Erin's silent screams as he is powerless to stop it.

"We are going to take everything he has," Jay says, "When we are done with him, he will have nothing."

Erin looks up at him and nods. Jay begins to leave, but Erin blurts out, "Come home tonight?"

Jay stop in his tracks. They haven't pushed this subject in a while and he is surprised she brought it up.

"Erin—"

"Just for tonight. I don't want to be alone."

Jay's heart breaks. He runs a hand over the faint scar on her cheek and says, "Okay."

* * *

 **Thank you for reading. Let me know if you guys are still with me here. Cheers!**


	10. Let's not Beat a Dead Horse

**Hello everyone. I hope everyone is doing okay. Here's the next chapter. Enjoy.**

 **I own nothing.**

* * *

Jay stands outside _their_ apartment, summoning up the courage to knock on the door. Although he agreed to come over tonight, he doesn't know if he actually will. Jay is not ready to let Erin see him twice as broken as before. Erin spent most of her young adult life taking care of an incompetent mother. He will not be another person she has to take care of. But he didn't have the strength to deny Erin after all that happened. Before he can walk away, his fist makes contact with the door, knocking twice.

He waits and hears the rustling of feet. It isn't long before the door opens and he is faced with Erin.

"Hi," she says surprised. She had doubted that he would show up tonight. "Why didn't you use your keys?"

Jay takes a moment to think about her question. An odd expression flickers across his face. To be honest, it felt wrong – this isn't his place anymore.

"I didn't want to invade your space," he says.

Erin has a quick rebuttal at the tip of her tongue, but she holds it in and simply makes way for him to enter. She stands awkwardly, looking at Jay slowly limping his way inside. She can tell he doesn't want to be there, doesn't want to talk to her or even see her, but for some reason she can't bring herself to walk away just yet. There is so many things still unresolved. And she hates it. Hates the anger and the resentment. She takes a quick second and closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

"Are you hungry?" She asks. "I was about to order pizza."

"I can go for pizza," he says.

Erin thinks she sees him smile. Granted, it wasn't much of a smile - a small tug that pulled at the corner of his lips.

"Okay," she says. "Peperoni and cheese?"

"Yeah," Jay nods.

Erin thinks about making small talk, thinking it will ease the tension a bit, but it doesn't seem right after everything they have shared together. How can she talk about something as mundane as the weather, when there was so much left unsaid between them? So she silently retreats to the kitchen to call the pizza place.

In the meantime, Jay looks around the living room and notices that nothing has changed. He doesn't know what he expected. Maybe new furniture? But no, she kept _their_ apartment intact, perhaps in hopes that he would come back. This pains him more than the shooting ache on his back.

"Done," Erin says entering the living room. "Pizza should be here in a half hour. Want something to drink?"

Jay shakes his head, no, and folds his arms in front of his chest. He appears closed off and unapproachable. It is plain to see he is keeping a physical and emotional distance between them. Erin draws a breath, then lets it out in a surprised huff. She doesn't know what she was expecting would happen once he came. There is nothing more to say that she hasn't said it. Nothing he is interested in hearing, anyways. An unexpected rush of emotion swells in her throat. She turns away from him just as tears spring into her eyes.

Although she tries to hide, Jay is quick to notice. "Maybe I should go…" he starts. He can't bear to cause Erin anymore pain that what he already has.

"What?" Erin's heart sinks. "Y-You just got here."

"Yes, but it's um… This," he motions between them. His voice rough with some hidden emotion. "I'm sorry. I should—"

"Damn it, you're not the only one who's had his life turned inside out!" The words come out before she knows she is going to say them. She shakes her head and bites back a sob. She's usually very much in control of her emotions, but lately she's felt so scatterbrained.

Jay's heart jolts hard in his chest before it starts racing. He blinks nervously and averts his eyes, but in in a fleeting display of vulnerability, he says, "I don't want to hurt you."

"Jay," she starts. "When are you going to get through your thick head that what hurts me is you pushing me away?"

Jay remains quiet and the silence between them is deafening.

"You know what?" Erin says massaging her temples. "Let's not beat a dead horse. I didn't want to give up on us…"

"Erin—"

"No, you have the right idea. I shouldn't make you do something you don't want to," Erin says feeling dazed, black spots starts to appear before her eye. She closes her eyes tight and opens them again, but the dizziness lingers. "You can go," Erin mumbles. "I won't bother you again."

Jay can tell something is wrong as he watches Erin try to focus her eyes.

"You feeling okay?" Jay asks. Worry lace his words.

If looks could kill, Jay would be disintegrated on the spot. "I'm fine," she spits back. She turns on her feet and stumbles towards the apartment door. Jay watches her carefully.

Erin opens the door and says, "You can go now."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Jay, I'm fine," she assures him, but it couldn't be further from the truth. "Let me know when you want to get the rest of your stuff."

Jay limps past Erin and looks at her pallid face, unfocused eyes, and shaky hands. "Have you taken anything?" He asks seriously.

"What?" Erin asks.

Jay gently takes a hold of her arm and asks, "Have you taken any medication?"

"I can't believe you're asking me that," Erin says and jerks away from his grasp. "Please, go." She motions for him to leave.

Jay limps slowly out the door. Looking suspiciously at Erin. He looks like he wants to say something and before he does Erin says, "Don't. I think we can skip this part."

Jay opens his mouth but Erin shuts the door on him. Something isn't right, he thinks. He stands there for a few moments, head resting on the door. He contemplates on using his keys, but then decides not to push this any longer. He was right. He shouldn't have come. He needs to stop hurting Erin. Maybe in the back of his mind he thought he could overcome this hurdle and meet Erin on the other side. But if tonight is any indication, he can't. That moment Jay decides he needs to not only distance himself from her emotionally, but also physically.

Erin shuts the door and continues to feel unwell. Her shocked brain refuses to focus in anything but a panicked review of what had just happened. She starts to get mild stomach cramps and the room begins to spin a little. So she lays down, and this eases the dizziness, but not the cramps. Then, a little later, nausea descends on her so she scampers to the toilet and spend a few seconds with her head hovering over the basin. She does not vomit though, so she returns back to the living, pushing the whirlwind of thoughts out of her mind, and closes her eyes.

Sometime later she hears knocking on her door. She slowly get up and makes her way towards the sound. Her head is in a fog and she's a bit disoriented. The sensation is so strong that she clings to the walls, not certain she can stay upright. She looks into the peephole and sees the pizza delivery man. She had completely forgotten that she had ordered pizza. She opens the door and a young guy greets her with a smile.

"Good evening, ma'am. Here's you pizza and you total is $33.76," he says.

Her head doesn't register what he says. The pain in her abdomen still as intense as before.

"Ma'am, are you okay?" The delivery man asks.

"Yeah, I um… I have…" Erin mumbles. Then, all of a sudden, she collapses in a heap on the ground.

The world around her goes quiet.

She hears someone shouting, but they sound distant. Her eyes – so heavy, feel like they are taped shut. Her mind wonders. There is someone in the distant calling her for. If she only could only open her eyes or speak. She feels like she's in a bubble, or encased in a tomb of fog – thick, dense fog. It is pressing on her, holding her down. Pressing against her eyelids and her head. Boom! Boom! The sound inside her head reverberates. She feels something touch her arms and legs, then she's being lifted up.

Her eyelids are still weighted down and the lingering pain in her stomach is almost too much for her to cope with. Maybe be if she rested now and didn't fight it, it would go away. Yes, maybe if she let it go she would be okay.

Meanwhile, Jay drives back to the district, walks up the stairs to intelligence, and hobbles straight towards Voight's office. The door is slightly open, so he knocks a couple of times before he pushes the door open. He finds Hank submerged in a pile of case files. The word is _Ghost_ written in every single one of them.

"Sarge," Jay begins.

Hanks looks up from the case files and sees the distraught look on Jay's face. "Somethin' I can help you with?" Hank asks.

The words falter. How is he supposed to verbalize the one thing he has been reluctant to admit? Jay takes a deep breath and says, "I think it's time for me to accept that I will never fully recover."

With great difficulty, Jay unclips his shield from his belt and places on top of Hanks desk. Hank halts what he is doing and gazes at the young man before him.

"I just think my spot in intelligence should be given to someone who can contribute to the team," Jay explains. "I know you've vouched for me upstairs, but we all know I will never leave that desk."

Hank sees the defeat in his eyes, but there is something else there, too, something hidden.

"How about you tell me what's really going on?" Hank asks bluntly.

"N-Nothing," Jay stutters. "I just need to move on."

"I see," Hank says. The room goes quiet as neither men speak, but Hank hears a lot in his silence. "You'll always have a spot in Intelligence," Hank assures him.

Jay nods appreciatively. "Thank you, sarge. I'm very fortunate to be have been part of this unit."

The two shake hands. Jay then takes a deep breath and walks out of Hank's office.

Moments later Hank's phone rings and it's from Chicago Med.

* * *

 **Let me know if you guys are still with me. Like the title of this chapter - I don't know to beat a dead horse. Cheers!**


	11. Everything is Fine

**Hey everyone! Here is the next chapter. I pushed this one out as fast as I could.**

 **I own nothing.**

* * *

Hank arrives at the hospital in record time. Upon entering he immediately sees Maggie, who signals with her head and says, "Next room on the right."

Hank nods his head appreciatively and follows her directions. He enters the room, momentarily startling Erin.

"Hank?" Erin asks surprised.

"Hey kid, what's going on?" Hank asks worried.

"How did you know I was here?" Erin asks.

"I got a call. What happened?" He asks, scrutinizing her from head to toe.

Erin becomes irritated. What happened to doctor/patient confidentiality? She pinches the bridge of her nose and says, "It's nothing. Just…Exhaustion," she says. There is a hint of annoyance in her voice.

"Exhaustion?"

"Yeah, I guess I've been a tad overzealous with this case. That's all," Erin states dismissively.

Hank doesn't buy it - not after having Halstead surrender his shield less than an hour ago. Something is up and he is going to find out sooner or later. But before he can ask Erin anything else, Will Halstead walks into the room.

"Hello, Voight," Will says.

"Hi Will, what's going on with Erin?"

Will and Erin exchange looks– this doesn't go unnoticed by Hank.

"Just got her labs and they came back clean," he says motioning to his hospital iPad. "We're giving her some fluids and keeping her overnight as a precaution."

"Okay," Hank says, brow still creases with worry.

Will turns to Erin and says, "Take it easy the next few days. Make sure you get enough rest."

Erin nods.

"So she's okay?" Hank asks.

"Yes," Will confirms.

"I told you I was," Erin says.

At that moment Hank's cell phone rings and he looks down at the number flashing on the screen. "Excuse me, I have to take this," he says and steps out into the hallway.

Once the door closes behind Hank, Erin releases a breath she didn't know she was holding. "So?" Erin asks nervously.

Will smiles. "Everything is fine. The ultrasound tech measured you at about 9 weeks."

Erin sinks her head into the pillow and squeezes her eyes shut. A lonely tear escapes and rolls down her cheek. _Oh, God._ The shock hits her like a ton of breaks. "I'm pregnant," she pushes the words out. Her voice has no expression. Numbness pulses through her. She opens her eyes and swallows the lump in her throat. "What am I going to do," she says mostly to herself.

Will remains quiet for a few moments. The silence is brittle, strained. He pulls a chair closer to the bed and takes a seat. "I know this is none of my business, but, is Jay the father?"

The look Erin gives him lets him know the answer is yes.

"You should tell him," Will says. "I know he is not acting like himself right now, but he would want to know."

"He doesn't," Erin grits out the words through clenched teeth. "He made it clear he doesn't want anything to do with me."

Will understands Erin's anger. He's been irked by his brother's recent behavior too. He decides not to push the subject. Perhaps tomorrow, when she had time to digest the news, he would try again.

"We are keeping you overnight just to make sure you won't be fainting again," Will says. He gets up and gently touches her arm. "If you need anything you can ask the nurses to page me. I'll be working the overnight shift."

Erin smiles faintly. "Thanks, Will," she says.

Will steps outside and sees Hank waiting there. The older man's forehead appears to be permanently creased.

"Hey doc," Hank waves him down. "What happened?" Hank asks tilting his head towards Erin's room.

"She fainted in her apartment. She's showing the classic symptoms of exhaustion."

"But she's okay?"

"She's fine. We're being cautious and keeping her overnight, but everything looks good."

Hank is reluctant to believe this is it, but he takes a moment to accept what's Will is telling him.

"Thanks, Doc." Hank says, patting him on the back as he returns to Erin's room. There he finds a different Erin from minutes ago. Her expression is softer, her eyes are glistening. She's laying on her side looking at the beeping monitors.

"Hey kid, are you going to be okay by yourself here?"

Erin nods her head.

"You know you can talk to me, right?"

Erin nods her head again and her eyes fill with unshed tears. "I know," she says.

Hank walks up to her and plants a kiss on her hair. "I have to go back to the district. But I will be back first thing tomorrow"

"Is there an update on the case?"

Hank smiles, "Rest up."

Erin beams him a halfhearted smile. Hank leaves and the tears that have been threatening to escape roll freely down her cheeks. How could she be pregnant? This cannot be happening. Her stomach rumbles, but she doesn't give it too much thought. She looks up and stares up at the dull, fluorescent lights on the ceiling. She doesn't want to think about anything at the moment.

Erin returns to work a week later after Hank forces her to take a medical leave of absence. Spending time alone forces her to face her circumstances head on. Plus, the time away from Jay also did her good. She is surprised, though, that Will hadn't said anything to his brother. She was sure Jay would come knocking at her door. But he never did.

She climbs the stairs to Intelligence and takes a deep breath. She walks to her desk and notices that Jay's desk is clear – of everything. There's nothing there. She takes a few steps towards it and sees that the drawers have been emptied. Her heart picks up the pace and beats fast in her chest. She looks around but it's still early so there's no one in the bullpen. Hank is not in his office either. She climbs down the stairs and sees Trudy behind the front desk.

"Hey," she says.

"Hey, Erin. How are—"

"Where's Jay?" Erin interrupts.

Trudy's face falls. "He quit last week."

"W-What?" Erin feels she's been hit by a moving truck. The air suddenly becomes thin and she has a hard time breathing. "W-Why? Do you know?" She asks.

"No, I don't. Out anyone here I thought you would know."

Erin looks at her with tight lips, her pain evident across her face. "No," she shakes her head.

A horrible feeling pools at the pit of her stomach – like nausea only a hundred times worse because she is sure this feeling isn't going away. Erin closes her eyes and forces herself to take a deep breath. It is a full minute before she can move. She then takes a few steps back and pulls her phone from her pocket. She dials his number and the picture of them together haunts her as the call goes straight voicemail. She tries a couple more time and only gets his voicemail.

Defeated she climbs the steps up to Intelligence and waits impatiently for Hank. A tidal wave of emotion and stress comes over her and sends her reeling into backwash of doubt and anguish .As soon as she hears footsteps climbing the stairs, she stands up. When Hank appears at the top of the steps Erin beelines for him.

"Hey, kid. Glad your—"

"Jay quit?" She asks bluntly.

"Uh-hum," Hank hums and continues walking towards his office. "He surrendered his badge last week."

Hank's indifferent tone doesn't go unnoticed by Erin. She pinches her lips together, holding in a sob. "Did he say why?" She asks.

"He said his back was not getting better." Hank stops at his office's threshold and says, "Have Burgess fill you in on the case," he adds.

"Did Jay say anything else?" Erin insists.

"No," Hank says curtly.

The door closes behind Hank and Erin stands there dumbfounded. She can't breathe; she feels weak. How could he just up and quit? She can't believe it, no actually she can. Nothing should surprise her anymore.

She grabs her coat from the back of her chair and races down to her car. She drives to Chicago Med with a whirlwind of thoughts in her head. All her emotions rise up and hits her like a flood – abrupt, painful, and cold. Tears roll down her face. When she arrives she runs inside the ED looking for Will. Her eyes scan the large open room, past the nurse's station, until she sees a mop of red hair.

"Will," Erin calls. "Will!"

Will turns his head and finds Erin walking up to him.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey, Will," she says catching her breath. She tries to keep her voice even and calm, despite the whirlwind of emotion she feels churning inside her. "Have you seen Jay?"

"No," he shakes his head. "I came home one day and he had packed all his things and left. I thought he had gone back to your place. I figured you had told him about the, um…" he gestures to her stomach.

"No," Erin says. "Hank said he surrendered his badge last week."

"What?" Will asks stunned. "He's no longer in Intelligence?"

"No. Do you have any idea of where he could've gone?" Erin asks.

Will is still trying to wrap his head around the fact that his brother is missing. "N-No, I-I don't know."

They look at each other for answers, but come up empty handed.

"Will, what am I going to do? I can't do this…" Erin says.

Will looks around and a few people begin to taken notice of their conversation. He gently takes Erin's arm and leads her to the doctor's break room.

"Hey, he probably just needed to get out, clear his head you know?" Will says. "He will be back."

Erin looks at Will in disbelief. She feels as if every cell in my body is in a stranglehold. Her blood is racing, her mind is in a whirl of conflicting thoughts and emotions. Her thoughts are scattered all over the place and the only thing she now knows for sure is that Jay was gone.

"He's gone, Will."

* * *

 **Thank you fro reading. Answers are coming on the next chapter. Now, let me go finish it up! Cheers!**


	12. He Should Know

_3 months later…_

It's late in the afternoon and Erin is alone at work. The bullpen is empty and free from the usual hustle and bustle. Everyone is out on a call. The white board behind her is clean, a contrast to the top of her desk, which is littered with files on Gerard Bolton, aka. _Ghost_. She's been receiving files from an unknown sender for the last couple of months containing addresses to stash houses, warehouses, and most important, names of Bolton's business associates. As a result, the team switched their strategy and instead of pursing him all over Chicago, they decided to smoke him out by slowly dismantling his business. This strategy is working – it is taking a little longer, but it insures that he will have no legs to stand on once he is apprehended.

In the midst of all these files, there is another, tucked in the corner. Erin pulls it out and leafs through a few copies of credit card receipts and a grainy picture taken just outside a gas station in Kenosha, Wisconsin. She looks at the calendar and it's been almost three months since anyone has seen or heard from Jay. She's been trying to track him down, but he doesn't want to be found. Will thinks he's in Wisconsin or as far up as Canada. She has driven aimlessly by that same gas station where he was last seen and around the area many times. All his cards are flagged, as is his passport. So far, nothing.

She takes a deep breath and the fluttering inside her belly begins. Not yet full movements, but small, effortless waves rippling across her stomach. She closes her eyes and leans back – taking it all in. At nearly five months pregnant, Erin is learning to relish these seemingly small milestones in her pregnancy. It's the only time when she doesn't feel so lonely. When she knows there something there, something that gives her purpose.

"Hey, kid," Hanks says.

Erin opens her eyes and blinks a few times. She completely spaced out for a minute there.

"Oh, hey, Hank," she says and watches his eyes land on the opened file on her desk. Before Hanks has a chance to nag her she says, "This is nothing," and closes the folder.

"Didn't look like nothing," he says, watching his pseudo-daughter's face fall as she tucks the folder in a drawer.

Erin heaves a deep sigh. "He should know," Erin says, placing her hands on her growing baby bump.

Hank nods. "He _should_ know. But when you find him make sure you unholster your gun."

Erin smiles. "I'm not angry at him," she says.

Hank eyes her suspiciously.

"Not anymore," she clarifies.

Erin is past thinking how this whole situation is unfair. She's past being angry and hurt. Being pregnant has been a real lesson in taking every day as it comes. She doesn't know what's coming next. She has no control over it, and she is just sort of flowing right now.

"I just want him to know. Give him a chance to be in her life. I don't want her to resent me. I don't want to turn into Bunny."

Hank pulls a chair and sits next to her. "What if he doesn't want to be in her life?"

"Then…."

Erin hasn't thought about that. But leave it to Voight to bring it up. In all honestly, she would be devastated. After all, she knows he's a good man. They both made mistakes and Erin feels very guilty for pushing him away. She knew he was hurting, but she didn't listen. She wanted him to be the Jay from before and that was not fair. She is not the Erin from before, and it was silly for her to have those expectations for him. She wants to find him and apologize. She chose to keep this baby, and she would offer him the same courtesy.

"Then what?" Hank repeats.

"I guess it will be just the two of us then," Erin says, sadness lacing her words.

"And me, kid," Hank adds and ruffles the top of her hair. "And me."

Erin smiles.

Hank has been very supportive. He was not shocked or angry when she told him about the baby. He was sad – sad that she was in his office crying, asking him what to do, when this should've been a happy moment in her life.

"So," Hank motions to the rest of the files on her desk. "I see you got another box of files on Bolton, uh?"

"Yeah," Erin smiles. "From the same unknown sender."

Hank smiles. "Be ready to summarize any new finding to the team."

"I will," Erin says.

Hank pats her knee and gets up. He retreats into his office leaving Erin alone with her thoughts. She feels the baby kick. It is a tiny flutter, an odd and extraordinary inner tickle. This whole pregnancy has been an overwhelming unbearable and beautiful thing. Although she will not admit, it was very easy to love this baby immediately and unconditionally because of her love for Jay.

She feels a knot in her throat and a tightness build in her chest. She takes another deep breath.

 _One day at a time._

 _**x**_

"And that should be our next move," Erin informs the team, motioning to the new information neatly organized on the white board.

"Are you sure Starvos is Bolton's henchman? He is a low level pimp down in Riverdale." Kevin says.

"I'm not sure. But so far these leads have panned out," Erin says. "So we should move on Starvos."

The team nods in agreement.

"The point here is to knock Bolton off his pedestal – striking him where it hurts," Hank says. "So be ready. We go first thing tomorrow."

The team scatters back to their desks, but Kim makes a beeline for Erin.

"Hey," Kim says excitedly. "I have everything ready for tonight."

Erin rolls her eye amused. "I'm just putting the crib together," Erin reminds her.

"And I got paint samples for the room," Kim adds.

"It better not be any shade of pink," Erin says.

"Nope, not pink. I promise."

Erin smiles. Kim has been an unexpected friend lately. Always ready to help. Erin could totally put the crib together, but she just wants some company tonight. It's when she's doing these otherwise mundane chores that she misses him, or the idea of him. She doesn't want to have those thoughts circling in her head. But that's how her "new" brain works. In order to drown those thoughts, Erin invited Kim over to help.

**x**

There is a knock on the door and Erin yells, "It's open," from where she is perched on the spare bedroom floor.

She hears the door squeak open and Kim call out, "I brought food!"

Erin pulls herself up and walks out of the bedroom. "I thought we were going to order pizza."

"Well, I had to drop off some stuff at my sister's place, so I stopped by Au Cheval and got us burgers."

"No you didn't!" Erin exclaimes.

Kim lifts up the Au Cheval bag for Erin to see. "I heard you talking about their burgers, so I thought I should try it."

"They have the best burgers in town," Erin says snatching the bag from Kim's hand. The juicy aroma quickly fills her nose.

Kim shrugs her coat off and toes off her shoes. She walks into to the apartment and peeks inside the bedroom. "You started without me."

"No, I didn't. I just organized all the pieces," Erin says from the kitchen.

"You have most of if put together," Kim says.

"Nonsense," Erin insists. "There are lots of little screws to tighten still."

Kim rolls her eyes and watches Erin pitter-patter in the kitchen. She sits on the island just as Erin places a burger in front of her.

"Dig in," Erin says. "I don't have beer, but I have ginger ale."

"I will just have some water," Kim says.

Erin grabs two bottled waters from the fridge and takes a seat next to Kim. They eat mostly in silence, taking mouthful, slowly savoring the food. Once they are done, they clean up and retreat to the spare bedroom. Because Erin has pretty much assembled the crib, Kim offers to tighten the screws and set up the bedding while Erin sits on the floor watching.

"Have you thought about decorations?" Kim asks. "Or a theme?"

"Not really," Erin shrugs. "I thought of keeping it simple. Neutral."

Kim nods. "Well, I brought paint samples," Kim says pulling out a small bag with tin cans from inside her bag. "See if you like any of them."

Erin looks through the bag and pulls out the tin cans. Slowly, she opens each of them, imagining the color covering the walls. One of the colors, catches her eye – electric blue.

"You like that one?" Kim asks, looking over Erin's shoulder.

"No, um, yes…but not for the walls," Erin says. "The color reminded of… you know what? Never mind." Erin dismisses the thought. "Oh look, the crib is done."

"Yeah," Kim nods. "But I think you have the wrong size sheets," Kim says stretching the sheet over the mattress for Erin to see.

"Oh, I think those are for the changing pad. I just washed a few crib sheets. They are in my room."

Kim follows Erin to her bedroom and watches as she rummages through a stack of clean laundry in her closet. Kim can't help herself but eye inside her closet. Erin looks back and sees where Kim's eyes have landed – Jay's side of the closet, still intact.

"I, um, don't know what to do with them," Erin explains.

"Oh, I wasn't… looking, I wasn't trying…" Kim stumbles.

"Look, I know what you must be thinking," Erin begins.

"I'm not thinking anything," Kim quickly interjects.

Erin stands up and plops herself down on the bed. "I've been trying to…let go. But I can't. Not when I'm continuously reminded of him," Erin says gesturing to her belly. "And I don't know what to do." Erin's voice breaks.

Kim takes a seat next to Erin. "I don't know what happened between you two. But I know what I saw." Kim places a stray strand of her hair behind her ear and looks straight at Erin. "You guys loved each other. And I know this kid is a product of that love."

A lonely tear rolls down Erin's cheek. "I've been trying to find him, but I haven't gotten a single lead in months. And I know he is out there. I know he is the one sending me those files on Bolton." Erin takes a deep breath and says, "I want to tell him about her." Erin's hand moves protectively over her stomach. "Somehow I think if he knew she was coming he would…snap out it."

"Jay is hurting, Erin. Only Jay can save Jay."

"No," Erin disagrees. "I think she can save him. She is saving me right now. If he only knew…"

Kim runs a comforting hand over Erin's back. She's never seen Erin this vulnerable. "Jay can't disappear forever, right? He will come up for air at some point."

"I'm so angry at him, you know? But at the same time, if he walked through those doors I would feel…relieved." Erin wipes her eyes and adds, "I don't want her to grow up without a dad, like I did."

Kim nods.

At that moment, their work phones go off. They frown, not expecting any work related calls. Kim is the first to pull her phone out.

"Burgess," she says. "Okay. Yup… okay. Be there in 10."

"What's up?" Erin asks

"Starvos just turned himself in. He wants a deal."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. All comments/criticism are welcome. Cheers!**


	13. We Have to Make it Count

**Thanks for all the feedback.**

 **Here is a recap:** Erin is pregnant. Jay, overcome with guilt, has surrendered his badge and is AWOL. Mike Starvos, a pimp associated with Gerard Bolton (Ghost), the _man_ who kidnapped and tortured Erin and Jay, turned himself in **.**

 **I own nothing.**

* * *

Erin stands behind the two way mirror, listening to Hank and Alvin question Mike Starvos. Word had gotten out that the cops were apprehending everyone affiliated with Gerard Bolton, so instead of running, Starvos decided to give up intel on Bolton in exchange for a deal. Erin paces back and forth and the fluttering in her belly augments her nervous state.

"How does a low level pimp like yourself gets mixed-up with someone like _Ghost_?" Hank asks.

"I provide him with a service," Starvos says slyly.

"What kind of service?" Alvin asks.

The perp narrows his eyes and says, "Escort services. Best in town."

"You have girls turning tricks for Bolton," Hank says bluntly.

"I just provide the entertainment. Whatever they decided to do behind closed doors is not on me."

Hank rolls his eyes. "Where do you usually have girls meet him?"

Starvos looks suspiciously around. "I want full immunity," he says.

There is a short pause before Hank grumbles, "I will talk to the DA."

"I want it in writing," Starvos requests.

Annoyed, Hank releases a puff of air through pursed lips. "Look, we don't want you. We're looking to hook a bigger fish," Hank adds.

Starvos looks vacantly around the room as though he is impatiently waiting for someone. After taking a moment to ponder he says, "Alright, _Ghost_ has a place in Hide Park. I told your boy about it."

"What boy?" Hank asks confused.

"He came poking around a few days ago, that's why I'm here. I told him _Ghost_ throws these parties for his, um, customers and I provide the entertainment."

Outside, the cogs in Erin's head turns, then clicks. The boy. It had to be Jay. She walks to the interrogation room and pulls the door open. The three man turns to her.

"What did he look like?" Erin asks.

"Who? _Ghost_? Older, beard, brown eyes, my height—"

"No," Erin shakes her head. "The _boy_ who came to you."

"Erin, leave," Hank says firmly.

"Wait," she motions with her hand. She pulls out her phone and shows Starvos a picture of Jay, "Is this him?"

Starvos looks at it. "I guess. He was wearing a hat and glasses."

Erin bites her bottom lip. This is the first lead she's had on Jay for a while. He hasn't gone far. Erin feels a glimmer of hope balloon inside of her.

"Erin," Alvin begins, placing his hands on her shoulders. "C'mon. Let's step outside."

Erin shrugs Alvin's hands off her shoulders and places both hands on the table. "When did he come by? Did he drive? Was anyone else with him?" Erin asks desperately.

"Um—" Starvos furrows his brow. "I don't—"

"Erin," Hank says sternly. "Leave. Now."

"C'mon, kid," Alvin says, ushering her outside.

"I Just…" Erin tries to jerk out of Alvin's hold, but is unsuccessful. "Do you remember anything about him?" She asks as Alvin nearly drags her outside.

"Are we talking about _Ghost_?" Starvos asks confused just as Alvin closes the door behind them.

Erin becomes infuriated and begins pacing back and forth in the hallway. "He knows, Al. He knows where Jay is!"

"Maybe," Alvin says. "But finding Bolton is priority."

"You don't understand," Erin insists. Her breathing ragged and uneven. "I need to—"

"I understand," Alvin interjects. He places a gentle hand on her arm, halting her mid stride.

Erin leans against the wall to catch her breath. She closes her eyes for a moment, feeling a weary despair creep over her. But she pushes against the feeling until she can't feel anything, except for a tangible sense of sadness that covers her like a blanket. Her breathing is still rapid, so she slowly tries to calm herself, but it is difficult.

"If I could have a few minutes with Starvos," Erin explains. "Maybe I could get some more information on where Jay might be."

Alvin's stoic appearance slowly starts to soften. "If it was Jay, he didn't make himself known," Alvin reasons. "I doubt Starvos can offer anything else."

Frustration sweeps her body because she is so close, yet still far from finding him. Maybe she should just accept that Jay is not coming back – accept his wish of being left alone. These thoughts swirl in her head and almost convince her, but then, the baby kicks, hard.

"Could you ask him for me? Just if he remembers anything," Erin pleads with Alvin.

Alvin is quiet at first, but nods. Erin steps away, allowing Alvin to return to the interrogation room.

"Thank you, Al," Erin says.

He nods again and quietly returns to his post.

Adrenaline races through her bloodstream like wildfire and if she doesn't douse it with a splash of calm, she will give birth to this baby. Erin takes a few seconds and pulls herself together. She walks back to the two-way mirror. Starvos is still disclosing his recent transaction with Bolton. Erin stands there, anxiously listening.

" _Ghost_ entertains his men every week. Usually his request comes in the day before."

Alvin and Hank exchange glances.

"How does he contact you?" Hank asks.

"He sends one of his errand boys," Starvos says matter-of-factly.

"Do you know any of these boys?" Hank asks.

"Nah. He send a different one every time." Starvos states.

"Okay," Hank nods and stands up.

Alvin doesn't move and remains perched against the wall. "The cop you mentioned before," Alvin begins. "What did he tell you exactly?"

"He said the cops were coming after me and I should turn myself in. He said the same thing to Miranda and you guys popped him a few days later." Starvos says. "Look, I'm no snitch. I run a legitimate business and I don't want to go down for shit by association. That's why I'm here."

Alvin nods. "Is there anything else you remember about him?"

"Nah. He found me in a bar in Bucktown. said what he needed to say and left."

"How'd you know he was a cop?"

"He looked like one," Starvos shrugs

Satisfied with his answer, Alvin stands up and follows Hank outside the interrogation room.

Erin sees him coming and nods appreciatively to him. This is the first bit of information she's had in a while. Although Starvos hadn't offered much, she finds solace in knowing that Jay hasn't gone too far.

**x**

Back in the bullpen, the team strategize and debate their next move. Sending undercover cops as Starvos's escorts is the best plan. But given Bolton's history with undercovers, the team weights other options. They discuss raiding his alleged house in Hide Park or tailing Bolton's errand boy the next time he contacts Starvos. But both plans can send Bolton deeper underground if he catches a whiff of police presence.

"We could just raid one of his parties," Kevin offers. "Catch him by surprise."

"We use Starvos as bait," Erin adds. "We have him id Bolton, then we move in."

"Bolton is smart he won't go down easy," Kim says. "I know we said no undercovers, but we might need someone there. I don't trust Starvos. He flipped on Bolton, and he could easily flip on us. " Kim looks around and says, "I will go undercover."

"No." Erin shakes her head. "Absolutely not."

"You guys have my six." Kim says. "We only have one shot at catching this guy."

"Kim, no," Erin insists. Erin looks around, but everyone is silent. "Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy?"

"You really want to do this?" Hank asks.

"Yes," she nods, hastening to add, "I can do this."

"This is crazy!" Erin exclaims with the kind of exasperation the team has never seen in her before. "You don't know what you're getting yourself into."

"We only have one shot at this," Kim explains. "We have to make it count."

Hank nods. "We'll put a trace on Starvos phone and have an unmarked car tail him if he decided to pull a fast one on us. Then we wait for Bolton to make contact."

Everyone nods in agreement, except for Erin.

"I will not condone this," Erin says. She gathers her jacket from behind her chair and starts to leave. "I will not be part of this."

"Erin, wait!" Kim calls out.

"Let her go," Hank says. "Just… Let her go."

Three days later Bolton contacts Starvos, requesting escorts. The team quickly gathers and readies themselves at the loading dock. Erin shows up, but is still in complete disagreement with the team's decision. Had they forgotten what had happened to her? To Jay? Or the two cops that were killed? Had enough time passed that the scar Bolton left had healed? It is impossible for Erin to forget. Nevertheless, she can't abandon her job, which she has dedicated her life to. Her conscience will not allow her to give precedence to her personal feelings over the lives of her team. She will not be able to live with herself if something happens and she isn't there.

"Erin," Hank says as soon as he sees her. "You can't—"

"Before you say anything," she interrupts him. "I will stay out of sight and I will go in to make an ID only. Jay won't be there to do so. You need me to go," Erin argues.

Hank remains silent.

"Look," she begins. "I don't agree with this plan, but I won't abandon the team. We've got one shot, right?"

Hank nods. "Stay with the beat cars. I don't want you to come out until I say so," Hank orders.

Erin nods.

Minutes later Hanks gathers the teams to go over last minute details. Tensions are high. Everyone knows what's at stake. Hank reminds them to be alert. Bolton is not your average perp. His moves are meticulous and calculated. This is not a man who will go down without a fight.

"Everyone keep their eyes and ears open," Hank reminds them. "We wait for Burgess's signal and we move in."

Everyone nods and scatters off to their cars.

**x**

Tonight, instead of brooding in his room, Jay is brooding in a bar in the outskirts of Chicago. He drowned a couple of drinks, but has since slowed his pace. Now he is nursing his fourth drink. This dimly lit dump is in a part of Chicago tourists never see. It reeks of booze and cheap furniture. Jay likes coming here because it is pretty well packed and he can come and go unnoticed.

Sitting there, nursing his drink, Jay can't think of anything beyond Erin. It has been almost three months since he last saw her – the way she looked at him with naked sorrow drenching her eyes is engraved in his mind forever. The expression on her face was such an echo of the pain he'd caused her, his conscience kicked at him. Distancing himself is his way of ameliorating the situation. All he can do is try to close the doors of his mind. One by one, each door to a bad memory.

A jukebox plays familiar American-style rock music. Jay eyes a guy in the corner, in plain black T-shirt, black cargo pants, and black combat boots. He is another one of Bolton's henchman. Although Jay is no longer part of Intelligence, he will keep his promise to strip Bolton of everything he has. He takes the last sip of his drink and walks towards the man, but he overhears two patrons mention the name _Mike Starvos_ and he stops suddenly in his tracks.

"Mike got them good," one of them says.

"He is trying to move up in the world," the other replies. "CPD won't see it coming. Poor bastards."

The bartender is jabbering away, and across the room the jukebox seems suddenly louder with its discordant clatter.

"What did Starvos do?" Jay interjects.

Both men are taken by surprise.

"Who're you?" One of them asks.

Jay pulls out his gun and places on the table with a hard thud. "Starvos," he repeats. "What's he up to?"

The men look at each other.

"Word is, he set up CPD. I don't know what he planned, but he is leading them into a trap."

Jay's heart sinks. "W-When is it going down?"

"Tonight."

Jay feels sick to the pit of his stomach, but he pulls himself together and quickly holsters his gun. He stands up and his mind begins to question what he is about to do. Deep down he knows he has no real option. He needs to tell the team they are headed for a trap.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! Comments/ideas/criticism are all welcomed. Cheers!**


	14. Are You Alright?

**Thank you for your continued support with his fic. To clarify, Erin is about 5 months pregnant (she was two months along when she found out and it's been about 3 months since Jay left).**

 **Recap:** The team plans to capture Bolton (bad guy who kidnapped Jay and Erin), by raiding one of his parties. The intel came from Starvos, an associate of Bolton who provides him with escort services. However, Jay finds out that Starvos is actually setting a trap for CPD and plans to alert his team.

 **I own nothing.**

* * *

The night is dark and the street lights outside bathe everything in an eerie orange glow. Erin can see the target house a few blocks away from where she is parked. A couple of beat cars are patrolling around the block and two unmarked cars are stationed just in front of her. For a house hosting a party, everything seems awfully quiet. There is no traffic in or out and there are no signs of Starvos's escorts. Erin fidgets anxiously in her seat. Patience is not her dominant virtue, not when she feels so much is at stake.

She picks up her radio. "Have we heard from Burgess?"

Hank's voice comes on the radio. "Approaching 57th and Harper."

She puts the radio down takes a deep breath. The air in the car is dense. Her hand inadvertently travels to her stomach. She feels the baby's flutter's inside her belly. She tries to keep calm. She knows the baby is responding to her nerves. So, Erin stares straight ahead, trying not to dwell on her qualms

Soon enough a van pulls up. Erin picks up her binoculars and watches a few girls, including Kim, exit the car.

"Escorts are here," a voice calls over the radio. "Heading inside."

One by one the girls walk inside the house.

"How's the feed on Burgess?" Erin asks over the radio.

"Sound and video are up and running," Ruzek confirms.

Although everything seems to be going according to plan, Erin can't shake the feeling that they are missing something – something big. She tries to bury the feeling and focus on the job at hand. Erin continues to listen to Hank give orders over the radio as the team prepares to move in.

"As soon as we hear from Burgess, we move in," Hank's voice echoes through the radio.

Time goes by slowly, full of tension. Each minute separated by an eternity. _Stay calm_ , she keeps telling herself, but to no avail. Her hands are sweaty, her heart is pounding in her ears, and her stomach is in knots. Erin keeps her ears glued to the radio, listening carefully for any indication that this might be over. It doesn't take long for Burgess to ID Bolton, commencing a cascade of well-choreographed events.

A few minutes go by and it occurs to her that she hasn't heard a radio call in a while

"Voight, 10- 20?"

Nothing.

Giving the radio a good slam with the heel of her hand, she flickers the power switch off and on and repeats, "Voight, what's your 20?"

No response.

She jiggles the dial, then resets the radio. She turns up the volume, but can only hear white noise.

"Voight, come in," she calls.

Again, no answer.

She steps out of the car and jogs the short distance to the unmarked car in front of her. Her chest tightens. Something is not right. Her heart is beating so hard she can hardly breathe. "Hey," she says signaling them to lower the window. "Are your radios working?"

Both cops check the radio and only static is heard.

"Shit," Erin says under her breath. "Radio communication is down. Go tell the others. Something is up."

Erin pulls out her gun and begins taking cautious steps towards the house. The closer she gets the darker it is. She suddenly notices that the street lights are down. She takes out her flashlight and continues to make her way down the street. Her legs are shaking. It is as if the ligaments in her legs have been severed like the strings of a puppet.

There is something terribly amiss. She checks her radio again and only static screeching resonates, still no response.

She slows her pace, coming up on the house. Her radio is still silent. She sees some movement inside the house. Her fingers tighten around her gun. She surveils the perimeter of the house, but sees nothing. Terror grips her like never before. The baby kicks hard and coils itself inside her belly.

She carefully climbs the front steps, and suddenly, there is a bright flash of light and she throws her hands up to shield her eyes. The strong smell of benzene and kerosene invade her nose. By the time she realizes what's about to happen, it's too late. Without warning there is an immense explosion. A huge ball of flames rushes through the windows, sending countless tiny pieces of glass and wood outwards, throwing Erin's body backwards through the air.

**x**

Jay weaves through the streets of Chicago as fast as he can. He needs to alert his former team that they are about to walk into a trap. However, when he is nearing the house he sees a huge ball of fire rising above the horizon.

"Oh God," he cries. His hands are shaking and cold against the wheel. By the time he turns onto the street it is littered with Police cars and incoming fire trucks.

He stops the car at the end of the street and runs towards the scene. A shockwave of boiling air, like an oven door opening, envelops him. Then the roar of a second explosion erupts. Jay turns in horror and sees a police car catapulting into the air. Then a ball of yellow flame and black smoke erupts from the panels, blowing off the hood and the front and back doors. The car flips over onto its side, landing with a scream of metal, clipping another cruiser.

Jay, shaken, but still alert, recovers quickly and runs towards the burning house. The scene brings him back to his days as a ranger. Smoke billows and stings his eyes and nose.

In the shadows he finds Adam Ruzek, hands on knees, catching his breath.

"Adam!" Jay calls.

Adam turns his head, surprised. "Jay? W-What are you doing here?"

"Is everyone okay?" Jay asks a bit out of breath.

"I don't know." Adam shakes his head, obviously still in complete shock. "There was a blast and we didn't see…" He lets the sentence go unfinished. "The radios stopped working. We lost all communication. We pulled back but…." Adam lowers his head and a sob escaped his lips. "You need to go to med," he tells Jay. "They took her to med."

"Who Adam?" Jay asks, his heart caught in his throat.

"Erin. She's hurt real bad," Adam says, his face weary with grief.

At that moment, Jay's world comes apart. He stumbles back and makes his way to his car.

His heart is pounding, tears rushing to his eyes as he drives frantically to med. He keeps shaking his head saying to himself, s _he's okay. She's going to be okay._ But in his mind, he knows the opposite is most likely true. This is his fault. He sent Starvos to them. This is on him and no one else.

He arrives at Med and his heart is almost bursting out of his chest. He tries to gain his composure as he walks as fast as he can through the parking lot. As he approaches the entrance to the hospital, he feels himself getting emotional, tears are filling his eyes beyond his control, and his legs feel weak. He stops for a moment to pull himself together. He can't shake the overwhelming sense of guilt.

He enters through the emergency doors. He knows the layout of the hospital from top to bottom, from one end to the next. However, today it feels like a foreign country. He stands there, lost.

Maggie sees him from across the entrance and she can't believe her eyes. "Jay?" She says.

Jay makes eye contact with her, but doesn't say anything.

"Are you coming from the fire on Harper?"

Jay nods. He looks pale—slumped down, like he is about to pass out at any moment.

"Are you alright?" She asks.

He forces a faint smile on his face. "I'm fine. I'm—"

"Does your brother know you're here?" She asks.

"No. Um…Where is Erin?" Jay asks. His voice thinner now, weaker. "Is she okay?"

Maggie's face fall. "She's in surgery," she says, and continues to eye him skeptically. Jay is looking around, dazed like. "Are you sure you're okay?" She asks again.

"Y-Yes, I'm not hurt," he assures her. "Is there someone I can talk to that knows what's going on her with Erin?"

She eyes him up and down one more time, then says, "Follow me."

They walk fast, down long hallways, making turns here and there. Pain shoots up and down Jay's back. At some point, Jay stops in his tracks to catch his breath. Maggie notices he stopped walking and asks him if he is okay, but Jay is unable to answer her. There is nowhere to sit down, so she stands there with him until he is able to move again.

"Just give me a minute," Jay finally says.

Maggie nods. "Can I offer you a bit of unsolicited advice?"

Jay nods.

"Talk to your brother."

"I will," he says. "Just not right now."

"Okay," Maggie nods.

They resume walking and arrive at a waiting room moments later.

"A doctor will come out as soon as there's an update," Maggie says.

Jay opens the door the waiting room and every eye turns to him. The whole district seems to have agglomerated there and the room goes quiet as a grave.

"Oh my God, Jay!" Kim exclaims. Her arm is in a cast and a bandage covers most of her forehead. "W-What are you doing here?"

"How's Erin?" He asks.

Kim bites her bottom lip. Her eyes glistens. "I don't—"

Before she can finish, Hank interject. "Why don't we step outside, Jay."

Jay frowns. "What's going on? Is she—" He can't make himself say it. "Did she…" He tries again, but fails.

"Let's step outside, Jay," Hank insists.

"What are you guys not telling me?" Jay asks frantically.

At that moment Will walks into the waiting room, "Maggie just paged me to come—" He stops mid-sentence when he sees his brother. "Jay," he says incredulously.

Jay turns his attention to Will and asks him. "What's going on with Erin?"

Will's lips move wordlessly. The shock of seeing his bother stamped on his face.

When Will doesn't respond, Jay grabs him by his collar and pushes him up against the wall, ignoring the pain pulsating up and down his back. "What happened to Erin?"

"She's in surgery," Will says, jerking out of his brother's hold.

Hank and Kevin grab Jay by the arms and drag him out of the waiting room. They let him go and the tears start to roll down his cheeks. He takes a minute to regain control over his breathing, over parts of him that seem to have a will of their own, mainly his heart.

"Just tell me," Jay says defeated.

"It's not that simple," Will utters, exchanging glances with Hank and Kevin.

Jay looks up confused. "What? Is she not going to make it?"

"She is in critical condition."

Jay nods. "But what are we talking here? Head injury? Burns? Bleeding?"

"Jay," Hank begins. "Erin is pregnant."

The words don't register in Jay's brain. "What?"

"Erin is five months pregnant, Jay." Hank says.

It takes him a moment to register what Hank is telling him. Unable to speak, he merely stands there stunned – the will to move, to talk, or to listen now completely gone. Jay isn't sure how to describe the crumbling feeling that takes place inside of him. The corridor feels too hot – sweat bursts from his pores prickling his skin.

"P-Pregnant?" Jay asks, his voice just above a whisper.

Will nods.

"Oh God," he mumbles through lips that don't feel like his own. Jay closes his eyes and covers his mouth as the tears now run down his cheeks. His lungs deflate as his heart hammers painfully against his rib-cage. He feels like a man sliding down a steep cliff, clutching at shrubs and tangles of branches and coming up empty handed.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Keep the comments/ideas/constructive criticism coming. Your input is gold.**


	15. What Are Their Chances?

**Thank you for the reviews. They really help me guide this fic. Here's the next segment.**

 **Recap:** Jay didn't reach the team in time and they walk into a trap. Erin gets hurt from a blast coming from the house. Jay goes to the hospital and Hank tells him Erin is pregnant.

 **I own nothing.**

* * *

"Pregnant?" Jay asks, leaning against the wall for support, but he struggles to stay on his feet. The air leaves him in an anguish gust and he topples onto the floor, hitting the white tiles with a loud thud. _Five months?_ He doesn't even have to question whether this baby is his. Five months ago they were happy, motivated, and busy planning a future. Now, he doesn't even recognize himself anymore. He is merely a hollow shell of the person he used to be. Overwhelmed with sadness, he sits there with his head hanging on his chest and his eyes closed. He lets out a tear-soaked breath and says, "Why didn't she tell me?"

"She only found out after you left," Will says.

"And she's been wanting to tell you ever since," Hank adds.

Jay looks away heartbroken. Pain and anguish fill his eyes. He has been so selfish and self-centered. Anger boils to the surface of his skin. He wants to throw everything breakable in the world against the white walls of this hospital, yet he can only sit there, completely and utterly, lifeless. There is no tantrum powerful enough to alleviate this ache. No fit of anger can begin to tap into his loss. Tears spill down his cheeks.

Will leans against the wall and slides down until he is sitting next to his brother.

"We are doing everything we can," Will says. "But Erin suffered massive internal bleeding, more extensive than we expected and the trauma caused her to go into preterm labor. We are holding off giving her the medication to stop the labor until we can get the bleeding under control." Will looks at Jay and he is not sure if his brother is understanding what he's saying. Jay looks dazed. "Jay?" Will asks, touching his shoulder.

"Is she …Is it… How…" Jay stumbles with his words. He tries again, but nothing comes out for a few seconds. "W-What are their chances?" Jay asks.

"Erin has a good chance," Will says with a desperate necessity to convince himself and those around him

"And the baby?" Jay asks.

Will falls silent for a moment, then glances across at Hank before saying tentatively, "We are doing everything we can, but if we can't stop the labor—"

"The baby won't make it," Jay cuts in. The feeling of loss explodes as grief tares through him.

Will shakes his head, "No. it won't."

Hank offers Jay a hand and pulls him to his feet. "Let's not think like that," Hank says. "They will pull through."

Jay looks at Hank for the first time. His eyes are bloodshot and his pants and button down shirt are smeared with blood – Erin's blood. Hank is weary and with reason. He already lost one kid. Erin is all he has left. Jay can't tell if his optimism is what is holding him together. Perhaps he is the only person here that can understand Jay's grief.

"Look Hank, I want you to know that I would never have left had I known she was pregnant."

"I know," Hank pats him on his back.

Hank understands why Jay distanced himself. Every cop goes through a rough patch and Jay is not be immune to it, especially after what he went through. Hank could've helped Erin hunt him down, but he knew Jay would come back when he was good and ready. Wrangling him back into her life wouldn't do them any good, especially in her current state.

Hank guides the broken, young man back into the waiting room. There is nothing to do, but sit and wait. Time seems to crawl ever so slowly. It is as if all the wasted minutes of Jay's life have been recycled and he is now forced to endure them over again. The emotionally charged atmosphere, and the variety of concerned faces of the people fidgeting around seems to add to the wait.

**x**

They wait for an hour and a half, which feels more like three, before Dr. Rhodes and Dr. Manning come to speak to them. Everyone rises to their feet. Jay pushes through the crowd, anxious to hear what they have to say.

"How's Erin?" Jay asks.

"We were able to stop the internal hemorrhaging," Rhodes says to everyone's relief. "She suffered a minor concussion and minor burns to her arms and legs. But her outlook is good."

A sigh of relief is collectively heard in the waiting room.

Jay releases a breath he'd been holding and asks. "The baby?"

Dr. Manning steps forward. "We are currently giving her medication to stop the labor. The good news is that the placenta is intact and the baby is not in distress."

Jay simply nods, understanding the solemn undertone that hovers beneath her optimism. "When can we see her?"

Dr. Rhodes tells him that even though they can see her as soon as she is out of the OR, that they should be prepared. He explains that Erin might not look okay, but she is stable. Jay tries to keep that in mind when he is finally able to see her – two hours later. There is a forest of intravenous bags flowing into her veins, a catheter in her neck, her arms and legs are wrapped in bandages, and a breathing tube protrudes from her mouth and is set to a ventilator. Her color is ashen and she lies there perfectly still.

Jay's heart breaks into a million pieces. Her fragility alone tares at him painfully. A tidal wave of emotion comes over him and sends him reeling into a backwash of guilt and anguish. There's so much he wants to say to her, but the words vaporize on his tongue. The knot that he suppressed these past few months has wound a notch tighter.

"We are slowly easing her off the sedatives. She probably won't wake up for another few hours," the nurse says.

Jay nods. He is afraid if he says or moves he will collapse in a puddle of despair.

Looking around the pale hospital room, he notices a monitor he isn't familiar with. He spent a long time in a hospital and had never seen it before.

"What's that monitor," he asks the nurse.

The nurse smiles. "That's the baby monitor."

She walks up to it and turns up the volume. Immediately, the room is filled with the sound of the rapid thump-thump of the baby's heartbeat. His chest tightens and it is hard to breathe. The sound echoes in his mind and he stands there, with tears rolling silently down his cheeks. Seconds goes by, each separated from the next by an eternity and he stands there trapped in the moment.

Hank walks up behind Jay and pats him on back. "Strong heartbeat."

Jay nods, wiping the tears. He is overwhelmed.

"You know," Hank says, stepping close to the bed and laying his hand on top of Erin's. "I bet _she_ will be stubborn like her mother."

" _She_?" Jay asks. Amidst the tears a huge grin spreads in his face and his eyes light up. "It's a girl?"

Hank nods. He fishes for his wallet and pulls out a grainy ultrasound picture from inside "Here," he says offering the piece of paper to Jay.

Jay looks at the perfect silhouette of the baby. He runs his finger over it, tracing the tiny features. A fresh set of tears flows freely down his cheek.

"You know," Hank says, pulling a chair near the bed. "She came to me crying when she found out she was pregnant, asking what to do." Hank smiles and holds Erin's bandaged hand in his own. "She was scared she wasn't going to be a good mom."

"Impossible," Jay says looking from the ultrasound picture to Erin. "She'll be the best mom."

Hank nods in agreement.

Jay finds himself a chair and takes a seat, ignoring the stabbing pain that spreads up and down his back. He sits there in silence, hearing the steady beat of the baby's heart. Each thump is like a punch in the gut. He feels guilty that he could not be there to protect Erin. He feels like it is all his fault that their life are hanging in a balance.

Jay looks down at his feet and shakes his head. "This is on me. I sent Starvos to you."

Hank is silent before he says. "She wasn't supposed to be there. I told her to stay with the beat cars. But we lost all communication. Kim's body cam showed the pipe bombs. We pulled back. But Erin didn't know. By the time we saw her walking up to the house it was too late." Hank runs a hand over his face. "I shouldn't have let her go."

They sit there in silence until Hanks phone rings. He looks down at the name flashing on the screen and says, "Alvin."

Hank answer the phone and Jay tries not to listen to the conversation, but he can't help it. The subject matter draws him in.

"I see… I'm listening…" Hank mutters into the phone. "Uh-huh… Put him in the cage..."

Hank continues to talk on the phone. Jay thinks he obviously wanted him to hear what is being said since he didn't excuse himself from the room. By the end of the conversation, Jay has a pretty good idea about what is about to go down, and honestly, if Starvos is pulled out of the river tomorrow, Jay wouldn't be bothered by it. Heck, he would be more than willing to throw him in.

Hank hangs up the phone and says, "I have to go, but I will be back."

"You have Starvos in custody?" Jay asks.

"You can say that," Hank says and stands.

Jay also stands. "Are you turning him in?"

Hank doesn't say anything, but there is a look on his face Jay knows well. The young man nods, half clenching his eyes and pursing his lips. Hank nods back – a silent understanding between them. Hank then walks up to the bed and plants a kiss on Erin's hair. He mumbles something inaudible to her that Jay can't hear. Moments later he turns on his feet and takes a step towards the door. "Call if anything changes," He tells Jay.

Jay nods.

Hank leaves and for the first time, Jay is alone with Erin. He pulls his chair closer and for the first time he touches Erin's bandaged arm. His hand gently travels down her elbow and circles around her fingers.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you." The muscle of his heart clenches and his throat tightens painfully. "I'm here now and I'm not leaving." He pulls himself up and places a lingering kiss on her forehead. "I love you. Always"

He sits back down and looks outside at the early morning light slowly is beginning to peer through the hospital shades. Sleep finds him and pulls him under. He slumbers dreamlessly, floating in complete darkness. Then he hears it. A ringing growing louder and louder. His eyes peer open to a sea of nurses and doctors entering the room. He floats in a sleep induced fog for a few seconds before he is jolted awake.

"W-What's going on?" He mumbles, running a hand over his face. Someone tugs at his arm.

"Come with me," the nurse tells him.

"What? No!" he says, pulling out of her grasp. "What's happening?"

"Let's give the doctors some room," the nurse insists, grabbing a hold of his arm.

"No," he fights her off and pushes through the wall of medical personnel surrounding Erin's bed.

"Erin," he calls.

Erin's eyes are open, and when Jay sees the look in her eyes he feels a jolt of horror. He sees panic, restrained and controlled, yet unmistakable – pure and utter panic. He knows the feeling, waking up not knowing where you are, with a breathing tube down your throat – he knows.

**x**

Erin opens her eyes. She feels nurses and doctors surrounding her. Their hands are all over her, scrambling to do a variety of things that she can barely understand. She's being poked and stabbed with various devices, with all sorts of instruments attached to her. They describe what they are doing – one explains how much morphine is being administered. Another nurse at the end of the bed is poking her arm, but she can't feel a thing. She wants to be left alone. Her head is spinning, her vision blurred.

Erin has no idea what has happened – what was going on, or what happened to her. The aches and pains are constant, making matters worse. She can't move. She tries speaking out, but she is unable to get any words out. Erin looks down at her motionless body, notices all the monitors taped to her. She looks at her arms and she has two intravenous lines piercing her skin.

She panics.

Then she sees Jay. She is relieved to see him, but it quickly turn into feeling of panic again. She can see his face turn entirely pale as if he'd seen a ghost. But he is calm and talking to her. Calling her name. He has tears in his eyes and Erin doesn't know why. She wants to wrap her arms around him and tell him everything is okay, even though she doesn't know if she is or not. She misses him. How long has she been out? She wants to tell him everything is okay. But she can't. At some point she feels entirely drained of energy. She closes her eyes and feels comfort in the darkness.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Your input is golden! Cheers!**


	16. I Will Not Leave Her

**Hey guys! I'm so bummed PD is not on for another week, blah! I guess I will just keep looking at Jesse's BTS photoshoot pictures until them ;) #CutoffJeans**

 **Here a recap:** Erin got hurt in a blast – a trap set up by Starvos, who works with Bolton, who kidnapped Jay and Erin. Jay came back and just found out Erin is pregnant. Erin is still out. This chapter picks up with Jay coming to terms with everything that's happened in the last 24 hours.

 **I own nothing.**

* * *

It is the early hours of the morning; the streets of Chicago are empty, lacking the rustle and bustle of the morning commute. Jay drives aimlessly, trying to keep calm, but horrible fears continue to build inside of him.

 _What if the baby doesn't make it?_

 _What will happen to Erin?_

 _What will happen to me?_

 _To us?_

The road whips underneath the tires, wet and darkly slick with rain that has begun to fall. He tries to make his mind go blank, but it is impossible. Everything is overshadowed with stress and worry.

Erin continues to float between wake and sleep. She has been momentarily opening her eyes, registering her surroundings, but sliding back into unconsciousness. The doctors say this is to be expected since they are easing her off the medication surge. Jay doesn't think she's fully aware of what's happened. Although they were able to stop the labor, he almost wants her to stay under a while longer— to delay the punch-in-the-gut feeling she will feel when she is made aware of the situation. If the shock of finding out he might lose a child he had just found out about was gut-wrenching, imagine how Erin will feel having been nurturing this tiny being inside her all this time.

There's also another (hidden) reason Jay wants her to stay under a little longer: Erin will not welcome him with open arms. If he knows Erin, which he does, she will wall him off and it's his own fault. He drove a wedge between them, and he will have to accept that they are emotionally apart now.

Maybe that's why he doesn't put up a fight when Hank asks (orders) him _take a break and go clear his head._

So, he drives.

He doesn't know how it happens, but he ends up driving to _her_ place. He sits in the car, looking up the apartment he called home for so many years. He hesitantly steps out of the car and makes his way towards the entrance. He keys inside and walks the three flights of stairs. He reasons he can get her some clothes or a few personal items, mainly her pillows. Having spent so much time at a hospital, anything that can be associated with home is welcomed.

He opens the front door and the familiar scent hits him. A succession of emotions churns through him, knotting painfully inside his chest and tightening his throat so that he can hardly breathe. So many memories flood his mind. This was _their_ home, a place where they shared their hopes and fears and their love for each other. He can barely move his feet inside. He stands there, paralyzed, taking all in.

After a moment, he wills his leg to take a few steps inside. He looks around and not much has changed. However, he immediately sees all sorts of boxes inside the spare bedroom. He pushes the door open and sees a crib, a dresser, and four different paint swatches on the wall. A smile pulls at the corners of his lips.

 _The baby's room_.

As if in a trance, he moves further into the room, trailing his fingers across the crib and feeling his feet sink into the plush rug. The tightness in his chest doesn't let him stay there for too long. It almost feels wrong, like he is stepping in a sacred place. He walks out of the room and treads to the bedroom to do what he set out to do here in the first place.

The nursery was charged with emotion, but the bedroom is a million times worse. With a heavy heart, Jay sits on the bed, placing a hand on the embroidered covers, remembering the last night they had spent together. These memories are raw, his grief now overwhelming. He knows that the past three months he had coped by hiding from the pain rather than confronting it. He shakes off the memories and stands. He looks around the room, picking up a few pillows, opening the dresser for some pajamas, and other personal toiletries.

It is only when he opens the closet that the feels a knife stabbing his heart. His side of the closet: intact. She hasn't moved anything. All these months she kept his clothes, shoes, and other belongings untouched. He doesn't know what it means, but his heart unintentionally fills with hope. He collects all the items he set aside for Erin and drives back to the hospital.

**x**

When Jay returns, he finds Erin's room busy with nurses. Hank is no longer there, but Kim has taken his place. She's standing in the corner watching nervously as they crowd around Erin. Jay drops the bag he is carrying by the door and joins Kim.

"What's going on?" He asks.

"She woke up and her oxygen saturation was good, so they are going to remove her breathing tube. They are also going to ease her off the labor medication…"

Kim continues to fill Jay in on what's going on, but he is no longer listening. His eyes are trying to find Erin in the sea of nurses. He slowly pushes his way through until their eyes finally meet.

Erin is momentarily dazed. She thinks she might be having a drug-induced hallucination. She blinks a few times. Tears brim her eyes. _Is that jay?_ A monitor beeps loudly.

Jay doesn't say anything. He takes her bandaged hand that is lying above the blanket and gives it a slight squeeze. "I'm here," he says quietly.

"Okay, Ms. Lindsay. We're going to remove your breathing tube," the nurse says, pulling her focus away from Jay. She disconnects the tube from the vent and peels back the tape holding it in place. She begins to suction down the tube and Erin gags in response. Every muscle in her body tenses to the point where she is shaking, her eyes watering, her throat burning hot.

"I'm going to deflate the cuff now and then pull the tube out. I need you to cough when I say three, okay?"

Erin watches the nurse with anxious eyes.

"One, Two, Three. Big cough now."

Erin begins coughing and gasping as the nurse tugs gently on the tube until it's all out. She continues to cough, so much so that she throws up. Jay stands behind her holding her hair. The contents of her stomach come up one more time and she heaves into an awaiting basin. The nurse slips an oxygen mask over Erin's face and she sucks in a lungful of air. She keeps taking deep breaths, trying to banish the pain in her chest.

"Thank you…" Erin says. Her voice extra raspy. She wants to say more, but her throat feels rough and swollen.

The nurse nods appreciatively and begins to leave, "A doctor will be in shortly."

Erin grabs hold of her arm, sending pain down her extremities. She looks between Jay and the nurse and chokes out, "The baby?"

The nurse smiles kindly. "Things have stabilized in the last 24 hours," she assures her. "The doctor will be in to talk to you in detail."

Erin nods and her hand moves protectively to her stomach. Her eyes meets Jay's once more and she moves her mouth to speak, but Jay cuts in.

"I know." He says. He moves his hand to rest on top of hers, on top of their baby. He lowers his lips to her forehead, but Erin flinches. Her muscles tense and her eyes glaze over. This doesn't go unnoticed by Jay. He slowly pulls back and untangle their fingers.

Kim senses a mood shift and approaches the bed. "Glad to have you back," she says.

Erin smiles faintly. But the smile makes her look sad. Her head is still spinning and her thoughts are dazed. Seeing Jay caused a flood of suppressed emotions – three months of pain and anguish to descend up upon her, as well as the cooped up anger, which simmers just below the surface, waiting to boil over. She closes her eyes and takes slows breaths.

"Kim, can I have a moment with Erin?" Jay asks.

Kim nods. "Um, okay." She looks to Erin for a reaction, but there is no emotion in her hazel eyes. "I'm going to go get a cup some coffee." She turns on her heels and quickly exits.

A wave of silence washes over the room.

It takes Jay a moment to speak, and when he does, his voice is not his own. "I just need you to hear me out," he begins, swallowing the lump in his throat. "I'm sorry I left. Had I known—"

"You didn't say goodbye." Erin cuts in. She can barely meet his eyes. "All this time I've been trying to find you..." She take time breathing deeply with each sentence. "You just…left."

Jay searches for something to say and decides to go with the apology he owes her. "I'm sorry," he offers. "I thought you didn't want to see me."

Erin can't speak. She looks at him and tears slide down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry for how I acted," he says again. "I'm so sorry."

His eyes fix on hers and for a moment she catches a look on his face she's never seen before: shame.

"I not going anywhere," he assures her. "Whatever you need, I'm here."

Erin shakes her head. "It's not that simple," she says. "Look, I chose to have this baby and I want to give you the same courte—"

"I want to be part of _her_ life…" He places his hand on her arm and says, "More than anything."

The warmth and tenderness of his caress sparks a tingling feeling in the pit of her stomach. She looks down at his hand, resting so casually across her wrist, and pulls back.

"Think about it," she advises him. "This is a big commi—"

"I don't have to think about it," Jay quickly adds. "Erin, I'm not going anywhere."

Erin looks into his deep blue eyes and thinks of her own childhood. She wants to give her daughter everything she didn't have, including a father. However, she doesn't know which is worse, not having a father or having one who consistently breaks your heart.

As if Jay is reading her mind, he says, "I'm not your father. I will not leave her."

"Even if we're not together?"

Her question bulldozes over him. Before he can answer, there is a knock on the door and Dr. Rhodes pokes his head inside. "Hello, Erin. Good to see you awake," he says.

Erin smiles faintly, blinking away the tears from her eyes.

"How are you feeling?" He asks, pulling out his stethoscope and pushing it into his ears. He listens to the whoosh and thump of her lungs and heart.

"I'm a little dizzy and my throat is burning," she says. "H-How's the baby?"

He wraps the stethoscope around his neck and says, "Dr. Manning is coming up with an ultrasound tech to see the baby. But so far, I'd say things look good."

Dr. Rhodes checks a few of the monitors while typing into an iPad. Jay stands back and watches the doctor do a complete work up on her. He excuses himself to grab Erin some water and when he returns, Dr. Manning and the radiographer are there setting up the machine. Jay feels a little out of place, and perches himself in a corner.

The radiographer rolls a hand-held probe across a dollop of gel on Erin's stomach and strange echoey noises begins coming from the ultrasound machine. It is the first time Jay notices the roundness of her belly. Both, Jay and Erin stare at the monitor, trying to see the baby, but they don't understand the shifting black and white images that flashes before them.

 _Where is the baby?_

 _Is it supposed to take this long to get an image on the screen?_

"Is everything alright?" Erin asks, watching the radiographer frown at the monitor with a look of intense concentration on her face.

"Yes," Dr. Manning replies. "We are just looking at your membranes first, making sure there are no ruptures.

Erin smiles. She lies there still as stone, trying to keep calm, but horrible fears are building inside of her. She tries to relax, but it is impossible. Jay sees Erin's internal struggle – stark white face and frightened eyes. Despite the tremulous smile she beamed at Dr. Manning she looks so vulnerable it makes his chest ache. He approaches the bed with the pretext of giving her water, but stays and takes her shaking hand into his. Erin doesn't pull away.

"Here we go," Dr. Manning says and within seconds the baby comes into view.

The radiographer and Dr. Manning assess the baby and conclude that everything is good. The doctor tells her she's still at risk for pre-term labor, but they will keep a close eye.

Erin looks to Jay and he is staring at the baby on the screen with a look of awe on his face. She is used to seeing intense expressions in his face – but this expression of open wonder as he gazes at the image of the baby – _their_ baby—is strangely affecting.

A mixture of emotions stir inside of her. He is still holding her hand and for a moment his grip is strong and warm. Then she feels Jay's arm snake around her shoulders protectively. For a moment she lets herself imagine that they are a normal loving couple, sharing in the experience of seeing their baby for the first time.

If it were only true.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. You input is always welcome. Cheers!**


	17. It's Never Been Enough

**Recap:** Erin's still in the hospital after the Intelligence is set up. Jay return to warn the team but is too late. At the hospital he learns Erin is pregnant. They reunite, but Erin is hesitant to let him in. The story picks up a few days later.

* * *

They say there's a fine line between love and hate. Erin is learning just how fine a line it is. She wants to be mad at Jay, wants to hate him for leaving. She finds relief in feeling angry, in having someone or something to rail against. So she tries to hold on to her anger, but she's finding it difficult because her emotions and hormones are spinning in a fast and reckless pirouette. One moment she feels angry and betrayed. The next she feels love penetrate every viaduct of her mind.

Jay is mostly quiet – wary around her. He doesn't mean to be, but he is. It's been three days since Erin was first admitted and he hasn't left her side – a silent reminder that he meant what he said. He is not going anywhere. However, he is giving her space and letting her dictate the boundaries between them.

*x*

It is late one night and Erin wakes to a dark room, her limbs prickling insistently. She feels as if there is one thousand needles gnawing at her arms and legs. She wriggles against the bed, but the movement does nothing to relive the pain.

From where Jay is sitting, he sees her fidget on the bed. "Everything okay?"

Jay's voice is like a soft caress and she closes her eyes, allowing herself a moment to enjoy the low rumbling sound as it rolls over her. Bu she quickly catches herself and shakes off the feeling.

"I'm fine," she replies automatically. She forces herself to remain still, hoping the incessant prickling will go away. But it doesn't. She shifts position again and lifts her limbs from underneath the bed sheets, letting the chill creep over her skin. Although this provides some relief, the underlying pain doesn't ease.

"You don't seem fine." Jay says concerned. "Are you in pain?"

"It's the burns. They're throbbing."

"Oh." He is quiet for a moment. "Is there anything I can do? I can go get a nurse."

"No, just… hand me the burn cream that's on top of the table."

Jay gets up from his seat and fetches the small container. He hands it to her and for a few seconds he watches her attempt to spread the cream over one of her arms. She is clumsy and her face pinches in pain with every stroke. He can see her eyes beginning to redden and tears beginning to well up in the corners.

"Let me help you," Jay says. His voice is soft and empty of any pressure or insistence. Just a simple, heartfelt request.

The word _okay_ is on the tip of her tongue, but she can't bring herself to say it. The request hangs between them.

"Please," he says.

That one word breaks through her defenses more effectively than any long-winded argument. He sounds so sincere she can't help but nod slowly. He gives her a sweet smile that strikes her square in the heart as he takes the small container from her hands.

"Scoot up a bit," he instructs, moving to stand next to her. He carefully lifts a thin sheet covering her body and gently takes her left arm in his hand, careful not to touch her wounded skin as he examines the burns. It looks like someone set a hot curling iron against her skin and held it there for several seconds. He rolls the sleeves of her hospital gown up, but the chunky material rubs painfully against her wounds. Erin shudders and sucks in a breath trying not to moan.

"Does it hurt?" He asks worriedly.

Erin bites her lips and nods.

"I think it will be better if we take this off," Jay suggests.

Erin nods again, wishing for the throbbing to ease.

One firm tug at the knot in the back and the fabric of her gown glides down her shoulders. Immediately Erin feels self-conscious. Even though Jay has seen every inch of her body –touched it and tasted it, she can't shake the feeling.

Jay notices her apprehension and deep down it hurts him to think that he is no longer privy to that side of her.

"Do you want to hold on to the sheet?" He asks.

"It's okay," she says.

Jay nods and begins to gently rub the burn cream over each arms and legs. The cool feeling of the ointment provides the relief she needs. She sits back and closes her eyes as the pain slowly ebbs. The baby in her belly kicks and her hand instinctively travels to her belly. Jay watches her fingers rub gentle circles on her distended stomach.

"Everything okay?" He asks, rubbing the last of the cream on her thighs.

Erin opens her eyes and a faint smile pulls at her lips. She extends her hand towards his and pulls it to her belly, spreading his fingers out on her stomach. Her skin is soft and smooth to the touch. A slow burn of excitement unfurls inside of him, as unexpected as it is sweet. They stay incredibly still for a few moments. She watches him, her eyes warm and focused on his face until it happens. A kick. Strong. Assertive. A smile grows on his lips, reaching his ears.

"Wow," he says. "S-She kicked.I-I felt it." His voice impossibly tender. Almost instantly he splays both hands on her belly, tapping anxious fingers on her taut skin. This time his gaze never leaves hers as they wait in eager silence. Then, another tiny kick.

"There!" he says.

Jay beams a sweet yet somehow intoxicating smile. "Thank you," he says and slowly retracts his hands from her skin. Erin instantly misses his touch.

The room falls silent as neither one of them know how to navigate around each other. They are not a couple. They are no longer partners. Heck, they are not even friends at this point. The thought lingers unspoken between them, but Jay doesn't want to ruin the closeness they just shared.

"H-How are your arms?" Jay asks, breaking the silence.

"Better," she says pulling her hospital gown on. "Much better." She looks into his tired eyes and adds, "Why don't you get some sleep, or at least something to eat."

"I'm not hungry," he says.

Erin purses her lips and raises one incredulous eyebrow at him.

Jay beams her a smile. "Would you feel better if I went down to the cafeteria and grabbed something to eat?"

"Yes." She nods her head.

"Okay. I'll be back in a few minutes, so why don't you rest a little?"

Erin nods, her eyelids already starting to droop. "Just a little bit," she mumbles.

**x**

Jay meets Will and together they sit at a square table in the far corner of the hospital cafeteria under fluorescent bulbs that floods the tables with a white light. Except for a couple whispering at a table across the room, they are the only ones there. A muffled shout from the kitchen, the clank-clank sounds of dishes, and the swish of the double steel doors opening and closing echoes though the almost empty space. It smells of onions and chicken broth.

Will crumples some saltines into a bowl of soup, the way their mother used to do, while Jay sips on bad hospital coffee. After a moment Will clears his throat and says, "The soup is not that bad. You should have some." When Jay doesn't respond, Will sits his spoon down and asks, "So, how's Erin?"

"Better. The baby is good. I felt it kick," Jay says, the faintest of smiles coming to his lips. "She could be discharged as early as next week."

"How about you? How are you holding up?" He asks as he scoops up a spoonful of soup into his mouth.

Jay slumps forward, gaze vacant. "I don't know." He pauses. "I think I'm still processing everything."

Will sees his brother's pain and hears his grief spill over into his words. He leans back against the metal chair and asks, "You're not thinking of bailing out, are you?"

"No," Jay shakes his head, glaring at Will. "I'm not."

"Good," Will says. "Erin didn't deserve you leaving like that, pregnant or not."

Jay knows his brother is right and he bites his tongue to keep him from trying to justify his actions. In his defense, he distanced himself from Erin to lessen her burden, but unfortunately just the opposite happened.

"Don't do that again," Will says. "You had us all worried."

"I'm sorry," Jay replies. "I'm not going anywhere."

After a long, silent moment, Will says, "So, you're going to be a dad."

Jay sinks in his chair and blows out a sigh. "I know," he says wary. "I'm terrified I'm going to mess this up."

"The kid is not even here yet," Will quips.

"Exactly! And look at how much I've already screwed up. I'm barely holding myself together. How am I supposed to take care of another person?"

"You'll figure it out," Will says. "And it's not like you're doing it alone."

Jay glances down at his coffee, looking more miserable than when he first sat down. "Don't think we are not doing it together either," Jay says somberly.

Will hears the catch in his voice. "What do you mean?"

"I think Erin and I are done. For good this time," Jay adds quietly, sipping on his lukewarm coffee. "I don't think we can move pass this."

"Give her time. She has the right to be mad at you, ya know?" Will spoons the last of his soup. "Heck, I'm mad at you," Will says. There is no mistaking the amusement in his tone, but Jay doesn't find the humor in it. "Look, just be there for her. Prove to her that you're not going anywhere. And if you still want to be with her, you should tell her."

Will offers Jay a smile, but Jay doesn't respond. He studies his brother's pale lips and ashen face. He knows by the way his hands are shaking and how he is arching his back, allowing his shoulders to fall slightly forward, that he is in a great amount of pain.

"How's your back?" Will asks.

Jay answers with a long, hard silence.

"That bad, uh?"

"The steroid shots help," Jay says.

"You know, Dr. Stolt in neurology is doing a phase two study and you might be a good candidate." Will says and stands up. He collects his empty soup bowl and spoon and adds, "I might be able to get you in."

"I don't know." Jay shakes his head, slowly pulling himself up. "Nothing has worked so far."

"What do you have to lose?" Will says and snakes his arm around his brother. "My shift is almost over. Why don't you come over and get some shut eye. You look like hell."

"Nah, I want to stay here. They are doing another ultrasound in the morning."

Will nods. "Okay. If you need a place to crash, you know where the spare key is."

Will pats his brother on the back and walks out of the cafeteria. Jay finishes the last sip of his coffee and follows suit. Gray clouds of grief and guilt rolls in at the memory of the last couple of days. Jay shakes his head to dispel them before they dominate his thoughts. He doesn't have time to indulge, not when he has to stay sharp for the next few days. He can't risk digging a deeper hole than the one's he is in.

With a sigh, he tucks his guilt away and steps into Erin's hospital room. He's happy she's asleep. But it isn't long before the nurse and doctors come to check on her. Once they clear the door, He decides to put everything out on the table. But when he looks at her, so vulnerable and fragile, and takes a step back. And instead occupies himself by walking over to the table beside her bed and picking up her water jug. He gives it an experimental shake and is rewarded with the sound of sloshing. "Want me to get you a refill?"

"No, thanks," Erin says.

"What about more ice? It's all melted now."

"That's okay."

Jay puts the jug down, straightening the box of tissues. "Felling any pain? The burns look less red now."

"It's fine," she says. "Are you done stalling?"

The question makes him pause. "What makes you think I'm stalling?"

"I know you and I'm a detective. I look at people's eyes for a living and I see you trying to delay the inevitable."

Jay sighs and sits down, facing her. The chair is hard and unforgiving on his back, but he ignores the discomfort and focus on Erin's face. For a while he sits there, quiet in his own space.

"I love you," He finally says. His voice barely more than a whisper. "I never stopped."

"Jay, don't." Her words hold no anger, but nonetheless it's a kneejerk reaction, uttered almost before he is finished.

"I just needed you to know."

"Look, I love you too." There is a pause before she adds, "But it's not enough. It's never been enough."

Jay bites his bottom lip, trying to foresee where Erin is going with this.

"We can't keep doing this. Not anymore," she says and her hands travels to her belly. "We have bigger things cooking."

Jay's places his hand on top of Erin's and nods.

"We can do this, right?" She asks.

Jay nods. "Yes. We can."

* * *

Thank you for reading. Comments/criticism/ideas are welcomed. Cheers!


	18. It's Over

**Happy CPD Wednesday!**

 **Recap:** Erin, who fell into a trap and got hurt when a bomb went off, continues to recover (baby also doing okay). Jay, who had disappeared for a while is now back, and hopefully here to stay. Now she and Jay have to figure out what role will they play in each other's life.

* * *

" _Everything in life, including your mistakes can show you how to change your life for the better. Be the best you can be, but at the same time, free yourself from trying to be perfect."_

Erin hasn't watched daytime television in so long that she is tickled by the advice these so-called experts give. Since being discharged a week ago on mandated bedrest, she has little choice but to switch the television on. However, she's beginning to actually absorb their "pearls of wisdom" – as cliché as they seem. The strung words into pretty sentences are beginning to strike a chord with her. Either that or she was going stir crazy in this apartment.

" _Remember that living a wonderful happy life starts from within, it starts with you!"_

She rolls her eyes at that, despite thinking maybe she should take the advice. She has never depended on anyone, but it felt good to have someone. There is comfort in knowing you'll never come back to an empty house. Erin goes back and forth between accepting her fate and wanting to change it. She blames this sudden bout of indecisiveness on the pregnancy.

Jay has kept his promise and hasn't left. Truthfully, she sees more of him than anyone else these days. He comes around with food, movies, baby books, magazines – you name it, he has brought it. However, he keeps a delicate balance, and never overstays his welcome (not that he could). In fact, he keeps his distance (she does too). In her case it has more to do with self-preservation than anything else. There's a wedge between them, and at this point Erin isn't sure how to remove it.

" _Your dreams are within arm's length, you just have to reach for them."_

Erin chuckles and turns the television off. She swings her legs off the bed and pads to the bathroom for the millionth time today. When she returns she hears someone knocking on the door. She frowns. She isn't expecting anyone and Jay isn't coming for another hour.

The knocking continues, gentle, persistent, determined.

"Coming," she says, shuffling down the short hallway.

She throws the front door open and is met with Hank.

"Hey," She says. "What are you do—"

"We got him," he cuts in, beaming a tired smile.

Erin is momentarily confused. "Who?"

"Bolton," Hank says. "We got him and a whole slew of his men."

Erin takes a few steps back, feeling her knees growing weak. Gerard Bolton, a.k.a. Ghost, is in custody. She leans on the wall for support and takes a deep breath. She tries to stop the tears, but it doesn't work. They trickle down her cheeks as she exhales. "I-Is it really him?"

"That's why I'm here," Hank says and places a comforting hand on her cheek. "You feeling okay to come down to the station and pick him out of a line-up?" Hank asks.

"Yeah," she nods. "Does Jay know?"

"He knows," Hank nods and pulls her for a hug and for the first time, Erin feels pure, unadulterated relief.

Still a little disoriented with the overwhelming flood of emotions coursing her veins, Erin pulls away and says, "I-I will just be a minute," she tells Hank.

She pads to the bedroom and sits down on the bed. Her heart is thumping twice its normal rhythm. The images of that night begins creeping back. They haunt her and rob of the relief she felt just mere seconds ago. The menacing eyes. The putrid smell. The timbre of his voice – it all comes rushing back. The memories overtake her, and she reels from the images that play in her mind. But the baby kicks and she is brought back to reality. Erin rubs her belly and forces herself to take slow deep breaths. Eventually, the wild thump in her chest calms and her body ceases to tremble. She pulls herself together, gathers her purse, and meets Hank, who is waiting by the door.

"Ready?" He asks.

"As I will ever be," Erin replies.

As Hank drives them to the district, Erin stares out the window, where the rain seems to be getting heavier. She's anxious and playing with her fingers. Hank is quick to notice.

He clears his throat and says, "If at any point you're not feeling alright you let me know."

Erin nods.

They drive the remainder of the way in silence. When they finally approach the district, Hank pulls quickly into a parking spot and they exits the car. It smells like rain outside, and the wind whips their clothes and hair. They enter the precinct from the back entrance to find the place crowded and the atmosphere heavy. People wave kindly to Erin, but Hank shields her and guides her through the halls until they are standing outside the line-up room. Kevin, Adam, and Antonio stand there. Erin looks around and her heart sinks when she doesn't see Jay.

"You know the drill," Hank says and Erin nods.

Kevin and Adam silently offers her a nod of encouragement.

"I'll go in with you and I just need you to tell me which one is the man attacked you," Antonio says.

"Okay. Let's get this over with." Erin says.

Antonio places a hand on her back and guides her inside the room. Erin's mind races with memories of that night. She tries to capture a snapshot in her mind of the man. But then she is drenched in uncertainty. _What if he is not there? What if she can't be sure?_

"Okay, let's get this show on the road," Antonio says. He bangs twice on the mirror and the light comes on in the small area behind the glass where the men will stand. A side door opens, and the first of the men walks in and turns towards the glass, followed by the second.

"Take you time, Erin."

Erin fixes her eyes on the first one. "No," she shakes her head. The next one isn't him either. The third and fourth come in. Neither look familiar.

She feels Antonio watching her. "Not yet?" he asks.

Erin shakes her head, feeling disappointment. Finally the fifth, then the sixth man comes in and turn to face her. Erin sucks in a breath. "That's him. Number six."

"You sure?" Antonio asks.

"Yes, he's the one." An unexpected rage bursts inside of her, and tears blur her vison. "I remember those eyes."

Antonio picks up a phone and speaks into it. Suddenly, Erin lunges for the window. Knowing the man can't see her, she hits the glass. The men startle.

"You're going to rot in hell!" She shouts.

Antonio grabs Erin and circles his arms around her. "It's okay, Erin. He's not getting away. I'll make sure he never sees the light of day."

Erin can hardly breathe as Antonio leads her outside. When she steps into the hallway her eyes meet Jay's. He immediately pulls her into a hug and locks her in his embrace, his own body trembling against hers as they cling to each other. She can't seem to catch her breath, and Jay is breathing just as heavily. She feels a curious wetness tickle the side of her face and is shocked to realize it is his tears. By the way he is holding her she knows his tears come from everything she is feeling too: relief and joy and an overwhelming sense closure.

There is no anguish or torment streaming through her anymore. She feels love. Jay's arms around her are something she's been craving. She can smell the closeness of him, and she loves his scent through her tears. She can feel his heartbeat, and she feels comforted by it. She lets the remainder tears flow and she feels relief once again. So much pain and hurt and anger had built up within her and is finally being released. And all she can feel is love – all-encompassing love. For a moment, this is all Erin needs.

"It's over," Jay says into her hair. "It's over."

"D-Did you pick him out?" Erin asks, pulling away as she slowly becomes aware of the crowd looking on.

"Yeah. I just couldn't be here while you did," Jay replies.

"We're doing this by the book," Antonio explains. "We don't need his lawyers throwing out this case because of technicalities."

Everyone nods and Hank signals to Alvin and says, "Bring him to the cage."

"Voight," Antonio protests. "We need to do this by the book."

"We're just going to have a chat," Hank says nonchalantly.

Antonio shakes his head. No point in fighting it. "You have fifteen minutes."

Hank nods his head. "Plenty of time."

"I'm coming," Erin says.

"No," Hank shakes his head. "You don't need to be there. I will have Burgess take you home. You need to rest."

"I'm fine," Erin persists. "'I want to be there."

Hank watches Erin stomp her feet on the matter. Hank exchanges looks with Jay and realizes he won't win this one with her. He points at Jay and says, "Keep an eye on her."

Jay nods and they walk together, mostly in silence, to the loading dock. Erin has some idea regarding what's about to happen. Regardless, she wants to look Bolton in the eye and watch him beg for his life, much life she did.

Jay clears his throat and says, "You feel okay?"

"I feel fine," Erin says, knowing Jay is trying to assess her mental state. "I'm fine."

Jay nods. By the time they reach the docks, Bolton is already there, cuffed to the cage. One look at him and Erin fumes with anger. She is so absorbed in her own rage that she forgets Jay is the one who took the brunt of Bolton's actions. She looks up at him and his whole demeanor has changed. His face is pale, his eyes are narrowed and focused, and his whole body is stoic. Jay is seeing red.

"Are _you_ okay?" Erin asks.

Jay shakes his head.

Bolton is looking down until Hank pulls open the cage's door.

"I want my lawyer," Bolton demands.

"He's on his way," Hank says. "But we're going to have a chat first."

"I ain't talkin'. So holler and dance all you want. You got nothin' on me."

Hank stands up and walks over to a corner and picks up a metal pipe. "You remember my detective, right?" Hank says and Bolton eyes move in the direction Hank is pointing. He frowns, then his eyes widen, but he is quick to mask his surprise. Probably didn't expect Jay to be alive. His gaze then falls on Erin, and at that moment Jay, who is barely in control of himself, gently pulls her protectively behind him.

Hank bangs the metal pipe against the ground and the loud clank snaps Bolton's attention back to him. "Is there anything you want to share?"

"I'm gonna say it again, you got nothin' on me," Bolton smiles cunningly.

"What about your full confession?"

Bolton's smiles fade. He looks perplexed. His eyes dart from Hank to Jay. "I don't' know whatchu talking about," Bolton says.

"Do you want to remind him, Jay?" Hank asks.

Jay takes a few steps forward him and grabs the metal pipe from Hank. His eyes darken and his anger simmers beneath the surface. Erin can tell by the way he is walking – his jaw set tight, his eyes burning holes in the air, that he is about to keep the promise he made Bolton all those months back. He's been in control this whole time, but it won't take much for him to rip that scum bag apart.

Jay stops in front of Bolton and looks him up and down. Without uttering a single word, he hits him with the pipe. The sounds strikes a chord with Erin and she is instantly transported back to the warehouse. She closes her eyes as she tries to battle back the images of that night. But once again, the pictures come without an invitation.

"Did you kidnap and tortured my detectives?" Hanks asks.

Bolton is breathing heavily, doubled over in pain.

When he doesn't answer, Hank says, "Alright," and signals for Jay to do his thing. So, he drops the pipe on the ground and uppercuts him square in the stomach. Jay is so blinded by his anger that he is numb to the throbbing pain in his back.

"Did you kidnap, torture, and kill those two vice cops?"

Bolton shakes his head, and this time Hank strikes him.

"You got the wrong guy," Bolton chokes out.

"No," Jay shakes his head. "You did it." Jay pulls him by the collar of his shirt and lands a few hard punches to his jaw. "You took everything from me," Jay says through clenched teeth. "Now I'm going to make sure you never see the light of day again." Jay connects a hard uppercut to his jaw and Bolton spins backward. Then another hard punch to the side of the face. Blood seeps from a split on Bolton's eyebrow.

With unseeing eyes, his body moves independently of his brain with a will of its own. He fists connect repeatedly with Bolton's body, and blow after blow he wobbles on his feet. Even though adrenaline courses his bloodstream, his body is totally spent.

"Not so tough now, uh?" Hank smirks as Bolton body slumps towards the floor.

This goes on for another minutes until Jay feels someone touch his shoulder. The touch is gentle and hard at the same time. Jay breathes heavily, sweat beading his forehead. He turns around and sees Erin, eyes puffy and red, staring at him.

"It's over." She whispers – the same words he had spoken minutes ago. "It's over," she repeats.

Then it's like a dam brakes inside of him, Jay topples to the ground with a heart wrenching sobs, which erupt from deep within him. Erin kneels before him and pulls him to a hug. They stay like that, unaware of Hank as he yanks Bolton out of the cage and disappears with him.

In the meantime, Jay and Erin don't move. The atmosphere is so charged that speaking might further break them. But Olinsky, who's been quietly watching, approaches the couple and helps them to their feet.

"Jay, why don't you take Erin home? We got it from here," Olinsky says, patting the young man on the back.

Jay nods and walks out without protest – there is none left in him. Erin trails close behind. Although emotions are running high, there's a sense of relief. That horrific event can now be put to rest.

Jay looks back and extends his bruised hand to Erin.

At that moment Erin thinks back to the cheesy line from the television show. " _Your dreams are within arm's length, you just have to reach for them."_

So, she takes his hand.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading! Drop your comments/suggestion below. Cheers!**


	19. Let's Just Have Tonight

**Recap:** Bolton (bad guy who kidnapped Jay and Erin), was apprehended and Erin & Jay picked him out of a line-up. Voight tried to make Bolton confess, with a little help from Jay's fists and pent-up anger, but it is unclear if he was successful or not. Story picks up immediately after, as Jay drives Erin back to the apartment.

I own nothing.

RATED [M]

* * *

The drive back to the apartment is short and Erin leans her head against the passenger window. She stares at the passing buildings, the rows of trees, while waiting for Jay to say something – _anything_ – but he keeps quiet. She wants to know what's going on inside his head but she's unable to find her voice. Despite the relief she feels knowing Bolton is behind bars, she still wants to tear herself from this place, from this reality, rise up like a cloud and melt somewhere far away. But here she is, overwhelmed with emotion, head spinning, eyes burning with unshed tears.

There is no other reality tonight.

Once they reach the apartment, she watches Jay slowly makes his way inside. She knows by the way his gait angles a bit more that his back must be killing him. He completely exerted himself, and she's actually surprised he is upright and walking. Maybe the pain barely registers through the heady rush of adrenaline still coursing his veins. Once it runs off the pain in his back will roar back to life, spreading the crippling pain like a sheet of flame. Erin is sure of it.

Jay stops in front of the breakfast nook and places both hands on either side of it. His eyebrows knit together like he is unsure what he is supposed to do next. Erin notices how red and swollen his knuckles are. Jay lets his head hang low and Erin can't help but walk up behind him and circle her arms around his waist as best she can. Her belly presses against his back and the baby kicks hard. She doesn't think he can feel it, but to her surprise he turns around and draws her into his arms.

Suddenly her body grows warmer, and the sensation expands. She finds herself basking in Jay's smell, his touch, his presence. She gasps as the feeling slowly takes over her senses. For a brief moment, their eyes lock, and Erin thinks Jay is going to lean forward and kiss her. She waits in anticipation, but without warning, Jay averts his eyes and pulls back, dropping his hands from around her.

"Maybe you should rest," he says. "It's been a...long day."

She glances up to catch a glimpse of his face. She sees sadness in his eye that tells her his mind drifted back to whatever it is that haunts him. She wishes she could comfort him, like he comforts her.

"I'm fine," she says.

"Are you hungry?" Jay asks. "Let me make you a sandwich."

"I'm not hungry," Erin shakes her head.

Jay leans down towards her, and she feels her pulse quicken in anticipation – only to be disappointed when he plants a kiss on her forehead.

"I'll be back tomorrow morning with breakfast," he says.

Tears fill her eyes. Erin doesn't want him to go. She turns her face away, but Jay gently grabs her chin and lowers his head to kiss her – a gentle, small kiss. It's not enough. Erin lifts on her tiptoes and kisses him with all the warmth in her heart. She holds his face between her hands and continues to kiss him as though he might vanish.

Jay knows what Erin wants, and he wants more than anything to surrender to her, but he can't. This is just pent-up emotions surfacing after an emotionally charged day. It is not real. She will regret it as soon as it is over – he is sure of it. So he stands there stiffly, though he wants to continue to kiss her, stroke his hand down here back and pull her against him, feel her warmth – but no, he can't. He pulls away and it is the hardest thing he's ever done in his life.

Erin looks up at him dejected. "You don't want this?" Her voice wobbles.

Jay can see her frustration rolling off her towards him, double barreling him in the chest. "No, it's not—Of course I want this," he says, holding her gaze with his and refusing to let her look away. "I just—I don't think we should," Jay adds.

The tears build a wall in front of her eyes and she has to blink to clear them. "Do you still love me?" she asks.

Jay's heart screams at him to tell her that of course he still loves her. He loves her more than life itself. He loves her so much that he wants her to be certain about this. There is so much at stake now.

Erin takes Jay's silence as his answer. "I-I'm sorry. If you want to go, just… go," she says, swiping at the tear running down her cheek with the back of her hand.

Jay reaches for her hand but she pulls away, out of his grasp. "I love you," he says. "I love you," he repeats to let her know he means it. "I don't want you to regret this."

"Regret it?" She asks. "Jay–"

"It's been a long day." He cuts in. "We are not in the right state of mind to–" Jay stops. "I'm sorry," he offers. He knows it's not what she wants to hear. It's not what he wants to say.

"Jay," Erin begins. Her voice breaks as she speaks his name and a cascade of tears pour from her eyes. "Please don't go," she chokes out.

Her words puncture a hole in his already broken heart. Uncertainty hangs in the air for a short moment before he is pulling her to him –his resolve crumbling. They kiss again, this time slow and deliberate. Jay gives her long, slow, deep kiss after long, slow, deep kiss, until her breath grows short and her body strains against his. They have both hungered for this kind of intimacy and now that it's in their grasp, they hold tightly to it.

But before this can go any further, Jay pulls back and asks, "You sure?"

Erin nods.

But Jay needs to hear her say it. "Er?"

"I'm sure," she says.

His mouth covers hers, taking, claiming, branding her with a kiss. He pulls away for a second before he begins to rain kisses over her cheeks, her chin, and then into the hollow of her neck. His hands travel from her face, down her arms, and settle on her hips. He is holding her against him and his touch is gentle, almost hesitant and it isn't enough. Erin is desperate for more of him. She wants him everywhere, wants proof that this moment is real and not just a dream she is going to wake up from, frustrated and alone. So Erin urges him on – pressing herself up against him, running her hands over the thick bulge behind his zipper, but he pulls the reins back, slowing the pace.

"Jay—" Erin begins, but he silences her with his mouth. He takes her hand and leads her to the bedroom. He gently eases on the bed and slides his hands around to her back and pulls the zipper of the dress down. Then he pushes the material off her shoulder and it glides down her body. Jay takes a moment to simply look at her – soft skin, full breasts that seem to be straining against a too-small bra, and the round swell of her pregnant belly. Erin and is suddenly overcome with the urge to cover herself, to hide the changes in her body from his too-sharp eyes.

Erin reaches for the blanket, but he catches her hand. "Don't."

He smoothes his hand across her belly, his fingertips tracing a shivery path over her curves. The baby gives a sharp kick against Jay's palm, making him grin.

"You are so beautiful," he says, bending to kiss her belly.

He ditches his clothes and pulls her gently to him, careful not to be rough. He forces himself to take it slow; despite all the nonverbal cues she is giving him. Their lips meet once again and he draws out the kiss. He unhooks her bra and she arches her back and presses her chest into him as he begins to trail kisses lower, and lower still, until his tongue curls over the tip of one breast. Jay grins when she gasps his name. He is in awe at how sensitive she is. She withers below him as his mouth moves against her skin and his thumbs makes one slow circling pass over her nipples.

She has never felt anything like this before. It is like to she stepped inside a bolt of lightning and became light and flames and heat. Everything is throbbing with arousal. She tries to wrap her legs around him, but he uses his body to still her beneath him – holding her deliciously captive.

"I love you," he whispers into her flaming skin.

Her muscles melts like butter beneath the sweet stroke of his hand, from her breast to waist to hips, she opens up for him, for the perfect slide of his hand between her legs. She rocks against his hand and her inner muscles clenches and pulls at his fingers as he thrusts them into her, sometimes fast, sometimes excruciatingly slow.

"Please, Jay." A plea falling from her lips unbidden.

"I got you," he vows.

And then his mouth is back on her breasts oh-too-briefly before he is moving lower, kissing at the skin stretched out over her stomach. Somewhere in her head Erin knows what his end goal is.

"Y-You d-don't have to do _that_ ," she says, even though anticipation is exploding deep in her belly.

Jay moves his hands to her inner thighs, gently pushing them apart. "Let me." He breathes out against her aroused flesh and a shiver takes her over. His head lowers down, then farther still until he is covering her, breaking her apart one slow swipe of his tongue at a time.

She should have been prepared for her climax– known it would send her reeling, should have been able to take it, but she doesn't have a prayer as his stubble rubs over her slick folds. He sucks her aroused flesh between his lips, and as he tugs at the incredibly sensitive ball of nerves, her limbs shake and her heart pounds so hard it nearly jumps through her ribs as she comes for him.

He pulls himself up and runs a hand up and down her spine, the concavity just the opposite of the swell of her belly against him. "You good?" He asks.

"Yes," she says breathlessly and positions herself so that he is at her entrance. But Jay stills for a moment. For fear of crushing the baby, Jay pulls her tightly to him as they lay side by side, and reaches down to pull her thigh up over his hip firmly in his left hand. Erin arches into him and takes him fully, his heat melding with hers until she doesn't know where she ends and he begins.

Jay pushes carefully into her, repeating the motion over and over again, feeling the warmth of her gloving him each time. She arches impatiently into him, meeting his every thrust. He slows down the pace even more and her eyes snap open and look at him, begging for him to continue. Erin doesn't know if he is just being cautious or if he is actually teasing her. He is pulling out nearly all the way and slowly pushing just the tip in and out of her, stretching and prolonging her torment until she is so close, so close, and not able to get over, but so close…

Erin digs her fingers into him, close to screaming, until Jay thrusts all the way in and out. It isn't long before the same intense feeling from moments ago tears into her, unbearably powerful, and she is clenching around him, lost in the sensation. As her orgasm claims her, Jay surrenders to his own climax. It hits him harder than he expected, searing his nerve endings, knocking him off balance.

Afterwards, he gently moves off of her and pulls her down to his chest, wrapping his arms around her, holding her to him. She is so soft and so sweet in his arms. He missed being able to breathe in her scent, soak up her warmth. Their breathing calms as the minutes pass and he relaxes his hold to move his hand up and down her spine.

"You okay?" He asks, kissing the top of her head where it rests in his chest.

"I'm better than okay," Erin says, her brain slowly untangling from the fading ecstasy.

Despite the easy smile on Erin's lips, a tinge of guilt courses Jay's veins. He shouldn't have taken advantage of the situation. Deep down he knew Erin was just looking for a release. He slowly untangles himself from her and sits up. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have—"

"Jay, you didn't force me to do anything I didn't want to do," Erin says. "I know this doesn't magically fix things. I know that." She gently tugs at his arm so he can lie back down. "Let's just have tonight."

He obliges and she's nestles once again in his arms. The orange streetlights glow streaming in through the windows is bright enough for him to see her face, her soft mouth curving up into a satisfied, contented smile.

She closes her eyes and he does too. As soon as he hears the even sounds of her breaths he carefully moves his arm from around her and slips from the bed. Erin makes a sound of protest, a small frown appearing between her eyebrows, and he thinks for a moment she might wake up and catch him leaving. If she calls him back to bed, he won't be able to hesitate to go back to her, to take her again, to repeat what he can't deny is the best moments of his life – the rare moment of peace he feels when he is holding her in his arms.

Jay places her pillows all around her and she settles, wrapping her arm around one and pulling it close. His chest is so tight he can barely breathe as he quietly pulls his clothes on.

It is time to leave.

With infinite gentleness, he runs his hand over her hair, then down to her face. Erin nuzzle her cheek into his palm even as she sleeps, and he has to close his eyes on a sharp pang in the center of his chest that feels like it is tearing him wide open. He doesn't want to leave, but knows it is the right thing to do. He will come back in the morning when the dust has settled.

*x*

Jay leaves and it's not until much later that he sees the three missed calls and the text messages from Voight informing about the explosion at the district and that Bolton is in the wind.

 _Stay with Erin. –_ reads the last text.

* * *

Thank you for reading! I'm always open to your comments/ideas/input. Cheers!


	20. Stay Down

**Hello! Happy CPD Wednesday (Finally!)**

 **Recap** : Jay takes Erin home and they 'make love' for the first time in a while. Jay, however, feels guilty for taking advantage of the situation; despite Erin telling him the opposite. When she falls asleep, guilt consumes him and he quietly leaves – only to receive a message from Voight telling him that the district was bombed and Bolton (bad guy) was in the wind.

 **Still own nothing.**

* * *

Erin wakes up alone in her bed at first light, still able to feel the imprint of Jay's hands and his mouth on her skin. She listens for the shower running, but the apartment is suspiciously quiet. For a moment she can't let herself believe that Jay is not there. She tells herself he'd gone out to get coffee, since there's none in the apartment. He can't have left like that. Last night meant something, she is sure of it.

Erin's thoughts stutter, and then stops entirely when she realizes the television is on. She wraps the thin bed sheet around her and pads to the living room. She feels relief wash over her in a cool wave of adrenaline when she sees Jay slumped on the couch, torqued into his usual sleeping position. She can't explain the intense flush of feeling that overcomes her- making her eyes water.

Jay is pulled from his slumber and a vague awareness of his surroundings begins to penetrate the deep fog of his consciousness. He quickly sits up and surveys the room, finding Erin standing by the bedroom door. Jay blinks a few times and notices Erin wiping at her eyes with the sheets she's wrapped in. "Erin?" He pads over to her and asks, tipping her chin up with his index finger. "Everything okay?"

Erin nods and a smile breaks amidst the tears. "Nothing. It's stupid… I, uh…thought you had left." Erin chuckles nervously. "Hormones," she reasons with a slight shrug.

Her words are like a spear to his heart. Everything that followed after he read Voight's message – the drive back, running up the stairs, keying inside the apartment – have a dreamlike quality in his memories. However, the relief that washed over him when he pulled the bedroom door open and she was there is still vivid in his mind.

"I'm here," he says running his hands up and down her arms. Erin leans into his touch and he pulls her for a hug. "Why don't you go take a warm shower, uh?" Jay suggests.

Erin nods and Jay, masking the turmoil on his face, plants a kiss on her lips – a simple, gentle kiss.

She pads to the bathroom, and once Jay hears the water running he fishes his cell phone from his pocket and calls Hank.

He picks up on the first ring."Voight."

"It's me," Jay says.

"How's Erin?" Hank asks.

"She just woke up—"

"Did you tell her yet?" Hank cuts in.

"No," Jay shakes his head. "I will."

There is a pause where the line is silent, but Jay can hear the commotion going on Hank's end.

"I want both of you at headquarters. The escort is on its way."

"Okay."

"The beat car still outside?" Hank asks.

Jay walks towards the window and pulls the dappled drapes down with his index finger. "Yes," Jay answers.

"Good." Voight hums his approval and says, "I'll see you soon."

Jay hangs up and a half a hour later Erin walks back into the living room, towel drying her hair. "Hey, there's a beat car outside," she notes.

Jay nods, and Erin is quick to see his face crestfallen. "What's going on?" She asks.

Jay smiles, but it doesn't reach his ears. He takes her hand and pulls her to the couch. "C'mere," he says and Erin sits cautiously next to him.

"What's going on? You're scaring me."

"Um," Jay begins. "A package was delivered last night to the precinct and it was a pipe bomb. Same one Starvos used at the house."

"Oh my God! Did it go off? Is anyone hurt?" Erin asks exasperatedly.

"Two beat cops didn't make it. Others are at Chicago Med."

"W-We have to go," Erin stands hastily. "We have to find who did—"

"There's one more thing," Jay interjects. "Bolton is in the wind."

The words leave his lips and it hits her like an eighteen wheeler without breaks, leaving her dazed in its wake. "No, no, no…" she shakes her head. "Can't be… He can't…"

"They want us in protective custody," Jay says. "Bolton knows our testimonies will put him in Jail for a long time." His hand falls to her protruding belly. "He doesn't play games."

Maybe it's because Erin is still in shock, but she doesn't fight him on it. Maybe there's no fight left in her, no feeling. She reaches up to wipe away her tears. There is none. There are no more tears to shed. Erin is completely drained. She nods and the look in Jay's eyes tells her it's time to go.

*x*

The Chicago streets are swarmed with its customary crowds as the police escort drives them to the headquarters. It's only been a brief five minutes since they left the apartment and there are only about ten minutes left before they arrive. There are two beat cars ahead of them and an unmarked squad behind them. Jay sits next to Erin, a hand intertwined with hers, another clutching his piece in his holster. His guard is up and he's not planning on letting it down anytime soon.

It is when they reach the narrowest section of the street that it happens. One minute the little street is quiet and virtually deserted the next, a group of men appears, making their intentions known as a hail of bullets come from the weapons they carry. The bullets fly everywhere, one hitting the car's windshield, another smashing into the engine, which erupts in an explosion of steam, others pinging as they ricochet wildly off the sides of the other cars.

They come at them fast, and their attack is well planned and well-rehearsed. Jay pushes Erin down and opens his side door. "Stay down," he says and locks it behind him.

Erin's heart is beating so fast in her chest it might break through her ribcage. Her knuckles whiten as she grips the door handle and her shoulders tenses as she feels her adrenaline rising. Erin feels helpless hearing the beat officers bark orders, pumping round after round at what seems like an army of assailants. She reaches for her phone as shards of glass showers over her. "This Lincoln 5021, shots fired at the police! Intersection of Ashland and Clark! We're being ambushed! Calling for immediate back up!"

Jay hears Erin and dares to move as the men tighten the perimeter around them – he won't let them near her. He can hear the unrelenting explosion of the bullets even before he rounds the corner. The officer in charge of the escort is hit first, falling in a pool of blood on the ground.

"Officer down! Call for an Ambo," Jay yells.

The officers empty their guns at the assailants, but the bullets don't stop coming. Jay has a sinking feeling they are trapped and the cavalry won't reach them in time. Regardless, there are two lives inside the car that is his job to protect. Jay sees a gang of men coming to the rear of the car and their shouts and curses fill the air as they get nearer. They reach Erin's side, but struggle with the door. They attempt to lever it but the lock holds. Then they try shooting it off, but still the lock remains secure while the gun battle continues to the rage.

"Jay!" Erin yells.

Without thinking, Jay stands in full view and aims right at the perps head. One shot. The man falls, but a bullet also comes smashing into his shoulder. Then another bullet slams into his arm. Despite his injuries, from which he is bleeding profusely, Jay continues to shoot at the men trying to break through to Erin. As the shooting continues, more bullets criss-cross the narrow street. A beat officer is able to get the car started again and it roars to life.

"Get out of here," one officer tells him. "We'll cover you."

Jay nods and jumps into the car. "Hold on," he tells Erin.

Jay presses on the gas, and it collides with a car blocking the street. The commotion calls attention to him and a hail of bullets smash through the windshield, cracking the cured glass. Siren's can be heard in the distance and suddenly the attackers begin to recognize their bid is hopeless. There seems to be an imperceptible nod of acknowledgement between them and, as suddenly as they appeared, all of them make off, some running towards the main street, others getting away in cars.

When the bullets stop coming, Jay jumps to the back seat and pulls Erin up to him - the adrenaline coursing his veins.

"I'm okay," Erin says and when she lifts her head, she notices the blood dripping from his arm. "Oh my God! Jay! Are you hit?"

Jay looks at the dripping blood from his fingers and takes a deep breath to relive the sudden tightening in his chest. He mumbles incoherently as his face turns pale. His eyes turn inward and roll over, revealing his empty white eyeballs. The color completely leaves his face and he collapses on the seat next to Erin.

*x*

"Erin, I'm okay." Jay says as Will stitches up the holes on his arm. "Can you please sit down," he asks her.

Erin paces restlessly. "H-His eyes rolled back and h-he passed out," Erin tells Will. "And there was a lot of blood." Erin gestures to the large red splotches on her shirt.

"The bullet nicked a vein under the skin. That's why there was a lot of blood," Will Explains.

"Erin," Jay says gently, reaching to grab her arm. But Will holds him in place.

"Whoa, Jay. Do you want more holes in your arm than what you've got?" Will asks, holding the stitching needle just above his wound.

Jay rolls his eyes and reaches for Erin again. "Erin, can you please sit down."

Erin stops and looks at Jay. She notes that his color has improved some since they came in. Jay taps the empty space next to him on the bed and he helps her climb next to him. He snakes his good arm around her and plants a kiss on her hair. He can feel her tenseness of her muscles underneath his fingers.

Erin watches Will injects lidocaine into the around the gash on Jay's arm, cleaning the blood away with betadine. The bullet that hit his shoulder was a through and through, but the one that hit his forearm deeply grazed it, but didn't penetrate.

The cleaning causes the blood to flow freely from the wound again and Jay catches Erin stealing glances at him.

"I'm okay," he reassures her. His voice soft and calm.

After a few silent moments Will cuts the thread of the last stitch. "All set. Shouldn't leave too bad a scar," he says and tapes gauze in place.

"Thanks, man," Jay says.

"Yeah, just take it slow. You lost some blood – and you were out a while, that's what's making you woozy," Will explains. "I'll sign your release paperwork and we should be about done here."

"It doesn't feel too bad," Jay adds as he flexes his arm.

"Just wait till the feeling comes back," Will grins at him. "It will probably hurt some. I'll prescribe you a pain killer."

"Thanks, Will," Erin says.

After Will leaves Jay motions to the swell underneath Erin's shirt and asks. "How are you?"

"I'm good," Erin assures him, running a gentle hand over her belly. " _We_ are good. Better now that I know you're okay."

Jay gives her an easy smile. "Now will you let Dr. Manning examine you?"

*x*

After a clean bill of health from Dr. Manning, Erin and Jay are escorted to a temporary haven in the outskirts of Chicago. Hank comes by to check on them, but leaves – Jay knows he won't rest until Bolton is apprehended, or six-feet under. When the sun begins to set in the horizon, Jay and Erin sit by the window looking out at color display in the sky. There's so much they need to say to each to each other – so much that needs to be discussed, yet they find themselves in a place where there is no need for words. Erin thinks back to a few weeks ago and it occurs to her that there were always lots of words, and never silence. So they hold each other close, silently vowing to never take any moment together for granted.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. I know this story took yet another turn, but it will be soon wrapped in a pretty little bow. Idea/Comments/Criticism is always welcomes. Cheers**


	21. Put the Gun Down

**Recap:** Bolton (aka bad, bad guy), escaped from custody and while Jay and Erin were on their way to protective custody their escort car was gunned down. Jay was only mildly hurt. But know they are waiting in a cottage in the outskirts of town until Bolton is caught.

 **I own nothing.**

* * *

A sudden chill in the night wakes Erin from her sleep. She opens her eyes and notices her head isn't on Jay's shoulder anymore, and she can't feel him next to her. She rolls over, but he isn't there. Then she looks over the edge of the bed and he isn't there either. A sense of déjà vu fills her and panic quickly follows. After what happened yesterday, Jay will never leave her alone, unless he doesn't have a choice. Then she hears something coming from the bathroom and there is a dim flicker of light coming from under the door. She knows it's silly, but she can't help the uneasy feeling as she makes her way over to the door.

"Jay, are you all right?" She asks as her heart beats a tad faster in her chest. When Jay doesn't answer, she slowly pushes the door open. "Jay?" She takes a quick peek inside and almost falls backwards in shock. Jay is lying on a bloody puddle on the floor and the masked man – Bolton – is there, steel pipe in hand, ready to swing at her.

She screams and turns to leave, but he grabs her and doesn't let go. The adrenaline kicks in and she fights back with all her might, pushing him off. It's a tornado of arms and legs flying. She slaps and kicks him. She's not sure how much longer she can fight him off.

"Erin, babe, it's me! Wake up!" Jay says as he tries to wake her while simultaneously dodging her fists.

Erin continues to struggle in her sleep until her eyes snap open. It takes a moment, but her eyes adjust to the early morning light and she sees Jay sitting up on his elbow with a worried look on his face while holding her wrists in his hands.

"You okay?" Jay asks.

"Bolton. H-He was here and you…" Erin can't bring herself to finish the sentence. Tears start filling her eyes.

Jay lets go of her wrists. "You're okay. I'm okay. It was just a nightmare," he says and pulls her close and tries to calm her down by slowly running his hand up a down her back.

"I-It felt like he was h-here," Erin mumbles into his chest. "It brought me back to that warehouse. It seemed so real."

"I know and I have the bruises to prove it," Jay says, trying to cheer her up. "You have a mean right hook."

Erin smiles a little and her eyes notice the red tinge seeping though the bandage on his shoulder. "I think I really hurt you," she says, nodding towards his shoulders.

Jay looks down at the dressing on his wound, but shrugs dismissively. "It's all good." He brushes her hair away from her face before wiping the few tears that rolled down her cheek. "You should try to go back to sleep. It's still early, so we don't have to be up for a while."

Erin snuggles up close to him and takes a deep breath, calming herself down. "I don't think _we_ can go back to sleep." She wants to, but with the baby now tossing and turning and the looming fear of Bolton's face popping into her dreams again, she decides against it. "What time is it anyway?"

"Well," he looks to the digital clock on the nightstand. "It's five fifteen. You have maybe another couple of hours before someone comes knocking on the door."

"I think I'm going to use the restroom and then going downstairs," she says before crawling out of bed. "I'm hungry."

Jay smiles, watching Erin waddle towards the bathroom.

*x*

Jay pads downstairs, following the promising smell of coffee and the strong, smokey aroma of cooking bacon. He leans against the threshold to the kitchen and watches Erin at the stove, cracking eggs into a bowl. She is humming, happily. Maybe being isolated in this cottage for the time being is not the worst thing. If he looks past the unmarked cars outside and the looming fear of Bolton finding them, this is a dream. There's no rustle and bustle, everything is quiet, as if someone smothered this little town with a blanket and turned everything into a cozy nest.

Jay walks behind her and pushes her hair away, planting a kiss of her neck. "Smells good," Jay says. "Can I help?"

"I got it covered," she says.

He continues to nip at the soft skin on her neck and she hums softly in response. His heart leaps. He needs to hear that again. He gently turns her around and his fingers slips behind her head while his thumb sweeps along the line of her jaw. Their lips meet in a gentle, heart-searching kiss. Though, this is not a teasing timid kiss. Nor is it pushing. It is Jay. Strong. Confident. In other words, breathtaking. A rush spreads through her as the world tips beneath her feet.

Their lips part slowly; peeling off, as a small sigh escape their lips. "Good morning," he breathes out.

"Morning," she says sweetly.

He cups her belly with both hands and bends down to kiss her there. "Grow big and strong," he whispers. There's so much love in his eyes. So much wonder, too.

"But not too big. Not until after you come out," she adds with a grin. She tugs Jay back up and plants a gentle peck on his lips.

Jay smiles. "I love you." The words leave his lips and fill the air. Erin stiffens slightly, but her eyes are soft and shining. "I love you," he repeats, touching her cheek.

"Jay—"

"You don't have to say anything," he tells her. Resting his cheek on her hair for a moment, he sighs, wrapping her gently into his arms again. She lays her head against his chest and her warmth and softness is the closest thing to heaven, Jay thinks. "I know you said it's not enough. But I'm going to tell you every day."

"I love you too," she says, caressing his face. Her eyes, deep green pools, brimming with a love she never dared hope to find. "I hope it's enough," she adds.

Jay let's go of her and she turns back to the stove. He pours himself a cup of coffee and takes a sip. It is so strong it almost makes his hairs stand up. But it feels good, warming his insides as it goes down. They eat in a comfortable silence, listening to the wind chimes burst into a delicate melody nearby. Despite the circumstances, this has been the most peaceful either of them have ever been.

The silence is soon broken when someone knocks on the door. Jay glances at the clock on the kitchen wall. Seven a.m. Too early for anyone to be knocking on the door. Jay debates getting up and looking out the window, but he decides to go for the door. He opens it a crack and sees one of the officers standing there.

"Detective Halstead," he says.

Jay winces at the use of the title _detective._ "Call me Jay."

"Jay," His gaze shifts to his periphery than back. "We are, uh, changing shifts and Officer Kane and Officer…" He looks away again, trying to remember. "Murray. Officer Murray will be on the lookout if you need anything."

"Thanks…" Jay nods, but senses that something is off. This officer is clearly trying way too hard to hide his uneasiness. If there is an edge to him, it is an edge of unwise despair. Jay looks him up and down – possibly a former soldier, standing there erect, with his shoulders held back, his head high. "You served?" Jay asks.

Jay watches him fidget before he says, "Second battalion. Eighth infantry regiment."

Jay nods, eyes scanning the perimeter of the house. "Nice weather, uh?"

The officer tilts his head to the side and narrows his eyes. He begins fidgeting again with his hands – one hand rubbing the back of another. "You should expect _rain_ , sir."

At that moment, his suspicion is confirmed. Jay's heart begins to beat faster. A dread that he can't give name to immediately takes hold of him. "Do you know when?"

"Soon," he says and begins to leave.

"Do we have time to get ahead of it?" Jay asks.

The officer turns and shakes his head, staring off in the direction of the dirt road. "No."

The officer leaves and Jay locks the door behind him. Erin is quick to see the look of worry on his face. His mouth moves, muttering inaudible words.

"Jay? Who was that?"

"Where's the phone?"Jay says, carefully lowering all the blinds.

"Upstairs," Erin says, her brow now permanently in a frown. "What's going on?"

"Go upstairs and call for back up," Jay instructs.

"W-Why? Is h-he here? Did Bolton find us?" Erin asks, her hand lowering to cradle her belly.

"I don't know, but something is not right." Jay watches the fear paralyze her. Jay takes a few steps towards her and cups her cheek in his hand. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

Erin nods, her head in a foggy daze as she pads up the stairs. She tries the phone, but the call can't be connected, and there is no land line on this cottage. Suddenly, it dawns on her that they are trapped. She hurries down the steps and see Jay sneaking a quick look out the window.

When he hears her footsteps he turns to her. "D'you call?"

"No service," she says. She releases a tear soaked breath. "He won't stop until he kills us."

"That's not going to happen," Jay says and pulls a gun from behind him. "Here," he hands it to her. "Go upstairs and stay there. Lock yourself in the bedroom. Barricade the door. Don't let anyone in."

"What about you?"

"I will hold them off…"He lets the sentence go unfinished as the unspoken meaning lingers between them. "Voight will know something's up when he can't get a hold of us."

At that moment, he hears footsteps approaching the front porch. His gut sinks as part of his brain comprehends/accepts what's happening. "Go," he whispers to Erin. He carefully peeks out the curtain and sees two men in full cop attire, except are anything but. Jay thinks he can hold them off, and even if they get to him, it will hopefully give Voight enough time to get there.

The knock comes seconds after. "This is Officer Kane and Murray," one of them says. "Just checking in."

When there's no response, the officers try to forcibly turn the knob, but are successful. After a few short, silent moments one of the officers says, " _Detective_ Halstead, don't make this harder than it is."

He hears more steps coming up the porch and surrounding the cottage. "If I remember correctly," a new voice utters, "You like making deals. How about I make you a deal. You come out and I will let the girl walk."

Jay is hyperaware of his surroundings. He keeps his gun cocked, finger on the trigger. He hears noises coming from upstairs and his heart hurdles into his throat. _Erin._ He begins ascending up the stairs, two steps at a time, then everything goes black.

*x*

A splitting pain.

Jay wants to push it away. His heart thrusts with a force and it beats on, not letting him embrace the darkness, not letting him get trapped between the layers of consciousness. Something digs into his flesh. A gun goes off. A deep rumble echoes, shaking the ground, shaking him. Adrenaline flares.

Then a sound shakes him to his core – Erin.

Jay pries his eyelids open, glimpsing a silhouette through his lashes. He sees Bolton holding Erin's hair, pulling her head back, keeping the edge of the blade against her throat. Jay can already see a thin red line on along her neck. The bastard had already marked her.

"Jay…I-I'm o-okay," Erin says as if reading his mind. She tries to slow her breathing and stay calm. She'd been through violent situations before; she knows better.

Jay tries to move to her but the two men in police uniforms are holding him down. He can feel his holster is empty. He surveys the scene and only sees the three men, the two holding him down and Bolton, currently holding a knife to Erin. The cogs in his head begin turning.

Bolton's moves the knife to her stomach and says, "This is a nice surprise. You two got busy."

Dread weaves in as Jay realizes what Bolton is doing. "What do you want?" Jay asks.

"From you? Nothing. But I will take pleasure in watching you lose everything." Bolton tightens his hold on Erin's neck a bit more, and Jay fears he will be drawing blood.

Then a fist crashes into the bones around his eyes. A foot wedges under his shoulder and kicks him down to the floor. Warm liquid oozes from his face. But in an instant it's like everything stops –Jay's thoughts, his heartbeat – even the prickling pain in his back. Then it's like everything happens in slow motion. Jay breaks out of their hold and pulls a gun from his ankle. He shoots both officers and immediately points a gun at Bolton.

"Let her go," Jay says, finger ready at the trigger.

"Put the gun down," Bolton says, his voice seeping with menace. "Or the next thing that happens is I slice her in half." He lets it hang before going on, "And you get to watch her slowly bleed out."

He looks to Erin, her eyes are pleading with him. _Do it. Shoot him._

"I'm only going to say this one more time. Let. Her. Go." Jay says.

Bolton laughs sarcastically, glaring at Jay. "Do you know long it takes for someone to bleed out from their femoral artery?"

Before Jay can process Bolton's thinly veiled innuendo, he slices the tip of the knife through Erin's thigh, leaving a trail of red in its wake. A fraction of a second later, Jay pulls the trigger and the blast rockets the small cottage and rips through Bolton's skull.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Leave your comments/ideas/criticism. Cheers!**


	22. I Want You to Have It

**Recap** : Jay and Erin had gone into protective custody, but Bolton (bad guy) found them and after an altercation, he had slid his knife across Erin's thigh before Jay shot him. Story picks up a little after it.

* * *

Jay sits on the top step of the staircase staring at the red on his hands. Despite the commotion around him –police officers, crime scene investigators, paramedics – everything seems to shrink away, and only red occupies his mind. He can still feel Erin's blood spilling through his fingers as he pressed against the laceration on her thigh. She kept saying she was fine, but her voice lacked its usual strength and her face had lost much of its color. Despite her words to the contrary, the wound on Erin's leg bled profusely. Jay tried to stop the bleeding by wrapping a belt around her thigh. He had slipped the end through the buckle and pulled until it dented her skin. The bleeding slowed, but her hazel still eyes faded and her skin turned completely gray.

The whole world began moving in slow motion, each passing moment excruciatingly prolonged and intense. Jay was so focused on Erin that he didn't even hear the approaching sirens. The paramedics went about their job rather quickly and Erin was rushed to the hospital. They kept him back for questioning., but it's been at least an hour since they finished cross-examining him and his muscles are starting to cramp from being tensed for so long. He shakes off the feeling and wipes the blood off his hands using his shirt. He thinks about his mother's ring. He thinks about how perfect it would fit on Erin's finger. Then his eyes then catch the blood splatters fanning over the wall leading to a puddle of blood at the bottom of the stairs. His heart tightens.

Maybe he missed his chance.

"Detective Halstead?"

An officer hollers from the bottom of the stairs - the word _detective_ ringing noisily in Jay's ears.

"Yes?" He pulls himself up and descends the stairs in quick, hurried steps.

"We are all set for now," the officer intones. "Just keep a phone on you, in case we have any more questions."

"Any word on Eri-detective Lindsay?"

"Not yet," the officer says. Jay thinks he notices a sad undertone in his voice. "There's a patrol car waiting to take you straight to the hospital."

Jay is escorted out and into an awaiting cruiser as a crowd of curious onlookers begins to gather beyond the fence. They speed to the hospital with the lights flashing and the siren wailing. When they finally pull up, Jay yanks open the back door and leaps out of the car. As he marches inside all eyes turn to him and his blood stained clothes. He either doesn't notice their prying eyes or doesn't care. He walks up the front desk and the petit woman behind it looks at him up and down. She tries to mask her shock and astonishment with an innocent smile, but fails.

"M-May I help you?"

"My…" He pauses. Jay actually doesn't know exactly what Erin is to him. He settles for, "…partner was brought in with a laceration to her left thigh about an hour ago. Her name is Erin Lindsay."

The petite woman's face softens. She types on her computer and says, "She's still in triage, room 233." She pauses - looks at timidly Jay, then adds, "Do you need someone to take a look at that eye?"

Jay's hand lifts to touch his eye and he feels pain pulsates where his fingertips touch. He ignores it. "No," he shakes his head. "I just want to see her."

"Follow this corridor and take the stairs to the second to the 2nd floor."

"Thank you," Jay says and disappears down the hallway.

Moments later he bursts into Erin's room and finds her - to his surprise - sitting on the edge on the bed looking tired, but well. His heart suddenly leaps and instinctively he pulls her for a hug. He holds onto her, taking comfort in her embrace. A feeling of relief washes over him. At least two minutes pass and they don't move. When Jay finally pulls back, he runs a hand though her hair and asks, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Erin lets out a sigh that softens Jay. Her hands travel down to her belly and she adds, " _We're_ fine."

He seals his lips with hers and lingers there for a moment – his hands finding the taut skin of her stomach underneath her shirt. When Erin finally pulls back to catch some air, she smiles. Instantly, two dimples flash into the cheeks.

"It's just a cut." She shows him the patch of neatly arranged gauze taped over the wound.

"Not too deep. Got a few stiches."

"It's just… There was so much blood. You have no idea how worried I was. They didn't tell me anything," Jay says. His desperation coming off in waves. "I was imagining the worse."

"I'm okay." Erin smiles and ghosts a hand over his cheek. "You, on the other hand, need to put some ice on that eye."

"I'm fine," he waves dismissively, but winces when her hands touch his eye.

He lowers his head, and his mouth touches hers, tenderly, cautiously. He pulls back for a moment, looking deeply into her eyes, and she returns his stare, trapped by what she sees. All of the lost months, all the loneliness and pain and longing, all of his unshed tears are there in Jay's eyes.

"Marry me?" Jay hears himself blurt out. His pulse quickens and heat flushes every muscle in his body. He hadn't meant to ask her here, but now that the words hovers between them, he isn't sorry.

"What?" Erin's heart races – gallops. She sucks in a sharp breath and struggles to process his words.

"Marry me?" Jay repeats, his voice firm and honest. He takes her hand in his and says, "I want to go to sleep with you every night and wake up seein' your face every morning. I want to argue over what shows to watch and I want to eat those crappy tacos you think are Mexican and-" He pauses when he sees her eyes glistening– all emotional restrain gone. "I want us to be a family. I'm done wasting time." He lifts her chin and kisses her. "Erin," Jay says, smiling at how cheesy he is about to sound. "Will you marry me?"

Erin's heart wants to screen yes, a thousand times yes, but her mind holds back. She looks at him with a face rippling with doubt. "You don't have to do this. Just because of the baby, it doesn't mean-"

"It's not," he shakes his head. "I promise you it's not because of _her._ I want to marry you because I love you." He strokes her face, his touch warm and suddenly every bit as exciting as it was when they first met. He kisses her cheek. His lips soft, deliciously soft. "I cannot imagine my life without you."

Jay plants kisses on her forehead, the tip of her nose, then raises her hand and kisses each of her fingers. He then presses his lips to her ears, the top of her head, her eyes, and oh so lightly, her mouth, again and again. Erin finds herself smiling through the kisses. She looks at him and anticipation dances in his eyes and she can see him holding his breath, the air catching somewhere deep in his chest. Finally, after what feels like a long silence, she says, "Yes, Jay." Her words half smothered by his kisses. "I will marry you."

Jay catches her lips suddenly in a kiss so strong and deep and slow that it doesn't end until there is no breath left in either of them. Then he pulls back just enough to trace the shape of her mouth with his tongue, kissing, the lightest of kisses, tantalizingly touching, brushing, tasting. Erin runs her fingers through the short silkiness of his hair, tracing the line of his neck above his shirt.

It takes all of Jay's restraint to part from Erin. "I don't have a ring on me, but I have a ring. And as soon as I can I will-"

"You have a ring?"

"It's my mother's ring," he explains. "I want you to have it."

Tears fill her eyes. Under the fluorescent lights she can see his face clearly and the heat in his blue gaze. However, Erin doesn't feel worthy of it. From the few times he's mentioned his mother, Erin could tell she had been a wonderful woman, someone who would've probably wanted her ring to be passed down to someone more deserving. Her face scrunches up. Tears slip from her eyes as her face contorts with anguish.

"Erin?"

She shakes her head, refusing to look at him.

"If you don't like it, we can get another-"

"No," she shakes her head again. "It's not that. The ring is perfect."

"Then what is it?"

"Maybe your mom would want someone else to have it."

Jay immediately realizes the hidden message behind Erin's words. "Erin, my mom would have loved you. If she was still here, she would have made me asked you to marry me a long time ago. She wouldn't have let me wait this long." He takes her hand in his and says, "There's no one in this entire world I would rather have my mother's ring."

Erin beams him a teary smile. "It would be an honor."

She seals his lips over his and when she looks up at him, she sees him smiling through his own tears.

x

The events that followed the incident at the cottage happened in a blur – almost dream like. Jay and Erin went through the motions of court dates and depositions, of hospital appointments and mandate counseling. Only when the case was finally put to rest did the adrenaline rush subside. They began putting their life back in order, which required arranging things, picking up the pieces, creating order, repairing what had been broken, and gaining control. For Jay, it meat having reparative surgery on his back. The procedure ended up improving his overall range of motion and made the constant lower back pain he felt more manageable. Jay was then able to get his shield back and take back his place in intelligence.

Erin, on the other hand, had to learn to slow down. She had to learn a whole new pace of life, a change that required an intense dose of patience, especially for the driven multitasker she was. She realized she had been going too fast, jumping into cases head first, trying to do too much on too many fronts, and not paying attention to herself and the small peanut she was growing. And just when she thought she had finally attained a slower stride, she went into labor.

After fifteen long hours their little miss sunshine came into the world all pink and perfect. Little Rosie Halstead is this small little thing, with tiny ears, a pouty mouth, two big eyes, and a bit of hair. She's just so delicate and they just want to hold her and shelter her from this world. She's this glimpse of hope they've been holding on too for the last few months.

"It's a good name." Will tells his brother. The little baby opens her crystal blue eyes and blinks, then wrinkles her nose. "We could definitely use another Rose Halstead."

Jay nods, looking at the small pink thing in his arms. Jay looked different. He was smiling so big; he looks like a boy. The first time he held Rosie was the happiest moment of his life. Although he was terrified, it all melted away when her tiny hand wrapped around his index finger. "I'm still trying to process everything," Jay says.

"Mom would be so happy to see you like this," Will says.

"Like what?" A light frown creases Jay's forehead.

"A dad." Will smiles.

The word slowly sinks in. Somewhere nearby a monitor beeps. Rosie yawns wide, giving them both a view of her toothless mouth.

"Good thing she looks like Erin," Will says. "Wouldn't want that nose or those Dumbo ears on her."

"My ears are not Dumbo ears," Jay says. "And what's wrong with my nose?"

"Nothing's wrong," Erin pipes up, sleepy, from the bed. "She'd still be perfect with your nose and ears, babe."

Jay smiles contently. Erin looks different too. She looks tired, but she also looks radiant—so happy she can hardly hold all of the happiness inside and it is seeping out of the corners of her mouth and the deep places in her eyes. She looks like she is actually glowing - radiating off her like sunlight.

"I have to go back to the ED. I'll be swing by when my shift is over," Will says. He steps forward reverently, like he is walking inside a church, and runs a finger along Rosie's arm. "Sweet dreams Rosie."

Will leaves and Jay, still gently rocking Rosie in his arms, says, "You should get some sleep. I will keep an eye on her." Erin squints at the clock on the wall. "It's after five o'clock in the morning," Jay says. "You've had a long day."

Erin yawns. "Just for a few minutes. Then you wake me up, okay?"

Jay chuckles. "I will."

Jay sits down besides Erin on the bed with Rosie in his arms, a smile permanently etched on his face. The sweet weight of the sleepy newborn in his arm, he finds, is calming and works as a sedative to his qualms. "I think we'll do just fine together," he tells Rosie. At that moment, the baby blinks up at him. Jay's heart, which had felt somehow heavier ever since he and Erin were taken, lifts suddenly as if it grows wings. He clears his throat and blinks his eyes.

The scar has healed.

 _fin_

* * *

 **Thank you so much for those who kept up with this story and encouraged me with your ideas and comments. Writer's block is to blame for the delay in posting this chapter. And also, the news about Sophia leaving put me in a funk (I'm still not over it). That's why I will end this fic here. Again, thank you for all your love and support. Cheers!**


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